


Twist and Shout: Letter To Heaven

by Alex456w



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Drug Abuse, Drug-Induced Sex, Flashbacks, Hippies, Letters, Love, Memories, Multi, Sexual Content, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-01 07:45:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 64,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5197910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex456w/pseuds/Alex456w
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jo finds her grandpa Dean's most prised trophy, she didn't think it was that special. That is until she found what was inside, a few letters dedicated to someone in heaven.</p><p>Secrets are revealed, things no one knew, a hidden love and a story of heartbreak.</p><p>Is there something no one's telling her, and why is she having dreams about this Castiel?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A sad beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I know readdressing the whole twist and shout thing is over done, but hey first time reading it changes you. So now I've decided to continue.  
> Critism is welcomed, just remember it is my first Fan/fic, so don't go too harsh.  
> If you like also check out my channel  
> https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCj8AUXAkhT40wTgwUJVW_wQ/feed

April 9, 2026

18 year old Jo was on the edge of the bed not knowing how to react; she always knew this day would come just not here, not now.

“Grandpa, please don’t go” she said with such sorrow in her voice it hurts, the sound of him coughing so horribly was destroying her but she wouldn’t leave his sight.  
“Don’t feel bad sweetie” he said roughly “I’ll soon be in heaven”, these words were just too much for Jo she couldn’t stand the idea, especially since these words were coming from the man who most of his life was skeptical about the whole heaven idea.

“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself, of your family and especially of your grandmother Lisa when I’m gone” he said. “I will Grandpa Dean, Its just, I can’t imagine my life without you” Jo said heartbroken. 

Dean reached to his chest and pulled away his medallion, “Here” he said “I want you to have it”. Jo couldn’t believe it “But, it’s your lucky amulet” she said with disregard. “Yeah, well now it’s yours”.

Jo took the amulet and pressed it against her chest “I’ll always treasure it Grandpa” she said with heart break. “I know you will sweetie” Dean said with a chuckle.  
Tears started flowing down her cheeks; she couldn’t believe what was happening, this day had actually arrived. There was a knock on the door it was her granduncle Sam who had a horrible expression of sadness on his face. 

Their looks met, both heartbroken in their own way, damn it was such a horrible feeling. Sam then redirected his look over to Dean, lying on the bed, dying.  
“Hey, Jerk” he said to him in the most jokeful way possible, but it was easy to notice the strain and hurt in his voice. “Bitch” Dean responded. Both just laughed their way through it as if nothing was wrong, but all was wrong.

“Hey Jo can I speak privately with Dean for a moment?” Jo nodded she left the room but stayed in the hallway to listen, she could see directly down the staircase her Grandma Lisa and her dad Ben were on the couch, Ben trying to console her but nothing worked. 

“I’m gonna miss you brother” Sam said with a crack in his voice making Jo focus on them again. “Think about it this way Sammy” Dean started saying, “I’m gonna finally see him again, after more than 30 years” He started laughing as if it were the best day of his life. 

“You never stopped missing him did you?” Sam asked now with tears in his eyes. “He’s still my Baby, Sam and he’ll always be, you know I love Lisa, but he was the first person I ever truly loved”

Jo didn’t understand who they were talking about. Her grandpa loved someone else before Lisa?

“Promise me you’ll give him a big hug on my behalf” Sam said now with tears in his eyes. “I will Sammy, I promise” Dean responded. 

Before she could listen to any more her Grandma and Dad had come up the staircase and were about to enter the room, Lisa started weeping the moment she saw Dean. 

Before they knew it the room was full, everyone who loved Dean was there, his wife Lisa, his sons Ben & Carson and their spouses Erica (Jo’s mom) & Zoey, Jo, her little brother Jake, her cousin Emily, Dean’s brother Sam and his wife Jess along with their daughter Abigail and her son Carter.

Dean smiled throughout the whole moment letting them know how much he loved them, everyone was in tears, although Lisa was trying to be strong, Sam was taking the worst, well after all it is his brother who’s dying. 

By the time evening had arrived, Dean was no longer with them. He had died at the age of 86, a whole life of adventure and racing, he lived well, more than some folks do.  
No one was holding back tears by then, they had lost him, for good. Jo was crying as hard as she ever had in her life, she laid beside her grandma Lisa, both hugging Dean not wanting to let go.

But eventually she knew that they had to.

Two days had gone by since Dean’s death, and the family was already planning the funeral. 

Jo still couldn’t get over the fact that her grandpa Dean was gone, she looked closely at her grandpa’s amulet, it was a beautiful St. Michael medallion. According to Dean his brother Adam had given it to him during the Vietnam war, Jo never knew much about him, except he died during that war.  
She knew it was very special to Dean so the fact that he gave it to her was very important, it made her feel a bit better but not enough. She stopped torturing herself for a few  
moments and allowed herself back in the house.

The very next day the memorial service was taking place, and of course Grandma Lisa was a wreck, she couldn’t stop screaming how much she would miss Dean and how much she needed him, Ben and Carson were right beside her, both trying to hold back the tears. 

Jo had to get away from the main room or she would have a breakdown and she just couldn’t have that, she was about to enter the kitchen when she heard Sam and Jess talking, “Can you believe it, Dean died on a Thursday” Sam said in a voice that sensed sadness and maybe a bit of happiness at the same time. “I know, it’s weird how things turn out” Jess responded in a playful way. “But I’d like to think that he’s with him now, and that they’re both together like it always should have been”.  
And once again they’re talking about “him” who is he and why are him and Dean going to be together like they should have been? She entered the kitchen as if she hadn’t been eavesdropping from the hallway.

“How are you guys doing?” she asked. “Well what can I say Jo, my brothers gone, he’s no longer with us and I’ll never see him again” a single tear fell down his cheek but it was enough to know the meaning it had. Jo hugged him and Jess, letting out the tears and wishing it was all just a bad dream but they all knew it wasn’t. “We’ll never forget him” Jo said trying to console him, “I bet he lived the best life anyone could”. “He had one hell of a life” Sam said “His legacy as a racer lives on, and of course we’ll never forget him.”  
At the funeral the climate was sunny and regular, beautiful California weather, it was packed full of people who all knew Dean, but those who loved him most were in the front. 

Watching the casket, still with disbelief in their eyes, he’s really gone. 

Jess snickered, “What do you know, it’s the exact same weather” she said smiling. Jo got a glimpse of Sam who smiled in return, he obviously knew what Jess meant. 

The casket was lowered while everyone said their final goodbyes, Jo had thought about giving Dean his amulet back, but she wouldn’t be capable of letting go of it.  
Now, his grandpa would just be a memory, a beautiful memory that had been there her whole life, side by side always making her smile and always knowing what to say. 

A few of days later Jo was already starting to recover, her family had gone back to laughing and smiling which was perfect. Jo was already thinking about where she wanted to study college, she had already spoken to Ben and Erica about taking a sabbatical year once high school ended. To her surprise they had agreed, now she wanted to make sure she knew exactly what she wanted to become before applying to any colleges.

Even though Dean wasn’t there anymore, Jo could always feel his presence, especially now that she wore the medallion every day. 

April 24th

Lisa needed help with moving some things because Ben had insisted she move in with them, so it was time to get to work. 

Jo and Jake decided that they would be in charge of moving day, and nor Ben nor Lisa protested with the idea, they started arranging everything in categories so that they knew which things would go home and which would go to the trash.

Upon all the ruckus and obvious chaos, Jo immediately entered her grandpa Dean’s private room without even thinking it twice; it was beautiful, filled with the family pictures and all the trophies he had won as a racer before settling down with Lisa.

A wind of silence filled the house when everyone else entered the room, “It’s like he’s still with us, huh mom?” Ben said silently. Lisa approached the picture on the desk and stared at it for a while, “It’s like he never left” she replied.

Jo told Ben to take grandma outside while she packed the trophies; Ben did as said and escorted Lisa to the living room. 

“Are you sure Grandpa wouldn’t mind us touching his trophies” asked little 10 year old Jake. “No, I’m sure he wishes that others know about his legacy” Jo said with a smile. 

Dean had won all sorts of trophies while racing on his motorcycle, local races, improvised races and even a big trophy he had won back in summer of 1986, taking them off there cabinets was going to be an even harder Job than Jo would’ve expected.

Though it was a hard task, Jo would constantly stare at each trophy for at least 2 minutes, she would imagine what her grandpa might have felt after winning each trophy and maybe even winning them for Grandma Lisa. 

The thought made her smile.

They were practically all done when Jo noticed one all the way at the top, she grabbed a ladder to help her up, and she was finally able to bring the trophy down.

Although it wasn’t the biggest of trophies it sure weighed, the date marked back to June 1966. “Grandpa must have been in his 20’s when he won this” Jake said with excitement 

Jo was eager to find out why this trophy was put at the top part of the shelf, it didn’t seem to have a special meaning; it was an ordinary trophy like the lame ones she had gotten for participating in the mathletes when she was a junior, yet for any reason Dean had it at the top.

Still it was pretty heavy for a small trophy, and it had a sort of seal at the top which didn’t budge that easily, so Jo decided to take this trophy directly home.  
Once they had gotten back home, Jo went immediately to her room to try to open the trophy seal, she used the help of her dad’s tools so it would open. But boy was this going to be a tough task, it had seemed like Dean didn’t want anyone opening it any time soon. 

Finally after many attempts the case opened, inside were a bunch of envelopes although they weren’t empty, they were filled with letters, but not only that, there was a picture as well. 

It was a very old photo, very old indeed, it was her grandpa Dean he was recording something with an old camera and someone had taken the picture of him from a far distance. But that wasn’t the only photo there, another one was in there too, it was a man, trying to cover his face from whoever was taking the picture, but it was useless as the photographer had obviously already snapped the picture. 

Jo didn’t recognize him, but from the looks of it he was very happy, smiling in a very soft way to whoever was taking the picture without his consent, she could tell. Another thought suddenly popped into her head. Was this the man Sam and Dean had been talking about?

As she kept on searching the trophy case she found a last item inside, it was film, like really old film, and Jo wondered if she could still manage to reproduce it on a screen of some sort. She knew all these things were important, if not they why were they kept here? Hidden so no one else, except maybe Dean, could see them?

But for now her eyes fixated on the letters, she opened the very first which dated April 21st 1981. That meant yesterday marked 45 years since it was written.  
She was a bit nervous about reading it, since it was her Grandpa’s anyways and she felt like she was invading his privacy, but still the curiosity got the best of her, grandpa Dean wasn’t one to keep secrets from grandma Lisa, or was he? 

“Grandpa Dean, I’m sorry for doing this but I need to know who you were talking about with granduncle Sam”. She said loudly as if speaking to heaven “Please don’t hate me”. She took a deep breath, fixating on the letters, staring at them for a moment as if still doubting whether or not she should take a look. 

She finally decided to open the envelope and read the letter, her eyes focused on the top line as she read the first two words, which read. 

Dear Cas.


	2. Castiel Novak who?

Jo stared a while at those words. Was the man in the picture the man named Cas? She kept thinking to herself but no matter how much she thought about it she couldn’t recall anyone else by that name. At least not anyone her grandpa had mentioned, ever.

Now she was even more intrigued than ever, so she stared reading.

Dear Cas, 

It hurts, it hurts like hell, you’re no longer with me and it kills me to know you never will be. I try so hard to be strong but the truth is sometimes it feels like I can’t do it anymore.  
I’ve thought about meeting up with you more times than I can remember, but I couldn’t bear with leaving Sam, Jess and my sweet Abby. You know they miss you too, and now you are in important part of their lives, and of my life, hell you’re my whole life.

The other day I was remembering that frat party, and our first date, you kept thinking I was a jerk and all I could think about was how you were driving me crazy and I couldn’t even figure out why. Maybe, I will never know why, but it doesn’t matter because you still drive me crazy, you and everything that made you perfect. 

To me you were never boring, in fact you were always the new exciting chapter in my life, and for that I’m completely grateful we met.  
I still dig Elvis. It’s funny how some words can just keep popping into your head, making you cringe and hurt, but at the same time bring back such beautiful memories, memories of you Cas.

You know what else I remember the most? I promised you I’d see you on a Friday but I just couldn’t wait, like a teenage girl who was completely in love I just couldn’t wait any longer. Just like now and just like that I can’t wait till the day I see you again. I’ll take you to the beach again just like that time, and more importantly I’ll kiss you until you can’t take anymore and we’re out of breath and it won’t matter who watches because I’ll have you and that will be the only thing that matters. 

Castiel Novak, you are the love of my life, after all I did propose remember? 

As I write this letter, part of me breaks down, but another part of me feels stronger, and having sweet little Abby here by my side helps me keep on going.  
I will keep on writing to you, my baby, in hopes that one day we will personally read these letters to each other, until then.

Yours truly, now and forever,

Dean.

Jo folded the card back again, she didn’t know what to think. Not only had her grandpa been in love with another man, but the thing is he loved him in such a beautiful way, yet their love didn’t make it. Is this what happens? She wondered. Was it losing the ones you love?

She needed to know what had happened to Castiel, but at the same time she couldn’t wrap her mind around this situation. She had so many questions, and it all startled her mind. The questions just kept on coming.

What had happened to Castiel? Who was he really? How did he die, was he dead? Did Grandma Lisa ever know about him? Why did Uncle Sam never mention anything? Was her grandpa Dean gay? It was all too much for her, she needed to get her thoughts straight, more importantly she needed to see the video, but where was she gonna get a freaking projector in 2026?

That night Jo couldn’t sleep, she was really tempted into reading another letter, but she had to resist for her own sake. She had gone to bed with the letter she had already opened and the two pictures. She would turn on the lights and focus constantly on them. In each picture each one looked very happy, you could see the love in their eyes. 

She wondered if there were ever any photos of them together, and if there were, then where were they? No matter how much she tried to think of any other possible way of discovering it, she knew she had only one actual option. She had to ask Uncle Sam, interrogate him so she could find some answers.

Saying this to herself, she wrapped around the blankets and fell asleep finally.

April 25th 2026

She always paid a visit to her grand uncles on weekends yet this time she was really nervous, she didn’t know how they would react, or how she would react for that matter.  
But she filled herself with courage and decided to head on to their home, taking the letter, the film and of course the photographs. 

It was about 3:00pm when she arrived to her granduncle Sam’s home, she knocked on the door and was almost immediately greeted by grandaunt Jess. She lead Jo into the living room, where to her surprise not only was granduncle Sam there but so was Abigail.

She greeted both of them happily and then sat down to accompany them on drinking coffee. “How have you been doing” She asked both Sam and Jess as calmly as she could. “Well… I’ve been better” Sam said, looking at his brother’s picture on the wall. “It’s been ruff for all of us dear” Jess said almost immediately. 

“He was such an amazing guy” Abigail said “I mean boy did that man love to spoil me” she chuckled at the memory of it. “I don’t think we will ever truly forget him”.

The day went one with that precise pace, they would try to change the subject but would immediately share some of Deans anecdotes from when he was younger. Jo enjoyed this talk, it made her feel fonder of her grandpa, and that was beautiful.

With all the commotion going around, she had completely forgotten about Cas, until she checked her bag for some chop stick, she instantly remembered what she was there for. Without any hesitation she asked directly.

“Granduncle Sam” she said “Yes, what is it Jo” he answered. Jo’s heart started racing for some reason she was about to ask the big question but wasn’t sure what would happen, she took a short breath and finally said it.

“Have you ever heard of anyone named Castiel Novak?”

Suddenly the room became completely quiet; Sam just stared at Jo, looking shocked just like Jess and Abby. “Where did you here that name?” 

Without any delay, Jo reached for her bag and brought out the stuff she had gotten out of the trophy case. Sam was completely struck when he saw those things.

“While I was cleaning out my grandpa Dean’s trophy room I found them” Jo explained. “I know I shouldn’t have been nosing around but the curiosity got the best of me”.  
Sam looked at the pictures, and for a moment he couldn’t stop laughing, then all of a sudden tears struck his eyes. The same happened with Jess, it was clear they knew about it.  
“Castiel is the love of Dean’s life” Sam said without any hesitation. “They met years ago, both of them fell in love in a way that I haven’t seen till this day. Except of course for me and Jess” he smiled at her, Jess just blushed.

“What happened to him” Jo asked, although she was a bit scared to know the answer. Sam started speaking “Cas was very sick, back then we didn’t know what it was, now we understand that it was AIDS. You see Jo after the war, your grandpa Dean had changed, he was suffering from a deep depression and he was scared he would hurt Cas, so he left. “  
Jo covered her mouth in shock, she really didn’t want to know where this story was headed, it sounded too tragic. 

But Sam continued, “After he had left, Cas was a wreck, he started to do things that were not like him at all, overdosing and trying new drugs, we never knew how he had caught the disease.” He paused for a moment looking back at the pictures on the desk. “Those days were torture, I grew to love Cas like a brother and believe me the way he made Dean happy, it was just something that I can’t even explain.”

“You want to know something curious” Jess interrupted “Dean died on a Thursday in the month of April, so did Castiel, that’s what I was referring to in the kitchen the day of Deans funeral.” So Jess had known Jo was spying on them that day.

Jo couldn’t believe what she was hearing; it was all too sad, too tragic. How was Dean able to go on? Castiel was obviously his whole world, and then all of a sudden he was taken away from him.

“How did grandpa even cope with the grief” she asked. “It was extremely hard for Dean” Sam said, “Even when we thought he was taking it well, he would have meltdowns. The thing that would most break my heart was watching him listen to Elvis Presley’s blue Hawaii album” once again he stopped. “Dean had told me that was the first album he ever heard alongside Cas.”

“What about the letters” Jo asked “Well Dean started writing them almost a week after Cas died, and he did so for many years, they helped, they really did help” This was just too much for Jo, she wanted to stop talking about it, but she needed to know everything.

“You know, he would go to the cemetery at least once a month, take his turntable and played Elvis for him the whole afternoon watching his grave as if it was Cas, lying on the couch or on their bed like when they were together. It wasn’t until Lisa that I thought Dean would never move on.” Sam mentioned.

“Did they ever take more pictures or were these the only ones?” Jo asked. “No actually, we have a few” said Jess with a smile on her face.

Almost instantly Jess had told Abby to bring the photo album that was by her bed, when she came back she was holding a big blue photo album and boy did it look heavy.  
While going through the album, Jo could see how much fun and how adventurous her granduncles had been when they were younger, racing, mountain climbing, scuba diving, and boy did they use to be some really extreme people. 

There it was after a few pages, it was Sam, Jess, Dean and Castiel, they were at a race, Dean had a trophy in his hand and it was the exact trophy where Jo found all the stuff. The looks on their faces was pure happiness, the way Cas stood next to her grandpa, maybe they weren’t holding hands in the picture or hugging but anyone who saw it well enough knew that they were more than friends.

More and more pictures started showing up and most of them had been before the war, Jo thought they were all lovely everyone seemed happy in the pictures and they were indeed. The final picture granduncle Sam had in the photo album was one of Dean kissing Cas, it was so beautiful. Jo couldn’t help but smile at it, that was her grandpa Dean and the love of his life Castiel. 

“I took that picture when they weren’t looking, at a Christmas party; they made me promise I would get rid of it, but after all that happened I couldn’t do it.” Sam said bursting into a small laugh.

“He loved him more than anything, didn’t he?” Jo asked still smiling at the picture. “Like I said, Cas was the love of Dean’s life. And now they’re together once more.”  
As Jo watched all the pictures in the photo album again, she started to understand more and more of the letter, Cas was the new chapter in grandpa Dean’s life and no one could deny it 

“Do you guys know what the film I found contains?” Jo wondered, “It’s film from the time Dean and Cas went to the beach, many years ago, he had filmed both of them playing in the ocean and repeating I love you to each other every time they could” that last part seemed to almost hurt Sam as he tried to say it.  
“Is there any chance you might have a projector for me to see it?”

A few minutes later Sam and Abby were back in the living room, bringing in a small but almost new looking projector and they started setting things up. Jo was so nervous, and she had the right to be, the story, the letter, they had really gotten to her and she didn’t even live through it. She can’t imagine how her granduncles must be taking it.  
Once it was all set up her grandma jess proceeded to close the curtains and then Sam and her excused themselves.

“Wait, aren’t you gonna see it with me?” Jo asked almost scared to watch it alone. “I don’t think I’d be able to take it dear” Sam said and Jess agreed. “Don’t worry honey I’ll be here with you” her aunt Abby smiled at her. Jo was happy she wouldn’t have to go through this alone.

It was all in place, and it was time, her granduncles had left the room and her aunt Abby was already by her side, it was now or never.  
She went on to play the video and then sat next to her aunt.

It was very old footage, it was the ocean and the tides were hitting the shore, suddenly the camera turns around and there’s her grandpa Dean watching a sea urchin, he spoke into the camera but of course they couldn’t hear anything, the scene turned and now Dean was filming Cas who was constantly taking pictures and one of them was a picture of Dean filming. The same one Jo had in her hand; the reel seemed to finish but all of sudden started up again, it was them again this time Cas yelling into the camera something that despite their not being sound was clear, so clear.

I love you

He was waving his hands in excitement jumping around just yelling it to the four winds & to Dean

I love you 

Cas threw a shell into the ocean and it kept coming back, then the film stopped. It had ended, and Jo was a mess, she didn’t need to know anything else except that Dean loved Cas and there was nothing more to it, no explanations, no problems no nothing. Dean loved Cas and Cas loved Dean, it was all so natural and beautiful, heartwarming yet tragic.  
Abigail opened the curtains, when she turned around to see Jo she too was a wreck, her eyes red and tears flowing down like a waterfall. Jo hugged her, “I know” she said.

Sam entered the room and found them sobbing not being able to let go of each other, “So, now you know why I couldn’t bear with it” he said. Jo and Abby hugged Sam and then Jess. “So, when did you guys see the film” Abby asked, “It was during his death bed, Cas was starting to lose his memory and Dean just wanted to give him something special, we had never seen it until that day” Sam paused, closed his eyes for a moment then continued, “Dean would start explaining to Cas what they were doing and where they were, they never stopped repeating I love you to each other, and we just couldn’t take it, just like we knew we wouldn’t be able to, at least not again.” 

Jess couldn’t help it and the tears started flowing down her cheeks, “I remember I had to cover my mouth so I wouldn’t start sobbing right there, It was all too much for me. The hurt in Dean’s eyes and the innocence in Cas’, and knowing that Cas wasn’t going to make it just….” she trailed off.

They stood there in silence for a moment, just exchanging looks hoping someone would bring up another topic, anything to forget about this. 

“When I was little uncle Dean would talk about him” Abby said almost quietly. “You knew about Cas?” Sam asked suddenly, really surprised.

Abby nodded. “When I was little about 4 or 5 and while he was babysitting, he would tell me about their love, it sounded so beautiful, so unique, that I believed it was just a fairy tale. I thought that when he wrote the letters it was just part of the story” She said. “But now I know why suddenly there were tears in his eyes while he wrote them, why he took strong sighs in between the writing. “

She looked at the photos and smiled. “Of course after he met Aunt Lisa I started to hear less and less of Castiel, but even in the little times he mentioned him, I could still hear the love in his words.”

Jo could never believe such a tragic thing happened, why god? She barely said to herself, she didn’t expect this at all, heck she didn’t want this but now they were here remembering the love of two individuals and their tragic tale. 

Suddenly the smell invaded the room, the projector was releasing smoke and it was clear the film was burning.

Jo did everything possible to put out the fire but it was useless the film had been consumed completely, she looked down with such horror, she couldn’t believe it was gone. The beautiful memory just vanished in an instant. 

Abby looked down, horrified with what she saw. “It’s okay” Sam said trying to console them, “That was one a Dean’s fondest memories, but now he’s no longer here and throughout time it would’ve just become an old washed up memory lost when all of us are gone.”

“Daddy don’t say that” Abby pleaded “It’s okay baby, I’m not leaving for a at least another decade” he said joking. “What matters now is you know the truth, there was once a man named Dean who loved another man named Cas, and their love lives on no matter the worst of events that had happened throughout their entire life together.”

“But the film is gone and that was the last thing that they had, that we had, to remember their love” Jo started not being able to believe what had just happened. Sam smiled “That’s not true Jo, we have the pictures and you have the rest of the letters. It’s more than enough you know.”

She still couldn’t believe what had happened, but still Granduncle Sam was right, she had the letters and she was determined to read them all, for her grandpa and the loving memory of him and Cas. 

Nighttime approached and they had cleaned up the mess the fire left on the floor and Jo said goodbye to both her granduncles and to aunt Abby. On the way home Elvis started playing on the radio and boy did it get to her, aloha hoi from the album Blue Hawaii, the same album Dean probably heard over and over with Cas. She had to change the station she wasn’t ready to listen to Elvis, at least not now, when she got home she greeted her mom and dad and when upstairs.

She was getting ready for school tomorrow morning, she didn’t know if she’d tell her best friend Ashley anything about it. They had shared everything because of course they were best friends, since kindergarten practically so they never kept secrets. But she didn’t know if this was something she wanted to share.

Upon going to bed she opened her drawer, and brought out the stack of letters, she was going to read another, of course this killed her, but she needed to do it.  
She refused to think that their love faded when that video did, or when Cas died.

This letter marked bit more than a year after the first one in fact it was from todays date, it was from April 25th 1982. Jo began reading.

Dear Cas,

Abby’s finally taking her first steps she’s been a bit of a late bloomer, but I’m not worried because I know she’ll achieve it. 

God, it’s already been over more than a year, I didn’t have the strength to write you this letter days ago on your anniversary because I still can’t take it. There are moments when my heart feels the sudden pain, your memory enters my mind and it hurts. But it’s so beautiful, thinking you’re by my side, wrapping your arms around me. We fit each other perfectly, like puzzle pieces, destined to join together.

I remember focusing on the blue of your eyes and with that I remember the ocean. How the waves crashed the rocks on the shore, it was cold as hell, but we didn’t care because we were with each other and frankly nothing else really mattered.

You have no idea how many races I’ve won for you, every victory is just for you no one else. 

Days ago I visited your grave; I went to play a little Elvis for you, but I bet your listening to him live in heaven right now. The thought of it makes me a bit jealous, he gets to sing for you while I can’t.

Sam also went with me, Jess couldn’t do it, you have no idea how much she misses you. I mean why wouldn’t she, you were a big part of our life, you still are. It was all so beautiful, Sam being there, I didn’t have to say anything to him, he knew how I felt and he knew what I needed.

The saddest part of it all is no matter much I try to change my perspective on it I can’t help but think, April is the month of your death, but also the month we met, both the worst and the best thing to happen to me. 

I’ll never stop playing music for you, I know you love songs about love, and I promise not to play anything but songs of love.

In case you wonder, I read every single one of your letters, and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. You went through a lot for me, and I just left. Please forgive me, I know there’s not enough “I’m sorry” that I could say to make up for it. 

I just hope you know, I’m not going to stop thinking about you, about us. 

You, you will never fade from my life, I promise.

Cas, if you ever get this letter I hope you forgive my incompetence.

I love you  
Sincerely, 

Dean Winchester.

Now Jo was sad, she remembered what her granduncle Sam had told her, about Dean leaving Cas after coming back from the war, but she never really thought it had been that bad.

She looked at the letter for a long time, she was still unhappy about the film being burned and now the idea of her grandpa making Cas suffer a lot made her feel restless. Making up more problems in her head wasn’t good for her; she left the letter on the drawer and turned off the light.

April 26th 2026

By the next day she wasn’t really paying attention in class, her mind kept on focusing on that video, how beautiful the ocean was and just how much love Dean had for Castiel, but just as those thoughts rouse through her mind, the idea of Dean hurting Cas was too unpleasant. She knew that they loved each other but that thought, it was too horrifying.

Ashley noticed something was wrong with Jo, they weren’t the best of friends for nothing, she was really eager to find out what was going on but Mrs. West would totally send her to detention if she started interrupting the class again. So she decided to wait until lunchtime to figure out what was bugging her friend.

When the bell for lunch rang, Jo was the first to leave so it took Ashley a few minutes to find her, she was alone at the table, looking blankly at her food plate, almost distant for some unknown reason. Ashley thought it was now or never because Jo can be a bit feisty when she doesn’t want to talk.

“Hey Jo” she said in a cheerful greeting way. Jo was so distracted that when Ashley greeted her she got really startled and jump out of her seat falling onto the floor. “Oh my god, are you okay!?” Ashley asked really scared, she helped Jo get on her feet.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just a bit jumpy today that’s all. “

“Is everything okay?” Ashley asked concerned. 

Jo just stared at her for a few moments, could she trust Ashley with this new secret, they were best friends and all but Ashley could be a hell of a blabber mouth, and she wasn’t sure she wanted any of her friends or her parents to know what she knew about grandpa Dean, at least not now. 

Still, she didn’t want to go through this alone, and she would barley be able to see Aunt Abigail and her granduncles especially now that the school evaluations have started. She took a deep breath and decided that she didn’t want to keep this from Ashley, finally responding.

“Can you keep a secret?”


	3. A plan for answers

Lunch had almost ended when Jo finally finished telling Ashley the story; she looked really concerned she too felt that is was completely tragic. When Jo stood silent again Ashley put a hand on her shoulder, “Hey don’t feel bad” she said softly, “I know it sounds tragic but didn’t your Uncle Sam tell you that in the end they still loved each other, and were there for each other?”

“Well yeah but-“Jo stared “But what?” Ashley interrupted “Really loving someone will always hurt, there will be problems, fights, but guess what, in the end it still remains.”

“I get that, but Cas died Ashley, he died and I can’t imagine what my grandpa went through”

“Well yeah, but then again he met Lisa years afterwards right? She made him happy again didn’t she? And out of that he was able to move on, have kids, without that you wouldn’t even be here making me depressed with a tragic Elvis story.”

Jo chuckled a bit, she knew Ashley would make her smile again, that’s why she adored her. She hugged her tight both laughing. 

“You want to know something funny? I think I’ve heard that last name Novak before” Ashley said. 

“Really, Where?” Jo asked. 

“Not where, when, about two years ago when my mom made me help our block for career day, I was assigned a second grade class in Lincoln elementary and I swear a little girl’s last name was Novak.” Ashley responded

“Does she still go to that school?” Jo asked  
“I have no idea; they kicked me out a week later because apparently 8 year olds can’t have root beers and Cheetos as a morning snack.” Ashley said a bit mad.

Now Jo was uncontrollably laughing, she needed that, she had needed that for some time now, and it was great to have Ashley there. The bell rang and it was time to go back to class, Jo felt like she could actually breathe for the rest of the day. 

On the way home Jo and Ashley just kept saying random things that came into their minds, they laughed all the way to their houses.

Ashley lived two streets north from Jo, so they parted ways with Ashley reminding Jo to smile.

On the way home Jo was looking around at her neighbors gardens actually paying attention to things instead of feeling desperate, but a few minutes later a thought came into her. She remembered what Ashley had said, about there being someone with Novak as their last name in her class.

So according to Ashley there was a little girl that was in her class at the elementary school that was a street down from her house, Jo wondered if she still attended. 

What crazy idea was Jo having now?

She wasn’t sure why, but she thought of looking for one of Castiel’s relatives, maybe they knew something even granduncle Sam didn’t, then she paused. 

This was the moment she knew something was out of hand, why was she completely obsessing over her grandpas love life!? Its over!! It was beautiful! It was tragic!! But it’s in the past already!! So why the freak was she still going at it!?

As soon as she got home she led down completely on the front lawn, a month ago she didn’t know the name Castiel even existed and now within less than a week it’s taken over her completely, but why!? Seriously, how was interrogating everyone in California going to change the past?

A few days later she entered her room, she brought out the stack of letters, since she didn’t get much sleep for the last few nights she decided to organize them by date and found that half of the letters were Dean’s and half were from Castiel, she dared read Castiel’s final letter and found her self being a wreck on the floor, her mom had to console her but Jo didn’t say a word about the letters or of her grandpas story for that matter.

God, in some way she had a rage towards her grandpa, but at the same time she understood, or at least she tried. 

See you then…

It had been too much for her, the other nights were torture, and she even started having dreams about Castiel waiting by the beach for her grandpa, except he never arrives. 

When she wakes up she feels different however, she’s not sad, the thing is she knows grandpa Dean doesn’t arrive but there’s a reason he doesn’t, he wants too but he still can’t.

She finally asks Ashley to help her locate the girl with Castiel’s last name, thought it doesn’t go the way she wanted it. 

“Are you crazy?” Ashley asked shocked, “Jo, there’s a big difference between asking people what they know and starting to stalk someone especially a 10 year old girl!” 

“I’m not going to stalk her, I’m going to visit her family and confront them directly” she said it like it was the easiest thing ever.

“What if they’re not even his family?” Ashley said “You ever thought of that?”

“Hey, it’s the best lead I’ve got so far. Will you help me or not?”

Ashley looked at her for a moment, Jo could tell Ashley was thinking she was going crazy, and maybe Jo was, but she needed to do this, at least know stuff from Cas’ side of the story.

If this is girl is related to him in some way then it’s up to her to find out.

She knew Ashley wasn’t going to accept that easily so she did what she had to do. “Ok look, I know it sounds like I’m obsessing over this, but it’s important and I need you to understand” she paused for a moment. “Come to my house after school I want to show you the letters, if after that you’re not on board then I promise I won’t bother you with this again, please.”

Ashley sighed “All right, but if it doesn’t change my mind I don’t want to hear you go one about this Destiel situation anymore, got it?” 

Jo looked at her with a surprised face and couldn’t believe what she heard.

“Wait, you did not just combine my grandpa and his lover’s name did you?” Jo said in a foolish voice. “So what if I did, a lot of people use to do it.” Ashley said. “Yeah back in 2015 when it was cool or whatever, but now normal people don’t do that, we don’t do that” Jo chuckled.

“Ok whatever, let’s just get back to class, because if we don’t Mrs. West is gonna totally put us in after school detention and you will lose your one shot at convincing me.” Ashley said in a hurry. Jo just followed her down the hall, internally laughing at her grandpa and Cas’ new nickname. 

“Destiel” she said mockingly, she could hear Ashley saying shut up in front of her, Ashley was never going to hear the end of it, and she knew it.

The day seemed like it was going on forever, Jo couldn’t wait to go home, she wanted to show Ashley the letters so bad. But at this rate she would already have a professional career before that happened, heck maybe even kids for that matter. 

At last the final bell rang; it was time to go home, and almost time to unravel the letters.

On the way there, Jo was kind of silent, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, what if Ashley accidently mentioned it in front of Jo’s parents or worse in front of Grandma Lisa, she wouldn’t know what would happen. Yet they were almost home so she really couldn’t back down, not after all that begging for Ashley to accept coming, it’s now or never.

When they got home Erica greeted them both “Hey girls, how was your day?”, “Hi Mrs. Winchester, it was an ok day” Ashley said smiling 

“Yeah Mom it was, um Ashley and I are going upstairs to do some homework” Jo said. “Ok if you girls get hungry I made lasagna, ok? I will go take your brother Jake to his soccer practice, we’ll be back later.”

“Sounds delicious” Ashley and Jo said at the same time, they normally did this.

Once they were both in Jo’s room she made sure the door was locked, just in case. 

“So where are these famous letters I keep hearing about?” Ashley asked almost immediately 

Jo reached for her drawer and brought out the stack of letters and the two pictures to show to Ashley. “Wow, your grandpa Dean was a hell of a looker, Id totally date him” Ashley said mockingly.

“Ew, gross” Jo responded “Now I won’t get that idea out of my head, thanks a lot”.

“That’s what friends are for. “ 

Next up Ashley observed Cas’ picture, “You weren’t kidding about those blue eyes, they’re precious” Ashley said without hesitating.  
“Grandpa Dean said that they always reminded him of the ocean.”

Ashley looked a bit surprised, “Wow I Figured that they were in love, but the way you describe it, they were willing to die for each other.” 

“I’m sure grandpa would have taken his place if he could” Jo said.

“Yeah well they’re in heaven now, I bet they’re probably cloud seeding as we speak.” 

“OH MY GOD ASHLEY!!!” Jo was completely red and felt completely embarrassed, “Do you have no respect even for the dead?!”

“Come on it’s not like they weren’t doing it when they were alive” Ashley said laughing.

“Seriously STOP IT!!!” Jo said now laughing her lungs out. Both couldn’t stop laughing for a few minutes and when they were done, Jo decided she was strong enough to go through the letters.

She read Castiel’s final letter for grandpa Dean out loud and just like the last time before she could get to the see you then part she was crying, but she wasn’t alone Ashley was in tears as well, when she finished that letter she decided to read Grandpa Dean’s first one but midway through Ashley stopped her. 

She agreed, without saying a word she accepted helping Jo out with her crazy mission, but she didn’t want to read or know anything else more about the letters.

Actually now Ashley was worried, how is Jo going through this alone? Two letters is what it took to crack herself, but Jo has a whole stack plus that video that burnt out, she must be having a really hard time.

“You know what we can stress about it later, how about we dig into that lasagna huh?” Ashley said, she was determined to make Jo forget about the letters at least for the rest of the day. 

She might even have to distract her thoughts throughout the weekend because there was no way the elementary school was open right now plus it was Friday, it wouldn’t be open the whole weekend.

“Yeah let’s go for some lasagna” Jo said eagerly.

Throughout the whole meal Ashley did everything and said everything possible for Jo to forget about the letters and of Destiel, she was starting to like how it sounds, and by the looks of it her hard work was paying off.

Jo hadn’t even remembered why she was so sad, she’s lucky to have a best friend like Ashley, she doesn’t deserve her most of the time, yet she’s still here.

May 9th

The weekend moved on fast, in a blink of an eye it was Monday again, and Jo caught up with Ashley to take a ride to school, she had almost completely forgotten about the little girl with Castiel’s last name until she passed by Lincoln elementary.

Ashley gave her a look, almost like saying don’t worry we’ll come after school.

And that’s exactly what they did, the day progressed fast and by the time they knew it they were at the front entrance to the school. Typically painted like every elementary school in the state, white and blue with the California flag waving proudly outside.

They entered directly into the office and were greeted by the secretary, “Hello there girls what may I do for you?”

“Hi we were wondering, what are the chances a young girl with the last name Novak goes to this school?”

“And you would require that information because?” The secretary asked.

“Well we” Jo started

“We are here from Del Rio High school, and we are a part of the reading buddy association, but due to a misunderstanding instead of getting the teachers last name we got one of the students” Ashley said.

“Reading buddy? I didn’t know high school students still participated in that” the secretary said.

“Oh yes, we are very happy to do it, especially since it’s our senior year, but like we said we got a student’s last name instead of a teacher, so we need to know in whose class there is a girl last named Novak”

“I’m very sorry girls; I can’t give you that information it is private school information and I can’t just show anyone.”

“We understand” Jo said “Thanks anyways” they both headed for the door but right when they were about to leave Ashley “slipped” on the wet floor and fell completely to the ground.

“Ashley are you ok!?” Jo asked a bit scared. The secretary got on her feet and went to help Ashley up. “Wait here” she said, “I’ll go for the nurse.”

That’s when they saw their opportunity; “Go in there” Ashley said pointing to the door next to the water gallons. “You’ll find the students information now hurry!”

Jo did as told; as soon as she was inside she went directly to the fourth graders cabinet and started searching for the Novak kid. 

The files didn’t contain information on what classroom they were in, but it had something better. “Bingo”

Jo sat next to Ashley right on time before the nurse and the secretary came in, the nurse checked Ashley’s bruises but it was nothing serious, they thanked the ladies and left the office. 

“Did you find out which room she was in?” Ashley asked as soon as they left. “No” Jo responded smiling.

“No? So that’s it?”

Jo gave Ashley a small piece a paper “Not exactly.”

Ashley looked confused as she read what was written on the little piece of paper, #729 Arthur Ave.

The girls were there by late in the afternoon it wasn’t really that far from the elementary school but since they basically walked everywhere they did take longer. Jo knocked on the door hoping for a response. 

Suddenly the door opened and a little girl answered.

“Hi” she said with a greeting voice, “May I help you?”

“Is this the residence of Lindsey Novak?” Jo asked a bit nervously.

“Who’s asking?”

“My name is Jo, I’m here on behalf of Del Rio high school for the extracurricular English program, are your parents home.”

Lindsey closed the door and before she knew it another guy was at the door, he was about her age and he had those strong blue eyes like Cas’.

“Why hello” he said in a weird way.

“Hi, are you Lindsey’s older brother?”

“That depends what a cutie like you needs to be doing with my sis,” he said in a very cocky way.

Great, a Casanova, Jo thought.

“I’m here on behalf of Del Rio high school for an extracurricular activity.”

“I’m Richard, but a babe like you can call me Rich” he said with a cocky smile.

“Yeah, great” Jo started “is there anybody else I can speak to, like a grownup?”

“Hold up, we don’t need no grownup we can settle this between us” he chuckled

Jo was really starting to get annoyed by this guy, “Listen I need to talk to your parents, not to you, now if you could please call them or whoever is in charge of you I would really appreciate it.”

“C’mon babe don’t be that hard”

“Hey ass butt!” Ashley stormed, “Stop trying to hit on my friend or I swear I will go all missy Elliot on you and boy when I’m done the only way you’re gonna get laid is going to be in your own handicapped bed.”

“All right, chill girl” he went inside and left the girls by the door.

“Ass butt?” That was really the first thing that came to your mind?” Jo said. “It helped didn’t it?” Ashley responded.

After a few moments Lindsey was at the door again, “Come in” she said.

Their house was very pretty it had the touch of your average California suburban home but with a hint of the New York life style.

Lindsey greeted them to the living room, there sitting on the sofa was a very old man, he was watching the football game without really paying attention to them.

“Grandpa the nice ladies are here” Lindsey said almost as soon as they walked in, Richard was by the hallway but maintained a distance because of Ashley’s warning.

“What do you young ladies want?” the old man said with a strong voice. 

“Well um, we are here because Lindsey was selected to be a part of an extracurricular activity involving my high school.”

“Is that so” the old man asked.

“Yes that’s it, and for us to be able to take place with this we need to know a few things, from you.”

The old man looked confused, heck even Ashley was confused right now.

“Yeah, it’s um important because we believe childhood smarts come directly from their grandparents” she was literally making it up as she was going.

 

“We do?” Ashley asked making Jo give her a serious look. “Oh Right!! Yes, we do believe that” Ashley said.

“Oh well, what do you girls need to know?” the man said now a bit more intrigued.

“What is your name?” Jo asked.

“Gabriel Novak” he responded.

“Well Mr. Gabriel, do you have any brothers?”

“Yes, Rachel, Michael and” he paused a bit startled, “Oh sorry I was counting myself, silly me” he laughed.

“Are you sure” Jo asked

“What do you mean if I’m sure? Does it look like a have a reason to lie?” 

“No, of course not I’m sorry” Jo apologized, “How old are you”

“I will soon be 90.”

Jo’s phone started to vibrate it was a message from her brother but she got an idea on how to get information from this man.

“Sorry it’s a new friend of mine, Castiel, you know how new people can be”

Gabriel’s eyes looked up immediately as she said that name.

“Castiel’s a very odd name isn’t it?” Jo knew she was starting to push the boundaries but she needed to do it. 

“I’m sorry but I think you should go” Gabriel said almost instantly.

“But we just started the interview” Ashley protested.

“Yes but we have things to do, and you’re interrupting us”

“Grandpa hold up” Richard said.

“I’m not going to hold up, now please girls leave.”

“We are not leaving until you tell us what happened to your brother Castiel Novak!” there, she said it, completely out of impulse.

“You get the hell off my property!” Gabriel was furious “I swear I’m calling the police!”

“You know who he is!” she brought out Castiel’s picture and tried to show it to him, but the man wasn’t going to listen.

He pushed Jo aside and Lindsey started yelling, “Get out of here!” 

Richard picked up the picture and gave it to Jo as he helped her stand up, he then went to calm his grandpa down.

“Grandpa please, calm down!” he said. “Not until they leave” Gabriel said angrily.

Ashley and Jo left the house immediately; as soon as they were outside Ashley slapped Jo on the forehead, “What was that for?” Jo asked.

“Seriously? You had somewhat of a lead on this situation and you go directly on Gabriel like it’s nobody’s business.” Ashley said

“I’m sorry it’s just, I knew he was lying and denying he knew Cas, but why?”

Ashley just shrugged.

The girls started walking down the street, both kind of sad about what had happened, suddenly they heard that someone was calling them, it was Richard.

“Hey!! Wait up!!” he yelled.

“What do you want?” Ashley asked as Richard caught up to them.

“Ok look I’m sorry for being a jerk back there ok? But that man in the picture, I’ve seen him before.”

“Where?” Jo asked impulsively.

“At my Aunt Rachel’s house, she is grandpa Gabriel’s sister. She lives about half an hour from here.”

“Could give us an address?” Jo asked. “What are you doing?” Ashley protested “We almost gave one old person a heart attack, now you want to go at another?”

“Listen I’d love to help, but I need to know exactly what’s going on” Richard said in between words, “I need to know the truth.”

“It’s a very long story” Jo said.

“Good thing we’ve got time before we get there.” Richard said.

“Before we get where?” Jo asked.

“Fallbrook, that’s where my Aunt Rachel lives.”

“What makes you think we’ll go with you?” Ashley said suspiciously.

“First off, you girls don’t have an address so you kind of need me as a guide, and second I’m about 100% sure you don’t have a car to get there. But in order for me to help you girls I need to know the whole truth.”

Jo looked at Ashley for a moment, maybe this was a crazy idea, but it was the only way they would find out why Gabriel denied Cas.

“Fine, but we have to get there before dark.” Jo said

They both got into Richards truck and on the way to Fallbrook Jo started telling him everything, for some reason she felt like he’d understand.

Richard paid attention to every word Jo was telling him, holy crap this was one depressing story, he really didn’t find it that hard as to why his grandpa or granduncles never mentioned him. He wasn’t a homophobe or anything but he kind of gets it, it was a time where homosexuality was literally seen as a disease. 

“Wow, and your grandpa never even mentioned him, at least once?” he asked Jo a bit confused.

“Well I mean what purpose would it have, he was already living with my grandma Lisa and made her happy, so even if he missed Cas he couldn’t just talk about him every day like it was the most normal thing in the world” Jo answered.

Ashley instantly changed the subject because she knew that they would start getting all sappy on the way and they were already gonna get enough of that at the old lady’s house.

“So why have you decided to help us, Rich?” Ashley asked.

“Well I figured it’s my way of apologizing for how I treated Jo when we met”

Jo blushed a little and Ashley pinched her.

A couple of minutes later they were entering Fallbrook California, it was very beautiful and had lots of forest surrounding it which made it even better.

They finally stopped in front of a peach colored house, and Richard told them it was here. 

Richard knocked on the door but there was no response, he told the girls to wait for him as he checked the backyard. A few moments later the girls heard laughing and decided that instead of waiting they would go check it out.

In the backyard was Richard and an old lady laughing out loud, she was very pretty and young looking despite her age, and her hair did not possess a single gray hair, she must be Rachel.

Rachel noticed the girls and told them to enter the backyard.

“Please come in young ladies” she said. “I am Rachel, what are your names?”

“I’m Jo and this my friend Ashley” 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you” Ashley said.

“The pleasure is all mine, Rich says I may be of assistance to your investigation, tell me, what is it you need?” Rachel said so kind hearted.

“It’s about Castiel” Jo said.

Both Ashley and Richard gave Jo a surprised and terrified look, they had agreed not to directly mention him because of what had happened with Gabriel.

“How do you know about Castiel?” She startled 

“More than 40 years ago your brother died, on the day you buried him you met a man, a man Castiel loved like no other, and his name was dean Winchester.”

Rachel felt shivers as she looked at the young girl she couldn’t hide her face of shock and suddenly her emerald green eyes made sense.

“My name is Johanna Winchester, I’m that man’s granddaughter.”


	4. Secrets can be hurtful

The inside of Rachel’s house was filled with pictures of her and her family; she was once married to a man named Anthony but he had died about 5 years ago and their only daughter Alice was living in New York city. 

Rachel told the girls to check out the pictures near the stairway while she made them some hot chocolate, it was Castiel, nearly the whole stairway had his pictures, he looked very young in a lot of them there even were pictures from when he was a baby. Those blue eyes always sticking out like sapphires, Ashley was right he was a looker. 

Jo suddenly wondered if grandpa Dean ever got to see these pictures, she bets that would make him happy, Jo and Ashley were both really mesmerized by all the pictures that they barely heard when Rachel called them to the table.

She served them some hot chocolate and began speaking without any hesitation, just like Jo she went straight to the point. “So sweetie, your grandpa Dean, how is he?”

Jo looked down at her cup for a moment then spoke “He died almost a month ago.”   
Rachel put her hand over hers, she understood.

“A month ago huh” She said, “So both of them died on April, hmm, it doesn’t surprise me.” She giggled.

“What do you mean?” Jo asked.

“Love is something many people can’t comprehend, but there is something that you must always know and understand, when love is sincere honest and willing to overcome everything, it can’t be easily outdone even by death.” 

Now Jo, Ashley and Richard all shared confused looks, “What is that supposed to mean exactly?” Ashley asked.

“It means that Dean never stopped loving Cas, but also that Cas knows he will see him again. I’m betting both of them died on a Thursday.”   
Jo was shocked, “How did you even know that?” 

“Love sweetie, that’s love.”

“Grandma, how come no one has ever mentioned Cas before, I mean you never bothered explaining the photos and they weren’t there until a few years ago” Richard asked.

Rachel got up and headed for the living room.

“Before Castiel parted to medical school, someone told my dad he was seen fondling with another man behind his high school, everyone went against Castiel, my father, Gabriel and Michael all confronted him and he didn’t know what to say. So my father sent him away to study college somewhere else.”

“Did they ever emend peace?” Jo asked.

“No, although after Cas met Dean everything changed, Cas was a whole new person he had more confidence and didn’t even care what my father and brothers thought of him, he was happy.”

Suddenly there was a crack in her voice and she sat down instantly on the couch while holding Castiel’s picture with him.

Everyone got up and joined her on the couch Rich holding her hand and Ashley and Jo smiling at her letting her know that everything was ok.

“There is one thing I will always hate myself and my brothers for doing, when Cas was sick in the hospital bed we were there with him, but when Cas’ final desire was for us to contact Dean, everyone started objectifying and if that wasn’t horrible enough, the moment your grandpa Dean got there Gabriel and Michael told me we had to go.”

Rachel covered her face, the tears flowing down uncontrollably, Jo told her that if she wanted to stop she didn’t need to explain everything, she understood, but Rachel protested she wanted to finish. 

“I tried protesting against the idea, but at the same time seeing him die would be too much for me, and I did it. To this day I hate myself for doing that to him my big brother who loved me like no one else and I just left him there dying.”

“Aunt Rachel it wasn’t your fault, you had my Grandpa and uncle at your back and we know just how stubborn they are.” Rich was doing his best not to break down just like his Grandaunt Rachel but he was starting to lose it as well.

“When did you find out about his passing?” Jo asked

“Well your uncle Sam called because Dean was too broken to even speak to us, and when I found out I had no one but my husband to console me, I didn’t find that in any of my brothers and to this day I despise what they did.”

“Rachel I know it sounds horrible but believe me Castiel loved you and he still does, you’re his baby sister, and besides I understand you were under the influence of your brothers and of course no one wants to see anyone they love die, I certainly wouldn’t, at least not again.”

Rachel hugged Jo; they both knew what it was like going through that and having to say goodbye to the people you love. 

Jo took out the pictures of Dean and Cas and showed it to Rachel, her face filled with joy, seeing Cas be that happy made her feel wonderful, it really warmed her heart.

“I remember the day of my wedding Cas wouldn’t shut up about Dean, the way he spoke I could instantly tell that love had struck him hard, boy watching him grin like that really made me happy.”

“So how did you meet Jo’s grandpa exactly?” Ashley asked as always with great timing.

“On the day of Castiel’s funeral I finally got to meet him, he was a nice man and he didn’t even care the way my brothers saw him, now that I think about it I remember dean tossing a small picture into Cas’ grave I didn’t have the gut to ask him who’s it was but I’m guessing it was him and Castiel probably .” 

“That really wouldn’t surprise me” Jo said.

“We should forget about this whole sad situation,” she added with a smile, “tell me Rachel how was your married life.” She grinned widely at her so she wouldn’t feel bad anymore  
.  
Rachel started to calm down and she and the teens started talking about pretty much everything in her life, when she married, how was her daughter, her life before the death of Castiel, what seemed to be just a small talk turned into a whole conversation, it wasn’t until Jo excused herself to the bathroom that she had realized it was almost midnight.

“My dad is gonna kill me!” She said out loud, frustrated from having to leave but also knowing that she would be dead if she didn’t get home already.She immediately got out of the bathroom and told Richard and Ashley they had to go, neither of them had noticed the time slipping by either.

“It was fun Aunt Rachel but we have to go” Rich kissed his aunt on the cheek then excused himself and hurried to start the car.

“Really lovely, hope to do this again sometime” Ashley said as she too headed for the door.

“Thank you for everything Rachel, I feel like now I can be calm and stop worrying about all these ideas in my head” Jo said laughing and hugging her.

“It was good meeting you sweetie” Rachel said “I just need to know why you took to all that trouble for finding me and everyone related to Castiel?”

Jo just looked at her for a moment, it hadn’t really sunk to her until now but she was kind of starting to understand things, visiting Rachel really had been a great idea.

“You know I guess I was just in doubt, I didn’t want to believe that things this tragic happen, when I knew about Cas and my grandpa Deans love story and saw the pictures, the letters and the video” she trailed out noticing Rachel staring at her, “there was something more there, something even my parents don’t have and although grandpa Dean loved my grandma Lisa, I kind of always knew it wasn’t the most he’d loved someone I could always just tell.”

“Sweetheart I know it’s hard, believe me I know, but the past is past and they are probably together now like they were always destined to be, do you honestly think that they are happy knowing you suffer for them?” Rachel said, voice tender loving as ever, “The reason their love made through what it did was because they were always strong, for each other for themselves, it wasn’t a perfect love, they weren’t perfect people, what was important is that they were perfect for each other. Really, that’s all that ever matters.”

Jo hugged Rachel again, “Thank you so much, I promise I’ll visit real soon.”

“Please do dear now go on and live a wonderful life.”

“Thank you for everything” Jo said as she headed out the front door, Ashley was already honking the horn so she would hurry up.

“Come on Jo our parents are gonna kill us!” she screamed out loud.

The road wasn’t as lonely as any of the guys had expected in fact one could say there was traffic, within minutes Ashley had completely fallen asleep, Jo understood they had been on this adventure throughout the whole day, she deserved to rest a while.

Richard broke the silence that was invading the car since the radio didn’t work.

“So what did my aunt Rachel tell you before leaving?”

“She asked me if my adventure on finding out about Castiel and his family paid off.”

“Did it Jo?” he asked a bit concerned about knowing the answer.

“It did, just not in the way I expected, but maybe that’s good because it’s the surprises in life that make it better don’t you think.” She grinned at him.

“Look at you being all happy, I like it, you have a beautiful smile you know that?”

Jo just laughed, she had been wrong to judge Richard, he wasn’t a bad guy just a bit dumb in general but he was a good guy, horny as hell that was for sure but a good guy. 

“So how did you take this whole situation, because I noticed you were a bit off during the conversation, especially when your Aunt mentioned your grandpa Gabriel.” Jo asked deliberately

“Well honestly, I’m pissed as hell, I mean abandoning your brother on his death bed, seriously how can one just do that? I just don’t think I’ll be able to see grandpa in the same way after that, it’s something no one deserves ever.”

Jo understood, and she thought he was right, then again in that time homosexuality was practically an abomination or at least that’s what people considered it, still, abandoning your brother and on his death bed was a new way of low Jo never even thought about.

With all the commotion Jo kicked the seat and the radio started playing, Richard just looked at her and laughed in shock, both of them just staring in amazement.

“Can you come kick my air conditioning; it’s been bugging me a lot?” Richard joked.

Jo just started laughing while Richard looked for a different music station he finally found one and to their surprise the song playing was can’t help falling in love with you by Elvis, 

Jo looking at Richard who was doing the same at her.

“You know what I’ll change it” he said while reaching the stereo buttons.

“No don’t” Jo said eagerly “I kind of want to hear it”

“You seriously want to start listening to Elvis after all the stories, seriously?”

“What can’t you dig Elvis like our ancestors did” She said playfully.

“Well I’m guessing I can dig Elvis, for them and for you.” Richard said.

-Like a river flows surely to the sea-

They both just hummed the tune as they arrived to her home, she had completely forgotten just how grounded she was going to be but she knew it was worth it.

She hadn’t gotten the complete answers she was looking for, then again, even Jo didn’t know what she was looking for, she just knows that she now possesses what she needed. Plus meeting Richard and Rachel had been a wonderful experience.

Finally they got home.

-For I can’t help falling in love with you-

“Thanks for everything” she said to him planting a small kiss on his cheek. Richard just blushed he felt kind of stupid for letting his guard down but at the same time he was glad.

“I hope to see you soon” he said still blushing.

“Me too”

As she got out the car she pulled Ashley out asking Rich to leave before her dad saw him, he did as told.

Now Jo was basically dragging Ashley into her house since she was practically still asleep but that completely changed when both of their parents were in the living room impatient and waiting.

“Where the hell were you?!” Ben yelled with such wrath that his wife had to calm him down.

Yep, Ashley and Jo were completely awake and out of that dazing faze, because boy were they gonna be grounded.

“We went to visit a friend’s grandaunt, in Fallbrook.” Jo said realizing it may have been a mistake to mention that last part.

“What the heck were you girls doing all the way to Fallbrook without our permission and on a school night?” Ashley’s father said.

“We just thought it would be sweet she’s so old and lonely, why not be nice to her right?” Jo nudged to Ashley. “That’s right, she would have been so sad if no one visited her.”

“Well maybe it was a nice gesture on your behalf but you girls are still grounded, two weeks no going out, it will be directly from school to home got it?” Erica said impatient.

“Yes mom” Jo responded

“Yes Mrs. Winchester” Ashley responded as well.

“Ok Ashley say goodbye it’s time for us to go home, where we will discuss the chores you’re gonna put up with.” Ashley’s dad said.

“Fine, goodnight Mr. and Mrs. Winchester” she said a bit ashamed of the situation.

“Good night Ashley, please no more escaping ok?” They said.

“I promise”

She hugged Jo “Guess we won’t be going on adventures for a while huh?”

Jo laughed “Well this one was worth all the trouble.”

Ashley whispered into her ear “Well you’re the one who got to kiss the cute boy” she said teasingly

Jo got a little jumpy, she was sure Ashley was asleep during that little moment, but then again she did kick at the passenger’s seat.

Once Ashley had left Jo had to face her angry parents alone, it was going to be a complicated night.

“So young lady care to explain?” her dad asked with actual fury in his voice, Jo had never done this before ever, she was pretty much a nerd for all sakes but even she knew curfew hours were important.

“Like I said we went to visit a friends grandpa, and honestly dad I have been really mature throughout my whole life, and suddenly one mistake is enough for you to attack me, well I’m not taking this I did what I had to do for a good cause so now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to bed.”

Jo lost her composure as she headed for her room, how on earth did she get the nerve to say that? Well she wasn’t going to apologize now, she had to make a statement even if it might have hurt her dad. She would find a way to make it up to him later.

As she entered her room however, her mind completely focused on the stack of letters hiding in her cabinet, as she brought them out she focused on each one, it was a one of a kind love story, a story before and after tragedy but a love story none the less.

Both had been hurt in different ways yet Rachel’s words were precise, when love is stronger than anything, there’s practically nothing that can take it away, make it fade or make it forgettable.

Jo knew she would treasure the memories, read the letters and maybe in some occasions feel bad about it but she will also remember that their love lives on and now stronger than ever. Because she believes in it, Sam and Jess believe in it, Rachel does too and now so do Ashley and Richard, and that’s more than so many get to believe.

Jo prepared herself to rest, putting the letters back in the cabinet and preparing everything for tomorrow, she was already thinking how she would make it up to her father for yelling at him in that way but she got no ideas. Finally she leaves it behind at decides to sleep.

The waves awaken her, she lies on the ground covered in a blanket, she’s outside it is day time and she does not know where she is, except she notices she is by the ocean! She walks towards the waves not knowing anything of what surrounds her, what’s happening, why is she here and where is here?

It’s all alone the sun high in the sky, something so familiar about this ocean as if she had it before, like the dreams she use to have about Castiel and how he was waiting for Grandpa Dean, but this, this was different.

She was never in those dreams and the climate was never this sunny, no, this is something completely different.

It seems like hours have gone by as she walks by the shore, there’s absolutely nothing but rocks and the ocean, not a sign of a nearby town just what looks like a road, a very abandoned road. She feels as if she’s about to lose it when she notices something, not something, someone.

Standing there watching as the waves hit, a man it seems because of the clothes he wears, Jo does not recognize him at all, but he’s the only person here, probably the only one in miles so she decides to head up to him. 

“Hey!! Hey!! I’m lost can you help me” she screams eagerly trying to get the strangers attention but it seems as if he doesn’t even acknowledge her existence. Jo runs every time even faster catching to the strange man.

She finally catches up yelling at him as to why he doesn’t respond, the stranger turns finally facing her, he wears brown pants and a blue cardigan sweater, what catches Jo’s attention are his eyes, those blue sapphire eyes that reflect the ocean.

“Castiel” she murmurs.


	5. They're called secrets for a reason

December 19th 1982

Sam entered Dean’s apartment, he hadn’t heard from him all day and was starting to worry, they had agreed to see each other at the cemetery, apparently Dean wanted to go play some Elvis for Cas before they headed off to a family dinner at Jess’ place.

Christmas would arrive soon and last year Dean was very depressed the whole season, maybe if Sam hadn’t been there Dean would’ve done something crazy, he couldn’t imagine the pain that these times bring to his brother, in fact he didn’t want to think about it at all. 

The apartment was silent except for the turn table which was playing Can’t help falling with you, Sam looked all around but couldn’t find anything, he then heard someone moan from inside the bathroom, the door was completely locked and Sam had the worst feeling.

He threw the door down and found Dean inside the bathtub unconscious with his wrist bleeding out.

“Dean!!” 

As he tried to pick him up, Dean protested, “No! Leave me!! I can’t do it anymore!”

“Dean don’t do this, Cas wouldn’t want this!”

“I can’t live without him anymore, Sam let me die.”

“No Dean, No!!”

May 10th 2026 Present Day

The alarm woke Jo up, she was completely startled, what had just happened? Jo quickly got up and headed to the bathroom to check if she wasn’t probably hallucinating from a fever, to her surprise she looked perfectly.

She got ready for school not forgetting the dream she had, why was she dreaming of this now, why now? Wasn’t everything already in the past, she had finally made ends meet, or at least she thought she did.

She headed down stairs, for some reason she found herself needing to make sure everything was real, that it was normal.

“Sweetie are you ok?” her mom asked as Jo entered the kitchen with a face that showed confusion and overall startlement, her mom gently smiled at her while cutting apple slices for Jake’s school lunch.

“Yeah, I’m fine just a bit tired” she lied.

“Well I hope you learned a lesson after what happened yesterday, your father was very disappointed and it seems like your words really hurt him.”

Jo looked at her mom who never made eye contact with her, instead she was concentrated on what she was doing while trying to explain herself, “I do believe you owe him an apology after what happened last night don’t you think?”

“Yes mom, I promise I’ll apologize tonight once he gets home from the construction site.”

“Perfect, now finish getting ready because we have to leave your grandma at her friend’s house so we’re leaving 20 minutes earlier ok.”

“Ok”

Jo knew she had to tell Ashley about the dream something seemed important about it she just couldn’t figure out what that was. Her mom called her downstairs they had to go now, her grandma and Jake were already in the car so only she was missing.

Inside the car Grandma Lisa started to talk about how she was going to play bingo with the girls and for some reason this made Jo giggle but made Lisa a bit upset.  
Great now she had to apologize to her grandma too. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings grandma, I’m sorry.”

Grandma Lisa just smiled and looked up ahead as they left the house.

On the way to school Jo started writing down what she remembered from her dream but now it was all so foggy, she wrote only the details she perfectly remembered:  
-Was at the beach  
-Saw Castiel  
-Had a small chat  
-“Not everything is how it’s written and not everything is how it’s told”

She paused at the last sentence, what was Cas trying to tell her? More importantly why was she going full stress on all of this, was she really believing that it was the real Cas from beyond the grave trying to tell her something? That would be just ridiculous.

She hid the notebook in her backpack once she noticed Jake snooping around in the back seat, she would finish it in class.

After arriving to school she met up with Ashley and Ashley started about how she was grounded basically for life and how she wouldn’t be able to go see Bastille on concert next month, Jo felt horrible for Ashley , it was her fault after all that this had happened.

“I promise that after we get out of being grounded I will personally take you to buy their new album whichever that is” Jo said kindly.

“Fine but it better be good.” Ashley remarked ”Oh and guess what I got.”

She pulled a cell phone out of her pocket, an IPhone 7FX, and of course this was gonna happen, the girls both hadn’t had a cell phone since junior year and both disposed of them because they were getting too caught up on social media almost flunking the year. Besides they were such nerds they rarely went out to parties and were always at each other’s houses so what was the point of having them.

But then again maybe having a cell phone would’ve helped avoid last night’s drama and now Jo was considering getting a phone for herself, but of course it would only have the essentials.

“Well it doesn’t surprise me, after yesterday and all we went through maybe having a phone isn’t all that bad” Jo said.

“Plus you could have Rich’s number so you can chat with him 24/7.” Ashley said completely teasingly.

Jo just moaned and told Ashley to hurry on to class.

School went on just normally but for obvious reason Jo had her mind on two things the first and maybe more important was the dream she had, she finally got to meet Castiel in person well sort of but it was still a crazy dream and there was something about what he said that startled her, “Nothing is how it’s written” did he mean the letters? Did grandpa Dean lie about what he wrote down, or was there something there that just wasn’t rightly written?

The second thing she couldn’t stop thinking about before her crazy dream and maybe as a distraction was Rich, something about him made Jo feel different, his eyes were beautiful, sure he was a douchebag at first but people change and well he was cute. 

It was silly but she could understand how a pair of blue eyes could’ve captivated her grandpa Dean, they reflected the beauty of an ocean, the clearness of the sky, boy she was cheesy but she knew that it was exactly how star struck her grandpa Dean was.

More likely how they both were, she had already started drawing those blue eyes into her text book without even noticing, she really needed to concentrate on the class.  
Alas there was something the Novaks have that make the Winchesters fall, and it may just be more than those damn blue eyes.

After the lunch bell rang Jo hurried Ashley into the cafeteria instantly sitting her and telling her all about her dream.

“Ok now that is completely crazy, you’re telling me Castiel came from beyond the afterlife into your dream to tell you something about the letters being wrong or something?”

Jo knew it sounded crazy but everything at this point was possible.

“Do you think my grandpa could’ve lied in his letters?”

“In what way, I mean you can’t lie to a ghost can you, besides if Cas is in heaven wouldn’t your grandpa have known that Cas was watching over him?” Ashley said, her eyes fixated on the worried Jo, she thought her friend really needed a break from all this.

“What if Cas isn’t in heaven?” Jo said out of nowhere her eyes fixated into the distance for a moment only to come back down to reality for a desperate Ashley who needed answers.

“What do mean? Do you think he’s down there?” Ashley rolled her eyes towards the floor almost in a very serious manner.

“No of course not, but he’s not in peace, before this whole incident with Rachel and Gabriel I would dream of Cas waiting by the ocean for my grandpa, except he never arrived, and Cas would just wait until I woke up, just looking deep into the horizon waiting.”

For a moment both girls were silent then it occurred to Ashley something that probably none of them had thought at the moment.

“What if Cas isn’t he one who’s restless, what if it’s your grandpa Dean who can’t find his way towards him?”

“Ashley what are you even talking about right now?”

“Maybe there is something your grandpa Dean never said, something he never did before dying which is why he can’t be at peace with Castiel. Plus you told me your grandpa rarely believed in heaven and in god right?”

“So you think Cas is at peace but my grandpa isn’t?”

“I wish I knew what to tell you Jo.”

Those words filled the moment with plain silence, both girls quietly finishing their lunches without mentioning anything else, as the bell rang for another class both of them just walked side by side not saying a word of any sort.

As school ended Jo left off with Ashley, thankfully their parents still allowed them to walk home together, though they weren’t in complete silence both of them had been somewhat restless about the idea of Dean not being in peace yet.

They both said goodbye to each other, and parted their separate ways to get home, as soon as she got home Jo entered her room and pulled out the letters checking each one in chronological order, she finally fixated on the fifth one which dated back to Christmas from 1982, something particular about it especially for a standing out phrase “I’m sorry for trying”

December 19th 1982

Sam was in the waiting room when Jess arrived, horror reflected in her face. “How is he? What happened?” She asked, Sam could notice the confusion and the terror in her voice almost immediately she was devastated and it was no wonder because Sam called telling her to get to the hospital immediately, saying that Dean was in the ER without mentioning anything else.

“I don’t know, they’re doing medical procedure and the doctor told me they would inform me as soon as they knew something.”

Jess hugged him tightly; she couldn’t imagine the pain Sam was going through, if she felt horrible not knowing what to do, imagine Sam who has to see his brother be taken into the ER.

As the hours go by, Sam is restless, he had already lost Cas whom he grew to love as a brother, he couldn’t imagine losing Dean it would just kill him, imagining trying to go on without what’s left of his family, his brother.

As time keeps on going, Jess finds herself comforting Sam in the best way she can but the thought of being in the hospital makes her remember Cas and that memory is just too much, too much. She loved Cas as much as she loves Dean and she couldn’t bare thinking about having to lose them both, they are her family and she truly cares about them.  
The desperation is absolutely terrifying, both of them just want to make everything end, they want to know what’s going on, they want to know Dean’s ok.

Finally after what seems to be an eternity the doctor calls out for Sam, and both him and Jess instantly get out of their seats and head over with the doctor.

“How is he?” Sam asks immediately 

“He’s stable now, but he lost a lot of blood, thankfully for us not that much too kill him or to create permanent damage on any tissue.”

“Can we see him doctor?” Jess asked with a sudden break in her voice.

“Yes, he is still medicated but thoroughly awake, so don’t be worried if he isn’t responding that well or if his behavior is abnormal.”

Sam thanked the doctor then practically shoved through the door in order to see Dean, he was lying on the bed with the oxygen mask still on to help him breath, Sam couldn’t ignore the memory of Cas especially knowing that it was the reason Dean tried to kill himself.

Dean was apparently playing it cool most of the time but he was still a wreck on the inside, but who could blame him, he loved Castiel and no one could ever change that. 

Jess entered the room right after Sam and left out a strong gasp as she saw Dean, she too remembered Cas. Dean was ok and that was something that made her feel slightly optimistic, but some memories she just couldn’t shake off her mind.

Dean woke up, barley, facing Sam and Jess who were right beside him, both having a mixture of relief and angst on their faces, he felt like a coward.

“Hey there Dean, how you feeling?” Sam asked trying to sound hopeful, his intent of not completely focusing on dean’s wristbands was useless, the idea of Dean trying to kill himself was a small but agonizing torture to him, even if he was ok.

“A little sore but I’m ok” Dean focused his attention to Jess who was clearly in a moment of sentimental torture and relief, “Hey beautiful” he slightly smirked.

Jess quickly hugged him, she didn’t cry, she just held him in her arms not wanting to let go, Sam joined in on their hug and could feel Dean being a bit weepy. Suddenly Dean began to get sleepy and almost instantly fell asleep, Sam hugged Jess in relief, his brother was ok and right now that’s all that matters.

When Dean woke up the next day, he saw Sam sleeping on the other side of the room, he didn’t want to wake him, he looked so at peace and relaxed, holding Jess in his arms, that women loved Sam and even after years it still showed.

Instead he focused on his wristbands, he felt like such an idiot, why would he even try doing that? For a moment he felt weak he didn’t know what overcame him, he had already gone through one Christmas without Castiel and thanks to Sam, Jess and Abigail he had made it. But now for some reason all of that seemed forgotten.

He remembered starting to write a letter, a letter he didn’t finish, gazing upon one of Castiel’s pictures and drinking down shots of whiskey as he wrote down a few words,

 

Dear Cas  
It’s almost Christmas again, and as always I wish you were here, it would be nice just to be the both of us arguing on how we would decorate the tree, how the lights are supposed to be arranged, and whether or not Santa does exist.

I plan on going to play some Christmas songs for you this year, a little less Elvis and a bit more Christmas spirit; I hope you don’t mind it.

So get this, there’s these new things called CD’s being sold out with Music from many singers, it’s like a record but much smaller and lighter, I know it sounds crazy but hey it would beat carrying out that darn turntable every time I visit you, although I never mind I’m glad I do it, because I do it for you, my bab-

 

The words cut off, Dean suddenly felt a knot in his throat, he starts imaging how beautiful it would be if he and Cas had one of those CD players everyone keeps mentioning, he would love to slow dance with him once more, listening to Cas mention why he loves songs of love, why he loves Dean.

He got up and headed towards the turntable putting on the record which played some Elvis, and Dean starts to slow dance alone, imagining Cas by his side, his eyes fixate on the imaginary blue eyes of the man he once loved. As the music progresses tears fall from the man’s eyes, he stops, the sound of Elvis fills the room, but again it’s empty.

“I love you” he whispered into the apartment hoping that somehow Cas would respond but that response doesn’t arrive instead it is followed by the silence that surrounds him.

He headed towards the table focuses on the picture of the gorgeous man who still owns his heart and then takes his last shot if whiskey.

Dean then went to his living room, he found his dagger, short but sharp, he watches it for a moment before he heads to the bathroom, as he entered he hesitated a bit, only to then instantly let the water running filling up the bath tub. 

He took the current record off the turntable and then find’s Cas’ Blue Hawaii album, placing it in order for it to play Castiel’s favorite song.

When he entered the bathroom he took off his jacket and boots leaving the rest of his clothes on, he locked the door and then he enters the tub stopping the running water. He focused on the dagger in his hand as the music fills the room, looking up for a moment.

“It’s time, see you then my baby”. He whispers to heaven closing his eyes for an instant.

As he cuts his wrist.

Dean shivers at the memory, he can’t believe what he had intended, he seriously had tried ending his life, abandoning Sam, Jess and poor little Abby, why was he such a raging idiot? How could he even think that for a moment?”

He wanted to beat someone up, the rage inside him was too much, he hated himself, he let everyone down, and Cas probably felt hurt for Dean.

He tried getting up completely angry, but the moment he tried to lift himself supporting his body on his hands, an agonizing pain crossed his whole body. He instantly screamed as the growing pain numbed his wrists and made in unbearable to ignore.

Sam was right by his side trying to calm him down but it was all useless as the pain in his body kept growing, he had actually really made bigger damage than thought.  
The doctors sedated him, as soon as he was at rest Sam went directly to the doctor to know what had happened.

“Well for what we can tell, Dean forcedly tried to get up, and while trying that he ended up hurting himself more, you see his wounds are still partially open, and the stiches were still fresh so doing what he did was just plain dumb.”

Sam knew his brother was a knuckle head, but at this moment he understood, Dean wasn’t in any condition to make actual good decisions, so he made the first one for him, he would be spending Christmas with Him and Jess’ family.

December 25th 1982  
It was Christmas morning and boy was it a good one, everyone was sharing the Christmas spirit, Dean’s incident was a thing of the past, and Sam was joyful about it just like everyone around him.

The tree was surrounded by enormous amounts of presents, there was eggnog for days and Dean was smiling practically throughout the whole morning. It was just a perfect day.  
Jess kept on chasing Abby and Sam would huddle in with them, Dean would watch them and couldn’t help but smile all the way. That little girl and that woman made his brother the happiest man in the world, and he was grateful for that.

When the afternoon arrived Dean asked if he could speak privately with Sam, as they walked outside in the cold air, Sam couldn’t help but worry what Dean was going to do or say.  
Dean turned to face his brother, he then reached into his pocket and brought out a letter, it was a request, for personal therapy, Dean was actually going to seek professional help.  
Sam was a bit in shock, “When did you request this, and why all of a sudden?” he asked.

Dean cleared his throat before speaking to his brother, “It was after I got out of the hospital on the 21st I called a help group center, and then I went to fill in a few forms, Jess took me, and well the response came in yesterday morning.”

None of them spoke Sam just hugged his brother so strongly not wanting to let go, when they separated Dean continued saying, “I realized that I was a complete idiot, I couldn’t believe I tried to just leave you guys, abandon you and hurt you. I could never forgive myself for that.”

Sam just chuckled for a moment, “This is the best Christmas present ever, thank you Dean, I couldn’t ask for anything else than to see you be your actual self again, to see you be whole once more.”

Jess came outside with them holding sweet little Abby in her arms, she found herself immerse in a group hug with the two brothers and she just laughed.

“So I figure you know about Dean’s important decision huh?”

Sam grinned widely and gave her a strong kiss, “The best news ever” he said.

Dean looked at them happily for a long moment then decided to speak up.

“So if you guys don’t mind I would like us to go play some songs for Castiel, it is Christmas after all.”  
Sam wasn’t completely sure about the idea, with everything that had happened but before he could even say a word Jess had already agreed for him.

They all got into Sam’s car and headed for the cemetery, on the way there, they weren’t silent at all they were singing along to the radio, anything that came up was good music to pass the time. Dean would lift Abby form her seat and made her dance to the music, it just kept on making Sam and Jess laugh.

Finally they arrived to the cemetery, Sam parked the car while Dean brought out his turn table, they soon arrived at Cas’ grave.

“Hey there Cas” Dean said in cheerful and happy voice, “Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas Castiel” Sam and Jess both said at the same time, the weight on Sam’s shoulders had completely lifted and he felt relieved, he was glad to be there.

“Castiel” 

Jess glared at Sam and Dean in shock, Abby had said that, Abby had actually said a full word without error and it was Cas’ name. 

“Sweetie, say that again” Dean said, he felt a sudden sensation of happiness and an uplifting in his spirit.

“Castiel” she repeated, Jess and Sam both laughed and so did Dean but he also had tears in his eyes, they weren’t sad tears, they were completely tears of joy, and Sam knew that as he watched his brother lift little Abby.

He was about to play a record for Cas when suddenly, Jess started singing.

-Silent night, holy night  
All is calm all is bright-

Sam joined in with her, and pretty soon so did Dean and Abby, well she mumbled the song, all four of them smiling facing Castiel’s grave with a sentiment of Joy of happiness and of relief, they all missed Castiel, of course they did, but they were starting to be aware of the fact that he was in a better place, a place of happiness.

-Sleep in heavenly peace  
Sleep in heavenly peace-

The night had already approached by the time they got back to Jess’ home, and upon entering Jess’ mother greeted them with some eggnog and fresh made chocolate chip cookies.

That night went on in complete peace, everyone sitting at the table just having fun conversation and making the best of Christmas, you truly can’t ever ask for anything better than moments like these.

When everyone was completely asleep Dean got out of the guest room and headed for the kitchen, he put a sheet of paper on the table and started to write on it, this time he knew the right words he wanted to say.

 

Dear Cas,

Merry Christmas my baby, I miss you so much, I miss everything, waking up to see you there restful and calm right beside me, making the best of our free time together as we could. But in general I miss you, I know I repeat that with every letter I write for you but there are just some feelings that never die out.

There is something different however, for once I actually feel that you are somewhere better, it still kills me that you are not around and that we won’t see each other for some  
time now, but the thing is, I know that when that day comes it will have all been worth it.

Waiting, praying to you every day, I know that the moment I see you by the beach again we will tire of screaming out how much we love each other, and the thought of that makes me smile like you haven’t an idea.

If that wasn’t enough to make me happy, sweet little Abby’s worst first were your name, your name Cas do who any idea how happy that makes me, it makes me feel a warmth I hadn’t felt for a while ever since you.

Overall this Christmas was amazing and I can’t thank Sam and Jess enough for always being by my side, in fact, I’ve decided to repay them and maybe in some way make you be at peace, I have decided that it is time for me to seek help, actual psychological help.

Your memory is not a burden on me, I am a burden to myself, making the stupidest of mistakes that could harm my brother, almost the same stupid mistakes that made me harm you, I’m sorry.

I want to be at peace with myself, win races again and feel the complete excitement it had always brought to me, dedicate my future victories to you, like I always did, I’ll win these races for you babe, I promise.

Anyways Cas, I hope you had a beautiful Christmas wherever you are, heck maybe you’re with god and Elvis is singing his heart out for everyone up there, I can’t imagine how happy you must be.

From now on that is the thought that will reign in my mind, the thoughts of you being happy, that way I know I will always be happy.

I love you, I will always love you.

Sincerely,  
Dean.

P.s. I’m sorry for trying

 

May 11th 2026 Present day

“I’m sorry for trying?” Ashley repeated, she was just as confused as Jo was, but they both knew that it meant something important, if it didn’t then why would Dean even bother to apologize about it? 

“I barely slept last night trying to figure out what it meant, I tried checking in the rest of the letters but he never repeats any of that, in fact he never mentions anything particular like being sorry for something he tried to do, except for this letter.

“Well do you think he tried leaving your Granduncle Sam and his family? What if he tried bailing on them thinking that he was harming them, just like when he thought he was hurting Castiel.” 

Ashley did make a valid point, in his first letters Grandpa Dean would apologize constantly for leaving him when things started to get rough, maybe he had tried that again only this time he had tried to leave his own brother.

“I don’t know” Jo responded, “it’s just something more, I can feel it.”

“What else could he have tried to do that he now regrets?” Ashley asked, she suddenly looked up at Jo, her eyes full of fear, as if what she was about to say was the foulest thing ever. 

“You don’t think your Grandpa Dean tried to kill himself, right?”

Jo looked at her in horror, how could Ashley even think of something so crazy, her grandpa Dean would never have tried that, he had always told them that life was worth living, that there were so many things to enjoy about it, honestly a man that says those things would never try to kill himself.

But then again, that man would have had to go through these kinds of things in order to be able to guide others, and he did once say in one of his letters how he had considered meeting up with Cas.

“I just don’t want to believe that something like that could be true.” Jo said, things like these always made her feel horrible inside, the more secrets she unburied the more it hurts.

Ashley hugged her best friend she knew how stressed she felt, after all, it seemed like every time they had answers of some sort something new always came up. But then again they hadn’t really dug that deep into this whole situation. She wishes Ashley never knew about it, in many ways it hurt them both.

“Listen I know it sounds rough and honestly it is, but maybe you should ask your Granduncle Sam. He might be sincere of you ask him directly, listen it’s all in the past and things turned out fine, but if you want straight answers maybe you should ask him.”

Ashley then handed her phone to Jo, her eyes looking as sincere and honest as always, Jo thought about it and eventually thought Ashley was right she needed to know, and maybe Sam was the only person to know about it.

She knew their number by heart, as she started dialing it she couldn’t help but feel a bit restless, almost as if she was going too far with this, but she needed answers, not just for her but for her grandpa.

The phone rang, but no one would answer, Jo immediately figured that they were out in their backyard and if this was true they wouldn’t be answering all day. Jo let out a sigh of frustration, why was the world conspiring against her?

“They won’t answer” she told Ashley, “we either go to their house to interrogate personally or we wait until the afternoon shifts in.”

“Wait go now? As in, instead of going to class?” 

Jo knew it was a bad idea, but despite their recent days of distraction the two girls had the best grades in the school and they never missed a single class, so one day wouldn’t hurt.

“Are you with me?” she asked Ashley who instantly agreed, she was on board with this mission.

“Operation Destiel Reunite is onboard.” She screamed happily, Jo laughed and hugged her tightly she was really lucky for having Ashley.

“Fine but there is one problem.” Jo said changing moods. “They live in Escondido and that’s like an hour from here.”

Ashley knew it was too good to be true but she instantly had the answer, “Rich” she said out loud.

“What are you talking about?”

“We can call Rich and he can give us a ride, I mean we both know he’s got feelings for you and I doubt he didn’t give you his number.”

Jo was completely red, damn Ashley was one hell of a blabber mouth, but she was actually right Richard had given Jo his phone number and it would be nice to see him again, but she was still embarrassed about the idea.

“I don’t think he can, I mean he has to go to school too, plus he already flunked a year so” 

Before she could finish Ashley shushed her, “Ok listen we both know that the cute 19 year old likes you so we know he will do this for us, for you, plus this is about Destiel and he showed quite a lot of interest on this theme the day we told him everything.”

Ashley did make a good point, Jo thought, so without hesitation she dialed his number, she had already memorized it but never actually called.

“Hello?”

“Hey rich it’s me Jo”

“Hey what’s up?”

“Um, listen I need to ask for a favor”

20 minutes later Rich’s truck pulled over on the drive way near the school, he got out of the car and greeted both of the girls, he was happy to see them, especially Jo.

“Ok girls, climb aboard we’ve got a long and probably fun day ahead of us.”

On the way there Jo explained everything, her dreams, the letter and Ashley’s thought on Dean trying to commit suicide. 

“I’m sorry but I might actually agree with Ashley on this one” He told Jo, “You did say he once mentioned considering it, now imagine the holidays near and having to remember your lost one, the person who completed you, heck I wouldn’t really be surprised.”

Jo was starting to fixate that idea into her head, they were right, maybe grandpa Dean had tried, but he didn’t succeed and he actually learned from that, heck he told Cas that he was starting to understand things, maybe he had an epiphany.

About 40 minutes later they had arrived at granduncle Sam’s house, and Jo entered through the side door which led to the backyard, as she had predicted Jess and Sam were there. 

Jo, Ashley and Rich stopped for a moment and observed the beautiful scene; Sam and Jess were both sitting on rocking chairs, and while Jess picked through the flowers in her hand, Sam read her favorite book “The perfume by Patrick Suskind” on top of all that they were holding hands, rocking side by side neither of them ever stopped smiling.

Jo headed back outside, Richard and Ashley followed her instantly.

“Hey Jo is everything ok?” Richard asked her, he was worried about her.

“Jo?” Ashley approached her friend and was a bit scared as to why Jo ran off like that.

Jo turned around to face them she had tears in her eyes, “Sorry it’s just that scene was beautiful and yet here I am bringing out my imaginary problems to the rest of the world, I mean Ashley you said it before it’s in the past, it’s gone now my grandpa Dean moved on he found my grandma Lisa he loved her till his last days, he loved Castiel too, I get all that.”

“Then what’s troubling you?” asked a voice from behind, it was Sam he was standing there, apparently he noticed the kids leaving the backyard and deciding to head on and see what had happened.

Once inside Jo was a bit more calmed down, she was still shivering a bit but it was nothing to worry. Jess brought out some tea for the teens and as she sat down she kindly started speaking.

“Yes sweetie indeed your grandpa Dean tried to kill himself.” This woman did not plan on hesitating she went directly to the point.

“Of course we were never going to tell you kids something like that, and let me tell you why, as you may have read from the letter, Dean finally had opened his eyes, after attempting to kill himself he found out why he was still living.”

Sam approached Jess and held her hand she looked up and smiled at him.

“It was because of you wasn’t it, because he understood you were important to him and that he could never leave your side or harm you in that way” Rich answered

“Exactly Richard” Jess said, she smiled at him and Ashley then Sam directly to Jo, “You see Jo they’re called secrets for a reason but not all of them hide tragedies, some hide marvelous experiences that change a person life, from that day on Dean was sometimes feeling sad but he knew he was never lonely. Because his angel Castiel, was now watching over him.”

Jo knew they were telling the truth and she was happy about, but now she had to come clean and tell them what this was all about, it was no longer about finding out secrets it was about having Dean reunite with Cas in heaven, my god she sounded crazy.

She explained everything to them, hoping that they wouldn’t think she had completely lost her mind, after she was finished explaining her Dreams and her visit to Rachel’s home she waited to listen what they had to say.

“Well that’s a lot to take in” Sam said, “Jo when did you start having these dreams?”

“Practically a few days after I found the letters, it’s as if they triggered something in my mind” she said.

“Well it’s not unheard of” Jess interrupted “some people believe that ghost and entities hold on to memories and objects, if what you’re saying is true then maybe Castiel is trying to reach for you.”

“Sweetie please don’t tell me you’re being serious” Sam said as soon as she finished speaking, it did sound a bit ridiculous to him, but then again this whole century had been ridiculous.

“It could happen, plus maybe like you say Dean is the one who can’t rest maybe something or someone is holding him back.”

“Someone?” Jo asked “You mean like he could be tied here for not doing something or not saying something to someone before parting?”

“Well yes, things like that do tend to happen, and I may know what hold him back.”

“What is it?” All the teens asked nervously, this was starting to get to all of them and they were eager to know.

“Dean never told Lisa about his love for Castiel” Sam answered.

Everyone was suddenly startled this, it was something they all kind of knew for obvious reason but neither of them thought this was holing Dean back, avoiding him to go to heaven and meet up with Castiel.

Jo thanked her granduncles, so did Ashley and Rich, once outside and in the truck, Richard asked them if they wanted to get a bite before heading home, the girls agreed.

They headed down to a bar and ordered some hamburgers, once there Rich couldn’t resist and asked Jo what she planned on doing next.

“Honestly I don’t know, I mean I can’t go on directly to my grandmother and say, ‘hey did you ever know anything about grandpa’s true love, you know, guy who wasn’t you’ can I?”

“Well no, but you did say yourself that you wanted your Grandpa Dean to reunite with Castiel didn’t you?” Richard said.

Ashley then spoke up, “What if that’s the problem, he’s not at peace not only because of the love of his life Castiel but also because of his love for Lisa, maybe he feels like he is somehow betraying her, betraying his children. No one except his brother and his family knew about, now You, Rich and I know the truth, but if we think about it, his sons don’t know and neither does his wife.”

Jo and Rich were impressed; Ashley might have just made the most valid point they had heard in a while. Jo thought about how she would ask Grandma Lisa, if she would ask about it, but for now she wanted them to enjoy their burgers at peace.

It actually turned out to be a great day, after they ate their hamburgers they went to the state fair for a while and had a blast, but eventually they had to go home, mainly because according to their parents they were at school.

Rich dropped off Ashley first who kissed Rich goodbye on the cheek and thanked him, she was really starting to like this guy especially if her best friend had a crush on him.

On the way to her home, Jo asked Rich what she should do, Richard told her to do what her heart told her to, to follow her gut.

She said goodbye to him, and once again kissed him on the cheek, she really wanted to kiss him on the lips but both of them decided it wasn’t the best for now.

Once inside she greeted her mom and asked where Grandma Lisa was, her mom told her she was with some friends and that they would pick her up in the evening.

Jo headed to her room and decided to distract herself by finishing her homework, thankfully another friend of hers sent her an email with all the work they did today, thank you internet.

Evening arrived sooner than expected and Jo heard when her grandma Lisa was in the living room, Jo headed downstairs and to her surprise she was alone. She sat down next to her as she watched an old series something called Friends, it was actually quite funny.

The commercial break came on, and Jo felt completely nervous, she was either gonna do something completely stupid or she would actually find out something she didn’t know.

She faced her grandma timidly and decided to speak, nervous and all.

“Hey Grandma Lisa, can I ask you something?”

“Why of course dear what do you want to know?”


	6. A double date about 40 years apart

Jo lied restless on the bed, in her hand was a sheet of paper, a recipe actually, she had backed off from asking any questions and at the heat of the moment asked her grandma the recipe for her delicious Chicken Raviolis instead. Not a total lost if you think clearly about it.

Now she had to create a plan to find out what Grandma Lisa knew about Castiel, but at the same time she felt like she was betraying her, she can’t imagine the kind of pain she would be causing Lisa, a month ago her husband died, the man she had shared her life with was gone, and suddenly her granddaughter was going to ask if she knew about her husband’s love for another man. 

Crap, she would definitely be the worst grandchild in the history of grandchildren, and Grandma Lisa didn’t deserve that, she was an amazing woman and there was a reason Dean gave love a second chance with her. 

In fact, there were probably many reasons, she got up and opened the drawer reached for the letters and started checking them out, she finally found the one, the one where Dean mentioned asking Lisa out finally. Finally?

It was obvious that Lisa was the person to make Dean fall in love again, but she wondered if it had been an easy task or if it was a long process in the making, she even wondered if it had been love at first sight. Well clearly anything could happen. But why did it take Dean so long to ask her out?

October 12th 1984 

Dean was heading for his last appointment at the clinic center, he had made almost two years of professional therapy and his therapist said he no longer needed to attend. He felt radiant, he was finally getting the courage to do new things, he started going out with friends, hanging by bars, adventuring and attending little Abby’s school events.

Sam had never seen Dean be so optimistic; even on Castiel’s death anniversary he was slightly sad but always confident that when the day came he would see Castiel again, hug him, kiss him and be by his side forever.  
Practically a gust of hope and happiness had blown away that heavy cloud that was bugging both the Winchesters for the past couple of years, it seemed they could just relax from this point on.

The only thing Dean still wasn’t getting a hang of was dating again, as surprising as it may sound he hadn’t been with a single person since Cas, he was never really interested, he only had eyes for Cas and well Dean understood that maybe it was time to try it out again. 

His therapist Pamela greeted him happily arms wide open practically, knowing today was the last day she would be seeing Dean as a patient.

When Dean came to first visit her he was an actual mess, speaking of Castiel and how he wished he could see him again, but at the same time he came out as an inspiring man, taking on everyone who dared hex his love for Castiel defending when necessary, that’s the kind of love you can’t just imagine happening that simply.

“So Dean, tell me, how are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling great, like I can take on the world this very instant” he chuckled

“I’m glad for you Dean I really am” she smiled sincerely “almost two years ago you were here because you found yourself in an advance state of depression, tell me Dean how do feel now.”

“Honestly I’ve never felt better; my feelings go on every day reflecting this strange ray of happiness I haven’t felt in years.”

“You mean not since Castiel?”

“Yeah I mean, I always felt ridiculous, like I was some kind of idiot for falling in love almost instantly for someone, but there was something about him that just drove me mad, you know?”

Pamela smiled, there was that genuine Dean, the one whose feelings may have been confusing and at times stressful but always headed in the right direction. 

 

“So today is the last time we see each other, do you have anything to discuss, maybe something still troubles you?”

“Well, there may be one thing…” 

“What is that Dean?”

“I’ve been considering dating again, but I’m afraid I’m a freaking mess at it now.”

“Why is that Dean? Why do you feel that you’d be a mess at it?”

Dean was a bit ashamed to confess that he had not been intimate with absolutely anyone for over a decade, he had not even thought of sleeping with anyone else when he left Cas, he still loved him throughout all that.

“You see when I left Cas because I thought I was hurting him I kind of didn’t want to meet anyone else and since then I have not dated or have been, you know in the sack with anyone.”

Pamela looked down at him curiously, as if Dean was some weird species of human not yet discovered, maybe not all men waited on the person they loved like Dean did.

“Dean, of course it’s going to be a hard road, but you have to understand that the decision of going out and dating again is already a big step, you just have to show confidence in yourself and eventually you’ll get there.”

Dean sighed, he knew that Pamela was right but he still wasn’t one hundred percent sure where he was going with this.

The hour had passed, he got up and hugged Pamela, she was an amazing therapist and he hoped to see her soon, just not in therapy anymore.

As he left, Kevin, an intern in the hospital asked him if they would meet up later, Dean gladly said yes, he was gonna need all the help he could get if he were to date again.

Kevin was an awesome kid, he was very young, 22, but he was almost out of graduating medical school, maybe it was that particular fact that made Dean like this kid, though he could be one hell of a smart ass.

Kevin gave Dean a goodbye hug, “You better not come back here anytime soon” he said cheerfully, Dean just laughed and agreed as he finally left the clinic. 

As he walked outside of the clinic, Dean could feel a calm breeze surrounding him, he was feeling very confident as if he was ready for anything life could throw at him. In fact he was hoping life would throw many challenges as it could because he was ready.

He was eager to go see Sam, it was time to tell him the good news, bur first there was somewhere he needed to be.

He headed towards the parking lot where his brand new 67 Chevy impala awaited, he had bought it with the money from the races he had won and boy was he proud of his baby, more than that something about the car just made him understand that new times were up ahead.

He started driving towards the cemetery, he was eager to tell Cas the good news, as soon as he arrived he couldn´t help but smile like a dork because of what he saw. 

The grave was fully covered head to toe with lilies, which meant Rachel had visited Castiel earlier, she always took Lilies to Castiel´s grave, and they were after all his favorite.

“Hey Cas, guess what? I finally finished therapy!” He laughed at himself, the excitement in his voice was like that of a five year old when unwrapping Christmas presents, but he had all the right to be this way he was on a new chapter in life.

“Honestly I feel amazing, that emptiness that grew in me when you left, is still there but now it´s filled with hope, not with despair or sadness. I feel like I can do anything, win any race and even challenge a bull,” His smile was wide but he started to get a bit of a serious tone.

 

“I´ve been thinking about dating again, I feel like it´s time to take that big step once more, I don´t want you to feel like I´m forgetting about you, you will always be my baby and I will always love…..”

Dean was starting to mumble and started to get real nervous, when suddenly a light gust of wind blew in his direction, a small, gentle & comforting breeze swooped by him, and strangely enough he felted calm.

His eyes were teary, Cas was ok with it, he was certain of that. “I love you” he whispered.

May 13th 2026 Present Day

“So how are things going with your grandma?” Ashley asked as they headed into school.

“It’s been two days and I still can´t get the courage to ask her anything, plus Grandpa´s letter don´t reveal her actually knowing.” Jo responded

“What do they say?” 

“Grandpa tells Cas that he finally got the courage to ask her out but there is nothing on him telling her anything”

“What if he didn´t write it down but still told her, you hadn´t thought of that had you?”

Jo gave Ashley a bitchy look, she hated to admit it but maybe Ashley was completely right, damn she wishes she had the courage to ask Lisa, but everything was not going as planned.

Again the afternoon spun back and Ashley and Jo were walking home, Jo was bragging about her new phone arriving tomorrow morning, it was a brand new Android Phone with an integrated 19 megapixels camera, and boy was Jo going to show it off.

“Well at least now you and Richard can actually text instead of making it uncomfortable for all of us” Ashley said with sass.

Jo´s face turned red, she knew Ashley was right, though that didn´t make the idea any less nerve wrecking.

“So, I´m curious to know, has he asked you out yet?”

“Well, no. You see we haven´t really discussed any of that, besides our mission right now is to get my Grandpa Dean back together with Castiel in heaven, no matter how crazy it all sounds.”

Ashley suddenly had an idea in her head, though not precisely to help out with Destiel, but to help out with Richanna. She would need to work on that name later, but for now she was getting mischievous. 

The very next morning Jo´s cellphone arrived, she was so happy she instantly called Ashley to tell her the good news.

“My new phone is here!” 

“Yeah I could tell after not recognizing the number, congratulations”

“I was thinking about calling Richard, do you think it´s a good idea?”

“No, not yet, wait a while before telling him anything” Ashley was holding in the excitement, her plan was commencing.

“Ok, thanks Ashley, I honestly don´t know what I would do without you, see you in class, bye”

“Goodbye” 

As soon as Jo hung up, Ashley raced to send a message, a text message to Richard. 

The day went on normally, Jo wouldn´t stop bragging about her new phone and Ashley would bug her whenever she did. They had a normal day and everything went on with no surprises, that is, until it was time to go home.

While they were on their way, Jo got a call, it was from Richard! 

“How did he even get my number?!” she asked shocked, she was so nervous and didn´t know what to do.

“I don´t know, answer him!” Ashley said excitedly

Jo took a deep breath, answered the phone and started talking

“Hello?”

“Hey there Jo, it’s me Rich”

“Richard, how have you been? What a surprise”

“I´m fine thanks, listen I know you´ve been stressed out about the whole situation with Dean and Castiel…”

She interrupted him “Destiel, according to Ashley”

Richard laughed; he really loved how spontaneous she could be. 

“Ok well I think you need to stop worrying about… Destiel, how about I take you out tomorrow night I know about this place that makes the best burgers in town.”

Jo didn´t know what to answer she was so nervous she looked over at Ashley, who was just containing her excitement.

“What do I tell him?” she whispered enthusiastically.

“Yes, the answer is yes!”

“Uh yeah sure, I´d love that!”

“Great I´ll pick you up at seven, that ok for you?” Rich asked

“Yeah, sevens perfect”

“Awesome, well can’t wait, see you then.”

Jo hung up the phone and glared directly at Ashley, her face was full of guilt and happiness.

“You didn’t, did you?” Jo asked

Ashley couldn’t contain her excitement anymore, “I did!!”

Jo hugged her tightly, “Thanks!”

Suddenly it was as if an arrow of realization hit Jo, she knocked some sense into herself.

“Ashley, we’re both grounded, my parents are not gonna let me go out, especially since we agreed on two weeks and it’s only been 4 days.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll fix it, and I have an idea, it’s crazy but it might just work.”

“We’re not tricking our parents” Jo insisted immediately.

“Please, like your dad never tricked his parents so he could go out.”

Jo just smirked and headed to her home after saying goodbye to Ashley.

She hoped this crazy idea did worked.

October 13th 1984

It was a lovely Thursday, and Dean was preparing some breakfast before heading off to work when his phone rang.

“Hello, this is Dean.”

“Hey Dean it’s me Kevin”

“Kev, what’s up?”

“Listen man I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or anything, but I know that you’re trying to date again”

Dean felt a bit nervous, why would that have to make him uncomfortable unless Kevin had done something stupid.

“I’m fine Kevin, what do you want to tell me?”

“Well I have this friend whom you might be interested in meeting, his name’s Benny and he’s a really awesome guy and-“

“He’s a he?!” Dean asked a bit exasperated, for some reason this idea made him cringe a bit.

“Well yeah, I mean you are into guys right?”

“Well yeah it’s just I was thinking about maybe trying my luck with the ladies again.”

“Come on Dean you just try it out, ok?”

“Fine Kevin, when will I meet him?”

“On Saturday, I have decided to cancel on you, so you two can meet.”

“Kevin you did what?!”

“You’ll thank me later, I need to go, I’ll call later to tell you the details, bye.”

Kevin hung up rapidly before Dean could even protest or digest what had happened.

He was not expecting for his first date to be another dude, he wasn’t even sure what was going on, maybe confessing his interest in guys to Kevin was a bad idea.

He was so nervous he decided to call Sam.

Within minutes Sam was laughing super hard on the other line.

“Dammit Sammy it’s not that funny!”

“I’m sorry man it’s just, this is too hysterical.” Sam was practically losing his breath he handed the phone to Jess who just smiled.

“Dean sweetie, it’s me Jess, tell me what’s going on?”

“My friend Kevin arranged me a date with another guy and I don’t know if I can go through this.”

“Ok calm down listen, I know it scares the crap out of you, but this is an opportunity, you can’t just keep waiting and letting time go by. I mean, you were willing to do this eventually right?”

“Yeah I guess so.”

“Go on that date Dean, if it sucks, well then you’ll gain experience for the future.”

Sam was still laughing on the other line with his sweet little Abby in his arms. Jess deciding he deserved a little punishment for what he did. 

“Sam will go visit you before the date to make sure you’re ok.”

“I’m gonna what?” Sam said in protest.

“Go visit your brother before his date” Her tone sounded harsh, even Dean was scared.

Jess returned to her call with Dean, “sweetie everything will be just fine, don’t worry about anything, good luck.”

“Thanks Jess, my knuckle headed brother is lucky to have you.”

“I know Dean” she smirked.

May 15th 2026 Present Day

Jo woke up from another dream with Castiel, she was fully smiling what he had said had actually cheered her up in ways no one could imagine.

“If he takes you out for a milkshake then it’s gonna be a really good date, and if he takes you there instead of taking you home like he offered then it’s gonna be even better, that’s how your grandpa asked me out.”

She laughed it out, imagining her Grandpa Dean actually taking Castiel on a date instead of taking him home like he had promised. He was crazy and she loved him for it.

Now the nerves began, it was 9 am and in less than 10 hours Richard would be expecting to pick her up so they could go on… their first date.

Not only was she nervous about the date, but also because of Ashley’s “brilliant” plan to help Jo leave the house without her parents noticing.

It was completely a stupid plan, but a plan none the less; she was going to pretend to be Jo so her parents didn’t know she was gone, yes indeed that was the plan. Honestly what could go wrong?

She got up and headed to the kitchen, the idea was to make sure no one noticed anything odd in her, she would say she needed to study so she would stay in her room all day, and then when the time came Ashley would sneak into her room up the tree and through the roof, the same way Jo would get out of the house. It was fool proof.

The hours passed on and it was time to get ready, she headed for a quick shower 

She had never actually worried about what clothes she wore or the type of makeup she applied, but this time she was wreck, she would put on a blouse and think it was too simple, or too colorful, too serious, man she was being a nut job. When she finally finished dressing she had to decide what makeup to wear and that was gonna be another problem.   
Thankfully at that precise moment Ashley entered through the window and saw the mess that Jo was.

“Ashley thank god you’re here!”

October 15th 1984

Sam had just arrived to Dean’s apartment, in about an hour Dean was going to head off to his first date in almost 10 years. Once he entered the room he found Dean had made a complete mess out of the closet, he then saw Dean trying out different shirts, the sight made him laugh.

“Look at you all nervous for your big date” he said laughing out loud as he watched his brother become a mess.

“Dammit Sammy it’s not funny.”

“Dean I think you need to calm down, I get it, this is your first date in a very long time but you don’t have to be all freaked out about it ok?”

“Thanks man but it’s easier said than done.”

Sam stood by Dean; he placed his hand on his shoulder and gripped tight.

“Dean it’s going to be ok.”

“Thanks Sammy.”

Dean hugged his brother, he was glad he was here.

 

“Ok tell me, where are you two going?” Sam ask intrigued 

“Well Kevin said Benny was a beer and burger type of guy like me, so I’m taking him to a bar on Colorado Drive, but first I’m gonna go pick him up.”

Sam couldn’t contain the laughter, even in the way he spoke Dean expelled pure nervousness, this was really putting him on the edge.

“Ok listen just be calm, be yourself, try to enjoy it. Ok?”

“Ok Sammy I will.”

“You got condoms right?”

“What the fudge dude, how can you even think that, it’s a first date ok?”

“Dude, you’re telling me you didn’t try to sleep with Castiel on your first date?”

“Hey don’t be disrespectful.” Dean took a deep breath “Well maybe at first I thought about it, but the more time I spent with him that night after I took him for a milkshake all I wanted to do was hug him, have him in my arms.”

Dean couldn’t avoid a shy smile; that had been the best date of his life.

Sam smiled as he watched his brother trail off, Cas was an amazing guy and only he knew how to make Dean go all sappy, even if it was at the sight of his memory. Sam missed Castiel too, he wished he was here, making Dean truly happy again.

“Listen to me Dean, Cas would’ve wanted you to go on, so you go meet this guy give love a new opportunity.”

Dean was ready, he knew his brother would help him through this, it was time.

He hugged Sam one last time and then headed to the impala.

 

***Jo, 2026***

A car pulled up on the other side of the street, Jo looked out her window and of course it was Rich right on time. She was completely nervous, she didn’t remember the last time someone asked her out, or if anyone had for that matter. 

Ashley had already put on some of Jo’s clothes; everything was going as planned and now Jo was going to have an awesome date.

Jo wore a gray and blue blouse and blue Jeans along with some Converse sneakers, she was wearing something simple because wearing heels and stuff would probably make it much more difficult to go down the tree in her front yard.

She hugged Ashley, and within seconds was out the window, crossing the roof was super easy, it rarely made noise so walking fast across it wasn’t a problem, but now came the fun part.

She couldn’t imagine how the hell Ashley got from the tree to the roof, but now she was determined to do so, slow and steady she started down the tree within minutes she was on ground. 

She walked through the shadows across the yard and then instantly ran to the truck. 

“Well that was something entertaining to watch” Rich said with a smile on his face as he opened the door for Jo.

“Hi to you too” Jo answered.

“So, still grounded?”

“Something like that.”

“Well you can tell me the story when we get to our date.”

Jo blushed, she wasn’t as nervous as she was earlier but still she felt shy.

Richard looked very handsome; he was wearing white Hensley shirt and dark jeans along with brown boots. Jo got a bit distracted with his looks when he made her snap out of it.

“You look beautiful” he said shyly

“Thank you, you look very handsome.”

Richard was actually blushing, but before Jo could tease him with that he told her to put her seatbelt on.

“Well let’s get going.”

***Dean 1984***

Dean was headed to pick up his date, he wore denim Jeans and a red plaited shirt along with his boots, he was nervous as hell but was determined to do this.

A few minutes later he pulled up and waited outside on parking space outside of some apartments, then suddenly he saw Kevin wave at him. It was show time.

He got out of the car and headed towards Kevin, as he approached another figure stood next to Kevin, it was a man about his size, but he really couldn’t distinguish him that well.

Once he caught to them he was able to distinguish the guy, and he had to admit, he was handsome.

He was somewhat muscular about Dean’s height and he had a very sexy beard. His eyes were blue, something that instantly caught Dean’s attention.

“Hey Kevin” Dean said.

“Hey man what’s up, I’d like you to meet my friend...”

“Hey there, name’s Benny Lafitte.” He interrupted as he reached his hand out to Dean.

Dean just stared for a moment, he was really more nervous than he thought.

“Come on man, don’t leave me hanging I ain’t gonna hurt you.” He said laughing.

Dean shook his hand, Benny had a tight grip.

“Dean Winchester.”

“So, I’m gonna leave you two, have a great evening.” Kevin said smirking as he left them both.

Dean gave him a little cry for help look, but Kevin just smiled.

“So, do we take my truck or your car?” Benny asked.

“Let’s go in my car, after all I am here to pick you up.” Dean tried to say as calmly as he could.

“Well how generous of you.”

They were on their way, Dean felt really nervous but had come to the conclusion that Benny was ok, at least from what he had seen so far.

“So Benny, what do you do for a living?” Dean asked trying to make small talk.

“Well I work at a small little diner, it’s a family business actually.”

“Sounds delicious”

***Jo 2026***

They arrived at a place called Bob’s BBQ, Rich got out of the truck first then he opened the door for Jo.

“Wow, such a gentleman.” She said teasingly

“I try my best.”

They headed into the diner, Richard opened the door, he was doing basically everything he knew about chivalry, and he really wanted to impress Jo.

Once they sat down, a waitress came by to take her order, both decided to get their famous jalapeno double steak burgers, and while they waited they started chatting.

“So how have you been lately, you know, about Destiel” he said the name mockingly.

“Hey I didn’t choose the name, Ashley did. I’m a bit ok with it, I uh have been speaking with Castiel..”

“What? As in, talking to him face to face?” 

“Well not exactly, you see it’s like he speaks with his mind. He gestures and smiles but he never moves his mouth, I know it sounds crazy.”

“It’s not crazy; it actually shows how much you care about them.”

Jo couldn’t believe how much she was blushing, but as much as she tried to calm down a bit, she couldn’t help fall for those blue eyes that observed her.

***Dean 1984***

Dean and Benny arrived at the Pennington’s bar, he had shaken off most of his nervousness on the way, Benny was an ok guy and he was real fun.

As soon as they sat the waitress came by to ask their order.

“Welcome to the Pennington’s bar, my name is Lisa and I will be your waitress, what would you like to order?”

“We’ll take two of your finest Bacon barbecued grill cheeseburger please.” Dean responded

“And to drink”

“Beer”

Benny started small talking just like Dean had in the car.

“So Dean tell me, how’d you end up in California?”

“Well my… my husband was ill and I came to be with him.”

“Did he die?”

Dean didn’t answer instead he focused on the table, not wanting to see Benny for a moment.

“Hey man listen I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.” Benny said

“No, it ok, yes I lost him, but he’s in a better place now you know.”

Benny smiled and changed the subject, he started asking Dean about his races and Dean would respond almost enthusiastically. Finally their Beers and burgers came.

They ate and drank and kept talking, for a first date it really wasn’t that bad.

Dean was actually enjoying himself.

“Anyway that’s how I ended up joining the army” Dean finished.

“I can’t imagine just how horrible that must have been.”

“Well it did suck, I lost my brother, well not biological, but he grew on me you know?”

Dean brought out the medallion, he had worn it ever since, as a symbol of who he was, unchanging, the same Dean that loved his family and his Castiel.

“He gave me this before dying; you can’t believe the horrible things war brings with itself.”

“I can imagine” Benny said.

Dean just slightly smirked, he was already a bit drunk but decided to order some more beer and of course, pie.

***Jo 2026***

Jo was having an amazing night, Richard was a real gentleman and the hamburgers at the place were awesome She couldn’t remember the last time she had tried something that delicious.

They had normal conversations about their aspirations in life, who they wanted to be and what they wanted to do. Jo was surprised with Richard wanting to become a mechanic.

“I know it doesn’t seem like something great or money making but, it’s my passion you know? I just love cars and fixing them up.”

“My grandpa Dean would’ve adored you, he had a 67 Chevy Impala and he took care of it like it was his child.”

Richard just kept on laughing, he liked seeing Jo smile, every chance he had he would focus on her beautiful green eyes, they were astonishing.

“So tell me Jo, why as I really that big of a douchebag when we met?”

Jo giggled “Yeah you were sort of an ass but”

“I can’t get over the fact that Ashley actually said that to me, she can be fierce.”

“You’re telling me, I once saw her beat up an 18 year old when we were still in middle school.”

“Amazing!”

“Yeah she’s awesome.”

They laughed it out, really having a wonderful time.

They had finished their food and Rich suggested they took a walk on the pier, to his luck Jo accepted.

Once out of the diner they headed towards the truck, Richard kept on using his chivalry tactics to impress Jo, they were off to the pier. 

It was a really beautiful night, and the moon was shining like they had never seen, Jo loved imagining that the moon was following the truck as they headed towards the pier, it was indeed a beautiful night.

To their advantage the pier was lonely, so they could run and scream as freely as they wished. They chase each other and ran off to the beach where Jo started throwing sand at Richard. 

They were truly enjoying everything, this moment, it was perfect.

Jo noticed that Richard’s eyes looked even more beautiful in the moonlight and to Rich, Jo’s eyes shined more than he had ever seen them shine before.

He got to close to her, she got close to him, both of their eyes sealed on each other’s, silent with no other sound but that of the waves crashing at the shore, as they reached both for a kiss.

***Dean 1984***

After a delicious slice of pie, Dean asked Benny where he wanted to go next, but Benny was a bit concerned because Dean seemed a bit drunk and he didn’t want him to be in an accident or anything.

“I’m thinkin’ you could take me home because you’re drunk Dean.”

“What! No man I’m fine, come on let’s get to know each other better, I know let’s go for a nightly walk.”

“Ok let’s go leave the Impala at my place, and then we can take a walk at the small valley near the apartments.” Benny suggested 

“Sounds like a plan.”

Once arriving at Benny’s they got out of the car, but before they could have their walk Benny wanted to get something from his apartment.

Dean waited for him impatiently , and then almost instantly decided to head into Benny’s apartment when he got in he found Benny changing his shirt, it had been stained with mustard at the bar.

Dean couldn’t look away, Benny had muscle and some sort of a beer belly popping out, but none the less, he was a muscular type. 

“You ok Dean?” Benny asked the moment he saw Dean’s fixate in him. 

“Yeah I’m fine dude.”

“Ok let’s head off.” Benny put on another shirt and was headed to the door when Dean stopped him.

“Dean, what’s going …”

Before he could even finish his sentence Dean locked his lips onto Benny’s, he was drunk that was for sure and for that matter he was completely turned on.

They kissed so passionately, gasping for air in between, Dean loved the taste of Benny’s lips, he couldn’t control himself anymore, he wanted, he needed to take off Benny’s clothes.

As the kiss kept on going Dean parted form Benny’s lips and started lowering down his neck, sucking on his skin, making sure he had found that sensitive spot that made Benny moan with such excitement.

He tugged onto Benny’s shirt making it clear that he wanted it off, he wanted to take it all off.

Benny reciprocated instantly tugging on the buttons on Dean’s shirt, within seconds he had unbuttoned him completely, then he took off the shirt and threw it to the ground.

Benny lowered himself, kissing Dean’s exposed torso as he went down, sucking on the man’s muscled chest with such enthusiasm that made Dean let out such loud moans.

“Come on boy, let’s go to my bed.” Benny said as he reached in for another kiss at Dean’s lips.

He took Dean’s hand and took him straight into his bedroom lying Dean on the bed and returning to suck on his chest.

***Jo 2026***

Jo tugged onto Richard’s shirt, they both moaned in satisfaction as they molded their bodies into the truck’s seats. She pushed deeper into the kiss, he moaned with such eagerness as she removed his shirt.

For a moment they separated gasping for air, Jo watched those blue eyes shining through the darkness watching her, tempting her.

She removed her blouse slowly, teasing bit by bit, playing slowly with the fabric, finally removing it.

Rich kissed the area in between her breasts turning her on even more, he caressed her body so gently that she felt the warmth of his hands gliding up and down making her feel complete and making her so wet.

She pulled him in for a kiss on his neck and in the heat of the tipped him over, she found herself on top of him, sucking on his fingers as he moaned, gentle touching his body, exploring every inch of skin she felt. 

“You’re so beautiful.” He said in between moans, that face of pleasure he emanated made Jo’s excitement grow.

As she leaned in to kiss him Richards hands tugged on her hair, pulling her in the rights spots that made her feel warm.

His hands reached for her bra strap, in a matter of seconds he had already unstrapped it and carefully removed it from her. 

His thumbs gliding across her beautiful face, and her vivid green eyes locked on him like no others.  
She got slightly up, while Rich bit into her skin, starting at her neck gently lowering to her breasts, nuzzling at the tip of her nipples biting them, inciting Jo’s moans and screams.

***Dean 1984***

Benny kept on pulling himself down Dean’s body, kissing and licking it along the way.

His stopped shortly after reaching his belly button, his teeth bit into the soft spot underneath it while his hands played with his ass.

He tugged at Dean’s Jeans unbuttoning them and pulling them right off.

Gazing relentlessly at his white boxers and that massive hard on which marked through them.

Dean could feel Benny’s lips playfully teasing his erection over the silk of his boxers, his pre cum had already wetted them and Benny’s playfulness made them even wetter.

Benny lowered Dean’s boxers, his hand got a hold if his cock as he gently stroke it, the pleasure coming from Dean’s words made him stroke faster.

His thumb played with the pre cum on the tip and spread it over the rest of his hardness; he slowly introduced it into his mouth until it was all in.

Dean hadn’t felt this way in so many years, he had missed out on sex and boy did it ever feel so right.

His hand locked on benny’s head, fist clenched into his hair, forcibly pushing him down as he exhales being turned on every time he goes up and down.

Benny swallowed so enthusiastically, the taste of Dean’s dick is so pleasant; he enjoys every part of it.

Dean pulled him up so he could kiss him while Benny’s hand still gripped Dean’s cock tightly. 

Dean tipped him over, it was his turn to enjoy Benny’s body.

***Jo 2026***

Richard started kissing downwards Jo’s body, she shivered at stroke of Rich’s lips kissing her skin, he took off her Jeans and sneakers.

“Your skin is so soft.” He whispered to her.

He kissed the inside of her thighs, so gently yet rough at the same time, teasing as he lowered himself to kiss in between her legs.

She felt so safe, so warm. She wanted to be his but at the same time was afraid.

“Wait!” she frenetically paused him.

“What’s wrong?” he was confused

She seemed a bit ashamed and wasn’t speaking at first, then she faced him her face completely red as in embarrassment.

“Richard, I’m still a virgin.” She said nervously almost like it was some type of a crime.

He just smiled at her, Richard loved the type of innocence she could unveil when she was truly herself, he hugged her so tightly.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to feel ashamed of anything.”

He pressed his lips against hers, then he handed her clothes.

“Come on get dressed, we can still enjoy the rest of the beach.”

His blue eyes glowed with kindness, Jo felt safe, she felt warm and a different type of love she had never experienced.

Once she had finished getting dress she took his hand, they both headed into the calm water barefoot, enjoying the waves crashing at their feet.

She watched the moon, it shined as bright as ever, and it had been a magical evening that it made her wish it never had to end.

But honestly, who said it did?

Darn these Novaks, they had something, something so special that made them unique and it wasn’t just their shining blue yes, it was something more.

Grandpa Dean had a perfect type, just like she did now.

***Dean 1984***

Dean threw Benny onto the bed facing him as he started to slowly introduce his hard cock inside him.

Benny placed Dean’s fingers into his mouth as Dean slowly started to penetrate him.

He was completely on fire, his dick clenching the inside of Benny, pounding him against the sheets of his bed.

First slowly then rapidly, every time enjoying more and more of it.

The screams and moans filled in the apartment; they were so loud, not willing to stop until they were both satisfied.

“Harder Dean harder!” Benny screamed in excitement as Dean went faster.

Dean lowered his head to bite down Benny’s nipples, they were so hard just like his were.

His hands played roughly with Benny’s dick, stroking ever so fast.

“Geeze Dean, I’m gonna...” the words fainted as he came all over his torso, relentlessly letting out a loud moan of pleasure.

Dean didn’t stop, he went on faster and faster, pounding and moaning.

“Oh god!” he kept on repeating, his cock was hurting anxious to blow its load into Benny.

Finally! He had cum completely inside him, he hadn’t cum in a very long time, and it just felt so god, so right.

He basically let himself drop over Benny’s body, both of panting so hard that neither wanted to really move.

“That was amazing Dean” Benny said breathless

“I know Cas I...”

Holy crap! Did he really just say Cas’ name?

He glanced up at Benny and instantly apologized.

“Look man I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“Dean, listen to me man it’s ok, I know you still miss the guy and well, being celibate for over 4 years must have been hard.”

Dean felt so ashamed, he had never said another person’s name in bed, but then again he hadn’t been in bed with anyone for years.

He left the room and entered the bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror so disgusted about what he was thinking. Did he actually fantasize about Castiel while having sex with Benny?

Maybe it would always be like this, he could not clearly forget him. He finally convinced himself to get out of the bathroom and head to Benny’s room.

Once there he sat on the edge and started to formulate his apology.

Benny reached out to him while he was distracted and placed a soft gentle kiss on his lips.

“Listen I’m glad you could get on with it, hell I enjoyed this despite what you just said. But honestly you’re not ready to go dates on with another guy, let alone actually be with any other.”

Benny’s words sounded harsh but Dean knew they were true, he got dressed quickly and said goodbye to Benny still embarrassed about what had happened.

Benny stopped him and once again kissed him on the lips.

“I figure you might need one last man kiss before you move on with that.”

Dean just chuckled, Benny was a cool guy and maybe it would’ve worked out, but for now that seemed like a hard possibility.

***Jo 2026***

It was nearly midnight, Rich parked in front of Jo’s house, she looked at him smiling and he returned the gesture.

“Thank you for everything” Jo said “It was a beautiful night.”

“I hope we can do that again.”

“I’m sure we will soon.”

“Promise?”

“I promise” she places a small kiss on his lips, “See you then.”

The way back inside the house was easier than Jo had thought, she knocked on her window to wake up Ashley.

When Ashley woke she practically ran to the window letting her in.

“Hey, how’d it go?”

“It was just… wonderful.”


	7. When Dating Gets A New Meaning

October 21st 1984

Dean parked the Impala outside of the Pennington’s Bar, it had taken him almost a week to get over the whole Benny situation, that plus the fact that he was constantly apologizing to Castiel for all that had happened. A mixture of prayers and penance with no beer or speaking with Sam for a week to get over the fact that he felt he had cheated on his husband, it may have sounded ridiculous, but to Dean it was an actual matter of importance, Cas had been dead for more than 3 years but that didn’t mean Dean could just go on sleeping with anyone. He would forever respect Castiel, for he was his husband and he loved him.

Anyhow Kevin had already been in charge of scolding Dean for what happened with Benny, although Benny told him everything was ok, Kevin didn’t think so of it, he made sure Dean felt sorry.

“Seriously Dean, you sleep with the guy and mention your dead husband while at it!? Do you honestly have any idea how messed up that is!?”

Dean laughed as he remembered, it was embarrassing yet slightly hysterical as well, Kevin was completely furious, although he eventually came around to it and stopped bugging Dean with it.

It was already a thing of the past and Dean was over it now, so now he could come back to the Pennington’s bar for a nice burger, plus he was dying to try another slice of that delicious pie from the other night.

As he entered the bar, he couldn’t help let out a smile, true, it had been a complete disaster of a date but it had been really fun, for once he had enjoyed himself, in more ways than one. 

Dean’s daydreaming came to an end when the waitress interrupted him, asking what he would like. Dean instantly recognized her from the other night, honestly no one forgets that pretty face.

“Hey there Lisa” He said politely.

“Hey Dean, didn’t recognize you there. How’ve you been?”

“Well work’s a bitch but I gotta pay the bills.”

Lisa laughed, she had a really beautiful smile and a very bright personality, it was stunning in many ways, like that innocent smile that children give out when blushing.

“So, where’s your buddy?” She asked.

“What buddy?”

“You know the guy you were here with the other night.”

“Oh, Benny yeah, he’s a work pal and he had to do overtime today.”

“He seems like a sweet guy.”

“Yeah” Dean snorted.

Dean looked up and caught Lisa looking at him, it was like they were playing a staring contest and for a moment they didn’t say anything. She just smiled at him, reaching in her waitress uniform to get a pen out and write on her notebook.

“So, what will it be today Mr..?”

Lisa was taunting him in some way, and Dean liked it, this girl had sass.

“Winchester, Dean Winchester, and you may be..?”

“Braeden, Lisa Braeden” 

“Well Ms. Braeden, please bring me your best cheeseburger, some ground coffee and a slice of your finest apple pie.”

“Coming right up Mr. Winchester.”

She smiled at him as she directed herself to the kitchen, Dean couldn’t help but stare as she left, he remembered there small conversation from the other night. Dean practically told her to marry him because the pie was the best thing ever. For a moment he was pretty sure she would instantly forget who he was.

After a scarce 5 minutes Lisa was back with his order and a note although she said nothing of it, she just left and told him to enjoy his meal, with a small wink in between words.

Dean read it out in his mind, it was a phone number, HER phone number!!

The next ten minutes were a mix of hell and heaven combined, for instance he liked the fact of a girl taking the first move on giving out her phone number, practically asking him out. But for that matter he was completely nervous, that rarely happens, heck back in the day when he still slept with women he wouldn’t even ask for a number, it was straight to business. 

Then again his old life had meant nothing anymore after meeting Cas, that’s probably why this made him nervous. Add that to the fact that he had recently had his disaster date with Benny less than a week ago.

Once finished his meal, he paid and tipped Lisa before excusing himself, as he headed out the door he waved at Lisa, who waved back and winked at him making him gulp and feeling really weird.

Half an hour later he was bitching about his problems to Jess, again! Sam was seriously gonna lose it, first his date with Benny, whom Kevin was nice enough to tell Sam how it went, and now this. Seriously if Jess wouldn’t have been there to make him be serious he would of already ranted Dean over it and be rolling on the floor laughing.

“Sam, enough ok?” Jess said to him before he could even let out a small smirk.

“Sorry.” He said like a little boy who had just been scolded.

“Ok here’s what’s gonna happen, you are going to play hard-to-get.” Jess told Dean with a mischievous smile.

“Wait, I’m gonna do what?” Dean asked, strangely intrigued.

“You are not going to call her, at least not yet.”

“Jess I don’t even know if I want to try dating again, the last time kind of didn’t go as planned, remember?”

“Yeah but we now understand, you dating guys isn’t happening anytime soon.”

The rest of that strange conversation was a mixture of Sam’s laughs and Jess’ scolding accompanied from her tips to get the girl, which Dean still didn’t know if he wanted to get.

**3 days later**

After a long weekend of considering things out, looking out all the possibilities and asking himself if he was ready, Dean headed to the bar once more, he felt determined to ask Lisa out personally, because he couldn’t remember the last time he’d done that on a phone.

“Ms. Braeden!” He cheered out nicely as she approached.

“Mr. Winchester” she responded.

Dean noticed an array of madness in her voice, she was probably expecting Dean to ask her out on that weekend, but of course Dean had to listen to Jess’ plan, he really needed to start thinking for himself.

Great! Now Dean felt like a complete idiot, Lisa must probably think that he’s a complete douche and she might just be right. 

But then again, he’s Dean Winchester, guys and girls had fallen to his feet before, heck he’d lost count of how many girls he’d slept with through high school. He had to play cool and act normal, just like in old times.

“Hey I um, lost your number and couldn’t really call you through the weekend, plus my bro Sammy wasn’t feeling ok, so I’m truly sorry if you were expecting my call.”

Damn, lying didn’t feel as good as it used to, he had finally gone soft. Thanks a lot Cas! 

“That or you were simply playing hard-to-get.” Lisa smirked.

Oh crap, abort plan! This woman wasn’t your typical easy girl, she wasn’t gonna fall for any simple excuses from anyone.

He began to mumble out gibberish, not knowing what to respond or how to apologize.

“Dean calm down, I get it I’m a strong woman and I can come off as intimidating” she said playfully.

Both of them just laughed at the incident. In a way they might have been both using their own strategies to lure the other, and that was something that Dean liked.

Dean was just about to finally ask her out, when a little boy entered running through the Bar’s entrance and hugged Lisa’s leg.

“Mommy!” he yelled cheerfully

Mommy? What was going on?

A man followed from the entrance, a biker, he wore a leather jacket, denim pants and black boots. His face covered in tattoos and scars, just your typical biker in the 80’s.

“Hey Lis, here’s the kid.” 

“Thanks Hank, I couldn’t thank you enough, the babysitter cancelled on me last minute.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be heading off, take care you two.”

She gave him a kiss on the cheek, and then he hugged the little boy before heading out as they both waved goodbye.

Dean seriously didn’t understand what was going on, he had just stood there in between all of that and was in a mild shock. He knew he had ultimately gone soft when he considered the kid to be adorable.

“Anyway, Ben this is my friend Dean, say hi.” Lisa said, breaking the silence. 

“Hello Dean.” Ben said reaching out his hand.

“Hey buddy.”

After shaking his hand with him he cleared his throat and excused himself, saying that he was late for his job and that he had to go immediately. He waved goodbye at both of them and then headed for the car, finally letting his head fall on the steering wheel once he was inside.

“A kid? She has a kid?”

Dammit, were things ever going to be on his side, or was he destined to not be happy anymore?

“Dammit Cas why did you have to go?” he finally said, leaving out a loud sigh before turning on the car.

**Another 3 days later** 

One wouldn’t believe the things that had happened to Dean throughout the week, he found one of his favorite pictures of Cas under his bed and practically on top of it was the note that had Lisa’s number written on it, plus on Wednesday he had overheard a conversation between two guys and one of them literally screamed out “Dude call Lisa already!”. What was going on with the world?

It was clear that destiny (and Castiel) really wanted him to ask Lisa out, so he had to listen to the signs and suck up his pride. No more cold feet. Dean had come to the conclusion that a child was no problem and he was going to ask Lisa out. 

He headed towards the bar, once Lisa arrived to his table she greeted and they started having a short conversation before she decided to take his order. 

“So what will Mr. Winchester be looking forward to having today?”

“An answer, a possible yes.”

“That depends, what is the question?”

“Would you like to go on a date with me?”

She let out a small smirk and a bit of a laugh that really wasn’t soothing for Dean.

“Has playing hard to get not given you the results you desired?” she said cockily.

“Ok I clearly deserved that, but I want to make it up to you. When are you free?”

She smiled so delicately, very delicately that it made Dean shiver, as if whatever she answered would change Dean’s way of looking at things forever.

“Tomorrow Friday I’m not working.”

“Well then I guess I’ll pick you up on tomorrow. Would be so kind as to writing down your address for me?”

She brought out her notebook and pen, writing the address down and handing it over to him. He immediately clenched on to that piece of paper, somehow knowing that this moment and that note read a huge change in his life, as if it were to completely make things better for Dean. Silly yes, but he hadn’t been wrong about that sensation the first time he saw Castiel, every sense he had told him it would be life changing, and it had been, it had been the best freaking experience ever.

As he headed to his apartment he couldn’t help but think of Ellen’s bar, ordering a pair of milkshakes for him and Castiel, it was those types of memories that made his day better. 

He wasn’t gonna mess up this time, and he was sure as hell not gonna end up sleeping with Lisa, besides the idea of her having a kid was a complete boner kill.

He didn’t know what else to do the rest of that day but thankfully Sam called later in the afternoon, asked him if he could take care of Abby because he was going to some kind of meeting for lawyers. Dean accepted without a doubt, he loved spending time with his niece, especially now that she started making conversation and running around the house.

By six in the afternoon he was already outside of Sam’s house, he knocked on their door and within seconds heard Abby yelling “Uncle Dean’s here!”

Sam opened the door and she practically ran to Dean’s arms.

“Hey there sweet Abby! How’s my big girl doing?”

“I’m great uncle Dean.”

She led him inside practically pulling him in; Dean hugged his brother and then he hugged Jess.

“So Dean, how’s playing hard to get working out for you?” Sam asked sarcastic yet amused to know the answer.

“Let’s just say I’m gonna be busy tomorrow night.”

Sam let out a laugh, even he didn’t think Dean would go through it, but he was wrong.

“Ok, stop you two!” Jess yelled from inside her kitchen. “Now we will be back by twelve, so you know the drill Dean, Abby must be in bed by eight and she can’t oversleep or have any sweets.”

“Jess, I know the drill, go have a boring time at your lawyer’s convention, and Sam, no having too much fun.”

“Ha-Ha hysterical, Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

“Enough you two.” Jess headed to Abby and hugged her, “Goodbye sweetie, have fun with uncle Dean.”

“I will mommy.”

Sam was next to hug her goodbye, “Be good kiddo.”

“Yes daddy.”

Dean accompanied them outside and stayed at the front yard. He held Abby as they both waved goodbye to Sam and Jess, once they were out of site they both ran into the house and Dean automatically brought the ice cream out of the fridge.

“I know your mommy said no ice cream, but kids need nutrients to grow, and milk has lots of them, and ice cream is made of milk, so it’s obvious that this is very healthy.”

Abby was laughing at Dean’s logic, she loved having her uncle Dean over, especially ever since he started telling her those magical stories of the man who fell in love with the angel named Castiel.

Dean turned on the television, he and Abby sat down to enjoy some afternoon cartoons while chugging down their bowls of ice cream.

When that was over Abby asked Dean to tell her a story, she was so energetic from the amount of ice cream she had eaten that it was obvious she wouldn’t take no for an answer, so Dean said yes.

In these stories, a man who was also named Dean had fallen in love with an angel named Castiel, which meant, angel of Thursday (Cas himself had once explained that one to Dean).

To Abby it was a beautiful story, expect for the moment when Dean lost Castiel as he left to heaven, it made Abby sad, they both loved each other very much, why did he have to leave? Anyways, despite all that, the story is truly magical and beautiful.

Dean began to tell his “Story”

“Ok, so Dean has finally started to meet new people, he was very nervous at first because he thought it would be wrong to fall in love again, because he still loves Castiel.”

“But Dean isn’t doing anything wrong, he’ll always love Castiel, but now Castiel’s in heaven so Dean can’t just stay lonely.”

Dean just laughed at her response and decided to keep on going with his tory

“I know sweetie, but guess what?”

“What uncle Dean?”

“Castiel gave Dean his permission to fall in love again.”

“How did he do that?”

“The powers of heaven sweetie, they work in ways we don’t know.”

“Wow”

“In fact, maybe Dean should write a letter thanking Castiel and telling him that he just met someone who he’s taking out a date. What do you think?”

“Yes, Dean should write that letter, and we should help him.”

She ran into her room, rushing faster than she ever really does for anything like her homework, thing is she enjoys writing down letters for Castiel, it makes her feel happy. Plus it also makes uncle Dean happy, although sometimes she has seen him cry but doesn’t understand why that is. 

She ran out of the room, paper and pencil in hand, instantly handing it over to Dean, who picked her up and sat her on his lap before writing the date, October 27th 1984

Dear Castiel,

Hey baby, I’ve been missing like crazy as always, I hope everything’s awesome in heaven, you must be listening to Elvis all day, lucky boy. Meanwhile we here on earth have to suffer all this new music that’s replacing the classics. This girl Madonna is completely whipping out good music from the radio she’s practically ruining the future for my little Abby.

But anyways, I finally got the courage to ask Lisa out, well she practically made me, she’s a really smart woman and in many ways she reminds me of you. She’s intelligent and has a way of speaking and acting that just makes you pay attention to her. I bet she probably thinks she’s boring too, just like you used to think back when we first met. 

I’ve been really happy lately despite all that’s happened, because now I feel like I’m giving life a whole new meaning, and it doesn’t mean I having to move on from you. It’s strangely all the opposite, I hurts that your gone my sweet angel, but truth is I now understand you wish for me to move on.

I’m scared as fuck for trying to do this, but I’m also decided to try it out. There is no room for anyone trying to replace you anytime soon, you will always be the first love of my life. It may sound weird that I’m saying this like I’m already getting married, but truth be told, the last time I ever felt something like was when I met you. 

How’s that possible, I don’t know. But I don’t need to know it Cas, that was one a of the greatest things about loving you, I didn’t have understand most of the things you made me feel, I just felt them and you were the reason for it. That’s all I actually ever had to understand.

And that’s one of the things I feel with Lisa, it’s that strange feeling that I had with you, telling me that I need to know more about her, that I may have to take her out on a date without her even knowing, just I once did years ago.

I have no idea what the future has I store, but maybe that would ruin the surprises. I love you my sweet angel and I will forever hold you in my thoughts.

Always missing you,

Dean

Abby smiled at Dean as he read her the letter, of course not mentioning the cuss words, to her this was a beautiful story, and the way it made her uncle Dean smile just made her feel fuzzy and warm inside. As if the story was real, but she knew angels and humans didn’t mix.

Dean glanced down at her as she led out a yawn, he just smiled and decided to carry her to bed. While tucking her in she said her prayers, Dean was surprised with the words she was pronouncing. They don’t say that children are smart for nothing. 

“And please god, take care of Castiel in heaven and watch over Dean as he falls in love again.”

She was a completely smart kid, of course her parents were freakin geniuses so it was obvious the kid wasn’t gonna be your typical glue eating child. It made Dean happy how smart and beautiful little Abby could be and that the fact that even though she thought of it as a story, she was still praying for Castiel, just as he had been doing for some time now. Soon she was asleep and Dean headed to the living room while whispering good night to his sweet niece.

He shifted to the couch, sitting down as the silence roamed the room; there was a moment of meditation going on in Dean’s head, thinking ahead as to what his first date with Lisa will be. He sure as hell won’t mess this one up, but at the same time he fears he won’t know what to do you with everything that’s going on with her. Mostly meaning he doesn’t know what’s going to happen with this situation involving her kid. Sure, a few days ago he had manage to convince himself that a child was no problem, but saying and doing were two completely different things. He didn’t just have to tell himself that Ben wasn’t going to be a problem to him, he had to prove it to himself, and the only way to do that was to take Lisa out and bring Ben with them.

The next morning Dean woke up with a strange feeling surrounding him, as if today marked a new era in everything he had ever experienced, of course he had already been feeling this for days to come but now that it was here it scared him.

He went to work and acted as normal as he could, part of him wishing the day didn’t go on as fast as it did. Yep, Dean found himself to be a complete wreck; dating Benny hadn’t made him feel this much of a mess. And to be honest he didn’t get what was making him tick this way, it felt stupid to try to say it was the fact of Lisa’s kid, but deep down Dean knew that it wasn’t really a problem.

As soon as his shift ended he headed home to shower, the nerves were still invading him, but he knew that at this point it was inevitable to back down. He was a man who kept his promises.

Within an hour he was all washed up and on the road towards Lisa’s house, in his mind he kept on repeating to himself what he would say to her, how he would tell her to allow Ben to come with them. It seemed easy at first, but he eventually started having his doubts about it being a good idea. By around six he was already arriving to her drive way.

As he approached her front door he hesitated a moment, the nervousness showed in his shaky hand as he rang the doorbell. Ben opened the door, he face maintaining seriousness as he saw Dean and told him to enter.

“Hey buddy, how are you?”

“Good, you’re Dean right?”

“That’s right I’m Dean, I’m your mommy’s friend from the other day.”

Ben didn’t answer, he just stared at Dean for a few moments until they both heard Lisa talking to someone.

“Brenda this is my night off! I don’t care if she wants to go on a date, I’m going on a date of my own for Pete’s sake!”

Dean and Ben just stared at her until she sighed and agreed on something with the person on the other side of the line, finally hanging up. She probably didn’t even notice Dean already arrived so he cleared his throat to announce his arrival, it did startle Lisa a bit.

“Dean!” she exclaimed as ran to hug him, he gave her a rose, he had bought it on the way and thought maybe she’d like.

“Thank you Dean, it’s beautiful. This is gonna make what I’m about to say even harder.”

Dean had already guessed what she was going to say, still he had been a bit pessimistic about everything up until this point, so maybe he was wrong.

“That was my coworker Brenda, another waitress asked for the night off, and since its Friday it’s a really busy night so they need all the help they can get. This means I’m going to have to cancel our date.”

“Well, that was unexpected.” He tried to show little disappointment and actually laughed at the incident like it was no big deal.

“And to top it all the babysitter just canceled so I’m gonna have to take Ben with me.”

“Hey how bout I take care of Ben so you don’t stress yourself.”

And out of the blue Dean just spit out the first thing that had come to mind, he didn’t even think he was playing things out anymore, he had just had an impulse and now was gonna have to go with it.

“Are you sure, I mean I don’t want to take advantage of you or anything.”

“Lisa, I’m sure. You’ve already had enough to deal with for one night, and it serves I get to know the little guy better.”

 

Seriously, what the hell was going on with him tonight? First he’s struggling over whether or not inviting Ben along would even be a good idea, and now he practically jumps at the first opportunity to babysit him.

“Dean, you’re a life saver, thank you so much! Don’t worry I won’t take long, it’s a short shift”

She kissed him on the cheek and then walked over to Ben.

“Sweetie, mommy has to work tonight and Becky can’t babysit so my good friend Dean is going to take care of you. Can you promise me you’ll behave?”

The boy nodded with a tone of seriousness in his face, almost like he didn’t really trust Dean, then again maybe Dean didn’t trust Ben either.

Within minutes, Lisa was strapping on her waitress uniform and heading to her car, she waved goodbye at both Dean and Ben. Both of them just waving goodbye without even facing each other, only paying their attention to Lisa as she heads off. Finally out of sight Dean faces Ben.

“So tell me buddy, what do you wanna do first?”

Ben just shrugged and headed inside, it was clear that Dean had his work cut out for him, and tonight wasn’t going to be an easy one.

Ben turned on the television, he sat quietly on the couch just staring at the cartoons and pretending not to hear Dean’s attempt at small talk, which didn’t even make sense. Dean found himself trying to explain Tom & Jerry to Ben, he instantly shut up when he realized Ben was ignoring him plus turning the volume up on the television. 

Dean headed to the bathroom which wasn’t hard to find, these California houses aren’t that complicated he thought, his silent thoughts were interrupted when he heard clashing in the kitchen. He zipped his pants as fast as he could and stormed out.

Ben had somehow managed to drop every single pot and pan from the top shelves of the kitchen, how he did that was something Dean couldn’t even figure out. He just watched as Ben got up and headed into the living room as if nothing had even happened, leaving Dean with a whole mess to clean.

He calmed down, his head was crazy try to tell him that Ben had done this on purpose, no child is ever that evil. Sure enough little Sammy had been a rascal when he was growing up, but Dean handled him like a professional and he was going to do the same with Ben.

As soon as he cleared the kitchen floor and put every pot and pan back to its place, he washed up the mess on the floor, leftover raviolis, and went to keep an eye on little Ben. Sure enough the kid had done it again, all the walls in the living room had been drawn on and as expected Ben was still doodling when Dean caught him.

How was it even possible for one kid to make this whole mess? Dean was now starting to be thankful that Abby wasn’t a mischievous creature, because it was clear that little ol’ Ben was.

The rest of night practically went on in that same manner, Ben made a mess and as soon as Dean cleaned it up he would go make another one. It was clear Ben didn’t want to be anywhere near Dean, and of course the feeling was mutual but he was gonna do this for Lisa, which was still something that was baffling him for some odd reason.

Another half an hour of spilled milk and flying toys through the room made Dean almost lose his senses, it was clear that this kid was about having to deal with 6 childhood Sam’s, and even he wasn’t prepared for that. 

By around ten, Ben was still not willing to go to sleep, and he made his point clear when he decided to put the television on at full volume. They were putting on an Elvis special, and Ben was clearly excited as Aloha Hoi started playing, he sang along at full volume and was surprised to find Dean joining him from over the couch, lying restless, obviously giving up.

Something in the way he sang called Ben’s attention, he wasn’t that bad at it, but it was more than that, it was true emotion.

“You like Elvis?” he asked shyly, finally speaking to Dean in almost the entire night.

“Are you kidding me? I love Elvis, he’s the king.”

Ben found himself heading towards Dean and sitting next to him on the couch, in a matter moments Ben actually found interest in what Dean had to say.

“He is! My favorite song is Aloha Hoi, which is your favorite Elvis song?”

“Can’t helping in love with you.”

“Really? And why is it that one?”

“It’s a rocking love song, and love songs are usually the best damn thing there is.”

“Have you ever been in love?”

Dean’s smile widened, there was no more room in his heart for hurt, and maybe Ben was there to remind him that, he quickly cleared his throat so he could respond.

“Yes, I have. And really it’s an awesome feeling, love is something I guess we all should look forward to don’t you?”

Ben didn’t answer he just smiled, as if every issue he had gone through with Dean the last 4 hours had meant nothing anymore, he found Dean trustworthy. His good taste in music was a clear sign of that. 

“So besides Elvis what else do you listen to?”

“I listen to anything that isn’t this new pop crap.” Dammit for a moment he wasn’t sure if Ben could understand those words yet.

“I know, I hate Madonna!”

Dean couldn’t hold his smile, it seemed like he had made a new friend, and what cool new friend. They spent the next hour talking on and on about Elvis, The Beatles, The Doors and practically every awesome band that they both liked, it went on until both of them were fast asleep.

It was about two in the morning when Lisa arrived home, she rushed in hoping Dean wasn’t too mad for taking almost 8 hours to finish her “short night shift”, but what she saw once she entered the room completely melted her heart. Dean ad Ben were both sleeping on the couch, Ben tugged in one of Dean’s arms, sound asleep and snuggled up, he had never let himself be held by anyone that wasn’t Lisa and now all of a sudden, he was safe and tucked in between Dean’s arms.

She took the opportunity to take a picture, the flash startled Dean who instantly woke up.

“Oh my god Dean I’m so sorry, I was taking a picture because you looked so cute holding Ben that I couldn’t resist.”

Dean just chuckled, he got up carefully and decided to carry Ben in his arms taking him to his bed, Lisa followed and felt such warmth as Dean tucked him in, and wished him goodnight. Then he closed the door behind him and ended up facing Lisa and playing that weird staring contest they began at the bar.

“Can I see the picture, Ms. Braeden?” he teased at her for a while before she finally accepted.

Dean couldn’t help but smile like an idiot, he looked like an actual father hugging his child. What he was about to ask next, wasn’t an impulse but an actual wish, something he desired with all his heart. 

“Hey Lisa, would you mind if I kept this picture?”

“That depends, first I need an answer, hopefully it’s a yes.”

“And what may the question to that yes be?”

“Would you agree to go on a date with me and Ben tomorrow night?”

“I would love nothing more than that.”

Lisa gave Dean a sweet kiss on the cheek, he blushed like a teenage girl. He finally said his goodbyes as he headed towards the door and outside to his car.

Once inside the impala and out of Lisa’s view, Dean finally understood the reason he was completely nervous about going through with this, it was because he knows Lisa is the one, she’s so beautiful and Ben is an amazing kid. And although he knows Cas is ok with it, he can’t help but think that this new step will involve that moment when he tells Lisa he loves her and in some way he will always think part of him will be definitely moving on from Cas. 

He brought out his wallet in which he held his picture of Castiel, next to it he placed the one Lisa took of him holding Ben, in a sheer moment of happiness Dean let out a soft tear, he had already thought of it before, in his heart there was no longer space for hurt, it was about letting life in. Still holding a place in his heart for Castiel, always holding that special place inside him, yet at the same time knowing he must now make room for a new love, a new beginning.

He looked up, almost as if trying to reach heaven, exhaling softly and taking deep breaths before he could even formulate what he was about to say.

“Cas, baby I love you. Don’t ever believe I’ve stopped loving you ok? This is a new step in my life I’m sure of that, but that doesn’t mean I’m saying I’m gonna forget you baby, that’s never gonna happen…”

The words cut off as the wind filled the impala, a sweet scent, one he had once before sniffed the moment he told Castiel he was ready to date.

“I’ll always love you.”

May 17th 2026

Monday again, Jo hadn’t expected the week to go as fast as it did; her face still glowed with happiness about her date with Rich. Although part of her was still a bit embarrassed about the whole sex incident, but she knew that wouldn’t be an issue, she could trust Richard.

She allowed herself into the kitchen after getting ready, her grandma Lisa and little Jake were already sitting on the table enjoying some French toast and watching a cartoon on the television. 

“Good morning everyone!” she said with a sweet smile on her face.

“Mornin” Jake responded

“Good morning dear” grandma Lisa said without losing focus on the cartoon.

Jo sat at the table next to them, her plan was still in progress; in order for her to find out what grandma Lisa knew about Castiel, she had to be subtle and make short but concise remarks on his name. 

“So, I have a new classmate in school.” Jo began

“Really dear, that’s good, is your new classmate a boy or girl?” Lisa asked

“A boy, he’s very sweet and has cute blue eyes.”

“What’s his name?” little Jake asked.

“Castile or Casteel it was something like that.”

“Isn’t that a name from the bible or somewhere?” Grandma Lisa asked, thinking for a moment and finally remembering, “Wait it is, Castiel, the angel of Thursday.”

“That’s the name, but no, it’s actually more a common name than you think. In fact, it has been for many years now.” Jo responded. 

“I’ve never heard it elsewhere sweet heart.”

Jo’s plan took a complete turn, it was clear the name had not even ringed a bell in her grandma’s memory, so that was a complete bust.

Her mom entered the kitchen just as they were talking. 

“Ok kiddos, time to go to school. Say goodbye to grandma.”

“Bye grandma.” Jake ran and hugged her before heading to his room for his backpack.

“Goodbye grandma, have a good day. Don’t stress yourself, I love you.” Jo kissed her on the cheek, and then headed outside to the car, still mildly disappointed.

“I’ll be back in half an hour Lisa, don’t go outside because I left the sprinklers on.” Erica told her as she headed out.

“I promise I won’t Dear, take your time and head off carefully.”

Erica smiled back and waved goodbye as Jake ran through and headed to the door. 

The house was silent once everyone had left, Lisa got up and left her dishes in the sink, she then headed upstairs, making memory of where her son had left many of the things they brought from her old home. She finally remembered they were stored in the attic.

Slow and steady wins the race. Lisa finally arrived all the way up, she looked through her things, trophies, pictures, her children´s clothes and so many memories stood before her. Within a few minutes she had found what she was looking for, hidden underneath a few photo frames, just like she had hid them years ago. 

It probably was for the best to hide these items, at some point she would have loved to share them with Dean, maybe even with the rest of the family, but that day never arrived so she never felt like it was ever important, that is until today.

Three envelopes, each one older than the other but all possessing really important letters, one written by Dean and the other two written by Lisa herself. The two that were by Lisa had important matters on them, one was written for Dean and the other for someone whom she thought she´d never hear from again.

She then proceeded to her room finding the picture Dean had given her before his death. 

The memory flashed back into her mind, the day she lost her husband and the words he pronounced to her, “I will never regret going for a burger at the Pennington’s bar, babysitting Ben, nor going for our first date as a family, they’re some of the best memories I will always hold.” All she did was sigh, the man she once loved was gone, but he wasn’t alone, she knew in heaven he was with whom he belonged. And for that she really couldn’t help but smile, Dean had given her so much that he deserved happiness. 

Back at her at high school Jo caught up with Ashley, who instantly asked how things with Grandma Lisa were going; she got the answer instantly with Jo’s long sigh.

“It was a dead end, apparently the only time she’s even heard that name is because she says it’s in the bible, the angel of Thursday.”

“Well stressing over that was a complete bust.”

“I know! But maybe there is something she knew, not specifically Castiel’s name or who he was, but something like a memory, maybe grandpa Dean mourned him and told her that he was a friend, something.”

“You mean maybe he tried explaining but never actually got to telling her.”

“Exactly!”

“Well you have your work cut out for you. If the name doesn’t ring a bell, then it’s practically obvious your grandpa never mentioned anything. Didn’t your granduncle Sam say that she never even knew about them?”

Jo had completely forgotten about that, nothing was going as planned, all of this was just a complete dead end, she knew it could’ve always been but she was trying to be naïve about it.

She had so many mixed feelings throughout that day, fury, sadness, deception and hurt. And as much as Ashley tried to help her get through it, she really wasn’t in the mood, she knows that there’s something there that no one’s telling her, she knows it’s not possible grandpa Dean forgot mentioning Castiel, the first love of his life, to his new life love.

She had gotten to the conclusion that if she wanted things to be done she would have to tell grandma Lisa directly, no hesitation and knowing that the consequences might be painful, they had been so far, for Gabriel, Rachel and her granduncles.

Once she arrived home, she found her grandma in the living room just sitting without even watching the television, suspiciously silent like she had been waiting for Jo throughout the whole day, and apparently that was the case, Lisa’s face lit up for a moment but instantly went back to that seriousness that had greeted Jo as she walked in.

“Hey grandma!” Jo tried saying enthusiastically.

“Sweetheart, take a seat.”

Jo stared for a while then sat down nervously, what was going on and why did grandma change her tone all of a sudden? It sounded harsh, almost hurt, yet it was as if she needed to take something off her chest, a burden on could say.

Lisa got up and handed her something, an envelope, a really old envelope, within was a letter maybe written about 30 years ago or way more from the yellowness of the page.

Jo didn’t understand what was going on, and the face on her grandma didn’t help ease that unsettling feeling that now surrounded her.

“I need you to read this out loud darling.” 

Jo unfolded the old envelope and brought the letter out, it reeked of a smell that probably came from many years of humidity and being kept inside without being read for a long period of time.

She decided to read, though she still didn’t understand anything, and truthfully she felt like she would either regret reading it or that it would be something she really needed to know. 

She paused even before beginning, she may have expected a lot of crazy things to go on throughout that day, but she was never prepared for what she ended up seeing, especially after reading the first sentence quietly.

“Grandma, how did you..?”

“Read my dear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!! Thanks so much for those of you who keep reading my fic. I hope you had an awesome christmas and I wish you all a happy new year :)  
> P.s Chapter 8 will be uploaded by mid January  
> Thanks for the support!!


	8. Emending Memories

Jo was on the edge of having a panic attack, her breathing was uneasy, suddenly nothing made sense anymore, and she was shaking for that matter, but she kept control and started to read, the date marked February 3rd 1994

Dear Castiel,

Hi there my name is Lisa, you probably already know due to the fact that I’m married to Dean, I know this sounds weird and crazy, and believe me I didn’t know what to think at first, the fact that my husband was once in love with another man surely shocked me in the beginning but as I read more and more of Dean’s letter I understood how genuine and how marvelous that love was, and I’m sorry it ended how it did. 

I don’t know how I would’ve responded to my husband telling me directly that he was once in love to another man, I mean seriously as I write this down part of me still doesn’t grasp it completely, but you know, none of that matters.

In more than one way you brought Dean into my life, I know that, and I thank you for it Castiel, you’re probably mad because Dean never told us the whole deal about you, but I really hope you can forgive him, he’s an amazing man and part of me understands why he wouldn’t want to mention anything, it’s a new life a new beginning and not everyone would’ve understood that. 

But I want you to know that as long as Dean and I live, your memory will never be forgotten, I now know who you are and believe me you are the reason Dean is the man he is today, so again I thank you.

I just want you to know today is my 10 year anniversary, it has been an amazing ten years and even in between the best time of our lives I know that April 17th has always marked a hurtful day for Dean, he never really explained why, but now I can comprehend so many things, you died on that Thursday specifically and he instantly wrote his first letter towards less than a week later.

I always repeat to myself that life is a unique experience that always works out, but it wasn’t until I read these letters that I realized it’s never really the case. Although part of me still believes that you will someday find each other, it sounds crazy and I honestly understand but, I love him and I know he loves me yet, he hasn’t stopped loving you.

Honestly I don’t even know what I’m saying or writing anymore, but throughout all these things that have happened, I want to thank you again Castiel, for taking care of him, for making him the man that he is today, a loving father and husband. And don’t ever feel sad about it, you two are destined to meet again, I can assure you that.

Thank you again.

With love,

Lisa

Jo had to hold back the tears, she now knew nothing, and everything she had known and seen had instantly died out. Granduncle Sam was sure Grandpa Dean never told Grandma Lisa anything, and in the letter she tells Castiel that indeed he never said a word, yet she found out.

She realized she was paralyzed and not moving being watched by her grandma, she took a deep breath and was ready for whatever was about to happen, because this was important.

“Grandma how did you find out about Castiel, and were you even sure I knew?”

“A grandmother is always aware of these things, that summed up to the fact that you and that Ashley friend of yours aren’t really that quiet when it comes to designing plans to get out information out of the Novak family.”

“You heard that?”

“I may be old Jo, but I’m still widely aware of many things.”

“So, if grandpa never told you, then how did you find out?” 

Lisa stared at the window for a few moments, she let out the smallest hints of what seemed to be a smile, as if the memory that pondered in her head was a treasured one. 

“I was cleaning Dean’s trophies one afternoon and found them inside one, curiosity got the best of me and I read them. At first I wasn’t even sure how to react, but as the day went by I found myself understanding so many things and I felt that I was lucky for having him in my life. Now how did you find out about him Jo?”

“The day we went to clean your old house, I found that the top of what was probably the same trophy was kept shut so I decided to open it up, since then everything has changed, nothing makes sense anymore and I don’t what to even think, plus the fact that I keep having these dreams.”

“Dreams you say, what kind of dreams?”

“It’s the same one always, Cas’ at the beach, the same beach where my grandpa Dean once took him when they were together, and he’s waiting for my grandpa but he never arrives, he still hasn’t arrived. I feel such paranoia about it, like there’s something I can do, but I pause myself sometimes because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Have you ever reached out to him, asked him what’s going on, why he hasn’t been able to find Dean?”

“Well there are some things, but I feel like they’re nonsense.”

“Explain to me.”

It’s as if the conversation they’re having is the most normal thing in the world, Lisa knows that Dean is meant to be with Castiel, she has accepted that, but it’s still unsettling for Jo, as if she’s helping lure her grandpa away from her grandmother.

“So finally he tends to repeat things like, ‘Nothing is ever how it’s written, nothing is ever how it’s told’, I don’t understand what he means.”

“I wish I knew dear, but I don´t understand either.”

She reached for another envelope, just as old as the last.

“Here, this is the letter Dean wrote for Castiel apologizing for not writing in so long, and unless you have another letter this practically the last one he ever wrote.”

Jo took the envelope, as she remembered the last letter Dean ever wrote was from 1989; except he never gave closure to anything and for some reason it actually made Jo sad, thinking he probably never even said goodbye.

She unraveled the letter and began reading out loud, the date marked April 17th 1991, on the anniversary of Castiel’s death.

Dear Cas,

Today marks 10 years from the day you died, I’ve never thought the years would go by so quickly and I feel horrible to believe that there are some days when I don’t pray to you. Don’t ever think I’ve stopped loving you, because you know that will never happen. 

I feel like a coward for never telling Lisa or Ben about you, I just was so afraid that if they ever knew maybe they wouldn’t accept it, and I wouldn’t be able to bear with losing them just like I lost you.

Baby please don’t ever, ever think that I’ll stop loving you, you keep a unique place in my heart and soul and that will forever be there until the day I die.

But there is one thing I must tell you, this is the last letter I will write for you my sweet Cas, as Ben and Carson grow I find myself needed more at work and in their lives, which is something I would’ve never thought would have happened in my life or in my dreams. 

It’s impossible for me to write this without sounding like I am saying goodbye to you, but that is not the what’s going on, I still feel you are here with me and I hope that never changes, but from this day on I may no longer write directly to you, although I will forever visit you’re grave and talk to you as if we stood in front of each other. 

I’m certain and I’ll always be, that the day I die and go to heaven you will be there waiting for me, we will run across the beach and laugh like we used to when we were together, the first thing you’ll ask me if I missed you and all I’ll do is laugh and kiss you and respond ‘Is the day long?’.

You have no idea just how much I’ve needed your guidance and your words to help get me through, today I find myself surrounded with such a beautiful family, and part of it is thanks to you Cas, you always showed me that I must enjoy the littlest of joys in life, I did that with you and to this day everything you and I did together is everything I will never regret.

Thank you my sweet angel, for I owe you everything, from the best date of my life to the amazing family that I have today.

From now on enjoy heaven and wait for the day I make it a complete mess for you, because we both know that it’s my specialty. 

Forever loving and missing you,

Dean

P.s. I’ve been practicing slow dancing for the day we meet, Elvis is sure as hell gonna fill up the beach that surrounds us.

 

Jo faced her grandmother, deep inside they both felt the same way, thing was, now they don’t know what’s going to happen or more likely what they will do. 

“It’s kind of curious, you know? Grandpa never wrote anything for Cas on his death anniversary until this day, almost like he was sure it was time to stop writing, and he was going to go directly to him. Did he ever act strange after that day?”

“Whenever he had a problem and nor Sam nor I could help, he would go off for a while, after reading the letters I started guessing he would visit the cemetery. I never did believe he was cheating on me.”

If there was one thing this woman was sure of it’s that Dean was always faithful, and Jo was also sure of that. Now a new idea was braking in on Jo’s mind.

“Do you by any chance know where the cemetery where Cas was buried in is?”

“I’m sorry to say I don’t, but you and I both know who does.”

Jo locked her hand around Dean’s amulet, she may have been getting crazy ideas lately but maybe this one was going to a brand new height, and now her grandma was on board with helping her accomplish this insane mission.

“We need to visit my granduncle Sam.” She finally managed to say.

The only problem they found themselves in, was the fact that nor Ben nor Erica would be home before 7, so that was going to present some difficulties. 

She knew maybe she had to call Richard, but part of her was still embarrassed about what had happened on Saturday, still either she ceased the opportunity now or she vacillated about it more and more which would lead to nowhere.

About half an hour later Richard’s truck parked outside the house, Jo helped her grandma out to the front door and suddenly saw Ashley jumping out of the truck alongside Rich and heading towards them.

“Ashley! What are you doing here? Oh crap I totally forgot to call you!”

“No worries Jo, Rich here called to make sure I was up to speed with everything.”

Jo gave a thankful look at Rich who just responded, “Hey if it’s a Destiel situation, who else to have by our sides than sweet Ash here.”

“Dude, I already told you I don’t like that nickname!”

“Well you call her Jo and me Rich, so it was only a matter of time before we called you Ash, dude.”

Ashley was completely red, and Jo was happy that for once Ashley was the one who was embarrassed.

“Ok, anyways” Jo interrupted pointing to her grandma, “You all may know my grandma Lisa, turns out she has known about Castiel for some time now and has decided she wants to help us.”

Richard and Ashley were genuinely shocked, none of them expected this to happen, then again, was anything at this point really a surprise in Jo’s life or in theirs?

They both greeted Lisa and politely asked her to explain everything she knew, they needed to know what was up. As she was explaining, it was clear that her sight kept focusing on Richard, eventually to the point where her site was completely on him.

“Grandma is everything ok?” Jo asked

Lisa broke from what seemed to be a short trance, finally answering. 

“Tell me something Richard, was Castiel a relative of yours?”

There was silence; Jo still hadn’t told her grandma that Richard was indeed a Novak, and it was clear it was taking everyone by surprise.

“Yeah, it seems he’s my granduncle.” Richard responded a bit nervous

Lisa smirked, “If there’s something I’ll never forget it’s that shade of blue in a man’s eyes.”

“What do mean?” Richard asked voice still nervous as ever.

“Inside Dean’s trophy laid a picture of Castiel, whose blue eyes shined in a way I have never seen since the day I saw that picture, that is, until today.”

She got up and headed towards Richard, putting a hand on his cheek, smiling so tenderly and so sweet that it helped calm Richard a bit.

“You’re in love aren’t you?”

Richard was blushing, it surprised the girls since neither of them had seen him get shy like this before. Lisa didn’t remove her hand from his face, it appeared like she was aiming for an answer and she wasn’t going to remove herself until Richard spoke out.

“I guess I may be feeling things…” his face lit up as he watched over Lisa and faced Jo, who instantly blushed as he spoke, “…things I’ve never felt before, for anyone.” 

Ashley was trying so hard not to scream, she had never seen her friend blush like this, not for a boy not for anyone actually, it was a complete surprise, and a good one for that matter.

Lisa finally removed her hand from Richard’s face, she proceeded to getting her purse which held the two letters she’d shown Jo, and then she walked to the truck. Ashley helped her, leaving Jo and Richard behind on purpose. 

“So, you’re grandma is on board with helping Dean find Castiel huh? Good thing she knows how not to make a moment completely awkward.” he broke the silence and chuckled, as held her hand reaching out to kiss her.

Jo closed her eyes as he pressed his lips against hers, it was as if every time Richard kissed her all her problems were gone, falling for him was becoming so simple, maybe too simple which at some points scared her, but overall it always felt perfect.

They separated lips and stared at each other for a few moments, his blue eyes so dilated as Jo observed him, they were the clear reflection of an ocean. 

Richard couldn’t help but notice the shine in her green eyes, as if it resembled a forest, so full of life, so beautiful. 

Their moment in trance was instantly interrupted by Ashley who started honking the truck´s horn to get their attention. 

As they raced towards the truck, Jo’s mind refocused on their new mission, and that was to visit Castiel’s grave, was she expecting answers? Maybe, but that was something she felt impossible and completely crazy if she was honest.

On the way to granduncle Sam’s house, Lisa told the children how she met Dean, Richard almost lost control of the car when he discovered that his first date with Jo was at the exact same place Lisa had worked at when she met Dean.

“Yes Dear, Bob’s BBQ was once called the Pennington’s Bar and I worked there as a waitress when I met Dean, he was with a friend when we met and a few days later he visited me all by himself, I’m guessing he didn’t want any competition.”

Jo had never seen her grandma behave this way, and boy did her past sound juicy, she now realized that avoiding her hadn’t been the answer, it was all the contrary but now all of that didn’t seem worthy of worriment. 

The weather in California was beautiful, and every time Jo faced the street beside her, she couldn’t help notice every little detail that gave life to the street. A young blonde girl chasing her puppy down the park, a couple kissing each other with their eyes shut close as they enjoyed every second of it, a beautiful lake that seemed to follow her as the truck continued driving. 

Jo had practically lost track of time, she forgot about the conversation taking place behind her, she forgot about Dean and Cas for a second, she finally returned to herself when they arrived at granduncle Sam’s house. Only this time there was no place in her mind for nerves, she was calm, prepared for what she would be doing today, unaware of whether or not this would help in any single way.

“Lisa!! What a surprise!” grandaunt Jess greeted her happily, and so did granduncle Sam, both were shocked to see her after so long, but they were even more shocked when they noticed who had accompanied them, Jo, Ashley and Richard. 

Pretending not to know something was up, both Sam & Jess offered the kids and Lisa some tea, it started out like any normal conversation until grandma Lisa spoke her mind. 

“Tell me Sam, were you ever planning on telling me about Dean and Castiel.”

Sam choked on his tea, and Jess also coughed out of the impression. Jo helped them out and so did Richard, but it was clear that everyone was just as surprised about what was going on. 

The next half an hour was completely crazy, practically Sam kept on stuttering trying to explain why he kept that big of a secret from Lisa, but of course he was doing it for Dean, Jess basically said the same thing, and although Lisa finally forgave them, she demanded they all went to Castiel’s grave, immediately. 

“Wait, you want us all to go to Castiel’s grave? What for?”

“Jo has been having these strange dreams as you may know”

“Yes, we were aware of that, Lisa.”

“Perfect, I’m here to help Dean find his true love, but in order for that to happen we may need more answers, which is why you must take us to his tomb.”

There was a big moment of silence, but eventually both Sam and Jess nodded in agreement, they were willing to help them.

As they headed outdoors Sam handed Richard the keys to the van, because of course they weren’t all going to fit in the truck.

Just as they were all getting settled in the van, Abigail showed up.

“Mom, Dad Hi!”

She was confused to find her Aunt Lisa, Jo and two other kids inside the van along her parents.

“What is going on?”

“Get in the car sweetheart, we’ll explain on the way.” Lisa said, without losing the smile on her face. 

Abigail was completely shocked with everything she was hearing, but was so excited to visit Castiel’s grave, for a moment she would be able to maybe connect, on a spiritual level, with the “Angel” her uncle Dean always talked to her about. 

Sam told Jo to turn on the radio, the music filled the car lightly and everyone seemed to be more excited with every second that went by. It made Jo wonder, when was the last time granduncle Sam & grandaunt Jess had visited Cas’ tomb? She found herself very eager to ask, but she thought that maybe right now wasn’t the moment.

Half an hour later there they were, at the entrance of the cemetery, side by side, Richard, Ashley, Sam, Jess, Abigail, Lisa and Jo, were prepared to visit Castiel, or his grave at least.

“Ok, so just so you guys know, we don’t remember where exactly Cas’ grave is.”

Everyone turned to face Sam and Jess, were they serious? 

It had now turned into some type of scavenger hunt, and the cemetery was huge. Castiel was buried in 1981, so that meant 45 years of other buried loved ones in this ever-growing cemetery was going to make it truly hard, if not impossible.

Christopher Earl, Natasha West, Patrick Carver, so many names yet none of them was Castiel Novak. Jo was starting to get very frustrated, the hunt had already taken over more than 20 minutes and no one had even found a hint of anything. 

A few more minutes of search went by, when Ashley started shouting, “Found it!”, Jo helped her grandma while Richard and Abigail help her granduncles get to the place where Ashley was yelling from.

A few minutes later, everyone was in front of the grave, no one really said anything, as if they didn’t believe they were actually there. 

It did take a few minutes before Sam shook from his apparent trance and said something.

“Hey Cas, it’s been a long time. I’m sorry we haven’t visited in a while, but as you can see, walking has become a bit of an issue.” He chuckled ever so softly, his eyes teary yet they didn’t show sadness, it was more joy than anything. 

“Sweetie, we’re here for a very special reason.” Grandaunt Jess interrupted “Jo tells us you can’t find Dean in heaven, and we’re doing everything we can to help.”

She pointed around her as if Cas was aching her moves, “All these people here came to help, some faces you might not recognize but believe me, you’ll be surprised.”

Jess indicated them to speak, and Jo was about to say something but her Aunt Abigail beat her to it.

“Hi Castiel, It’s me remember, little Abby, mom and dad say you and I were both able to meet before…”

She stayed silent, as if not wanting to even mention what they all knew.

“Anyways, I just want you to know, I was there many times when uncle Dean wrote letters to you, maybe no one’s ever told you this, but he always referred to you as an angel , and as he did so while writing, his eyes would tear up. “ 

Her hands on the top of Cas’ grave stroking the ground as if she was in the touch of Castiel. 

“I never did understand precisely why that happened, you see to me it was just a story, a beautiful yet tragic story, and I’m sad I never got to meet you in person, you sounded like the type of guy who would be good to have around during finals, cause daddy and uncle Dean weren’t the best of tutors.”

“I’m right here sweetie” Sam interrupted, almost sounding a bit offended.

Abigail just chuckled, her sight still facing Castiel, she finally retrieved herself and sat along with everyone else.

“Sweetie, I never told you this, your first words ever were, Castiel.” 

Sam grinned at the memory as Jess explained it to everyone, Abigail’s eyes were flooded with tears, everyone else’s were too.

“So Cas, you already met my grown daughter Abigail again, but here some other faces I bet you haven’t met” Sam pointed out at Ashley, she made a face not knowing what to do, finally after lots of encouragement she got up and said a few words.

“So Castiel, a few weeks ago, I had no idea about your story or your existence, today I am glad that my best friend had enough trust in me to tell me what had happened between you and Dean. It has been an amazing adventure so far, and honestly your story makes me feel sadness many times but also makes me feel faithful, you’ve shown me love is sacred and unforgettable, which is something I hope to one day find.”

She smiled at Jo and Richard who were holding hands right beside her. “Thanks Castiel.”

Richard got up, he was a bit nervous for so many reasons, especially knowing he is the direct grandson from the man who abandoned Cas at the hospital when he was dying.

“Hey, um this might be a complete shocker, but it turns out that I’m your grandnephew. My grandpa is Gabriel, and I just want to apologize for what he and Michael did. It was messed up, you don’t abandon your brothers in any circumstances, and they did it without any problem, so please forgive them.”

He started fidgeting with his hands as if he was exactly in front of Cas, face to face.

“Listen man, I’m truly sorry about what happened, it would’ve amazing to have a doctor in the family, and even cooler to have Dean as a granduncle, he sounded like an awesome guy. But if I’m completely honest, I’m truly happy Dean was able to move on, cause if he hadn’t I maybe would’ve never met Jo. “ 

Sam gave Jo a teasing smirk, surely he felt happy, it sort of felt destined that Winchester was always meant to be with a Novak, and as he could see it had happened, of course they weren’t gonna get married now, but the way Richard sees Jess, was the exact personification of how Dean saw Castiel, from the first time they saw each other to the last time he saw him, always with love. 

“I promise I’m not gonna stop until you find him, cause I want you to be happy, you deserve it, and I know that.”

Finally once Richard sat down, it was Jo’s turn, or at least that’s what she had thought, her grandma stopped her before she could do anything. 

“I think it’s best if Jo goes last, you know, for obvious reasons.”

Without waiting for an answer she got up, in her hands she possessed the two letters, the one she wrote for Castiel, and the final letter Dean had written for him too.

“Castiel, you probably don’t even remember this, but about 30 years ago I wrote a letter to you. I had found the letters my husband Dean had written towards you. I never truthfully never comprehended how a love that big could ever fade, and that was because it never did.”

She laid the letters on top of Cas’ tomb, both so he could read them, if that was possible in any way.

“Dean loved me, that is one thing I cannot deny, he loved our children and his grandchildren soon became the light of his eyes, as they became mine as well, but his heart never truly forgot the first person to ever make him say ‘I love you’, that was and forever will be you Castiel.” 

A small gust of wind filled the air, ever so slightly blowing through the small grass that surrounded many tombs, making the environment around them fill with sudden life. Cas was happy, they didn’t know how exactly, they just knew he was happy and it made everyone smile.

“I am here to help you find your true happiness Castiel, as everyone here is willing to do also, because we all love you, just as Dean still does.”

She picked up the letters and headed towards the small path that had lead them through the tombstones.

Sam called her out.

“Lisa, Jo hasn’t said what she was going to say.”

Without even turning around Lisa just responded, “I do believe it’s best if Jo and Castiel have a private conversation, wouldn’t you agree?”

Abigail helped her mom up, “She’s right you know, maybe it’s better if we don’t interrupt anything here.”

Sam nodded and got up, Richard and Ashley helped him.

“We’ll all be at the van waiting for you Jo.” Her granduncle said before heading after Lisa.

Richard gave her a small kiss and Ashley rubbed her arm, not saying anything but clearly wishing her the best of luck. 

Once everyone had gone, Jo faced the grave, she lay on her knees right beside Castiel, showing a sweet smile towards him. 

There was huge doubt in her mind, there’s a complete difference in between talking to the Castiel from her dreams, the one who seemed to be happy and to have left everything in the past, and then there was the Cas that was buried here and had been a victim of AIDS, the one who died beside the man he loved, who had to see him suffer.

If she was honest, she could as easily have a break down right now, but she was going to be strong, as strong as she could be. 

“That was my lovely family, hoping the best for you Castiel” She grinned, trying to hide the uncertainty she felt, “I honestly don’t know where to start, everything that has happened in these few weeks has been so confusing. I don’t know what I can do to help you, and every time I try I end up finding out that I don’t really know the whole story. And if I’m honest I’m afraid to know the whole story, it starts out beautifully, that I can understand, but the way it ends the way you suffer in the middle of it, I just feel like I can’t stand it. Every time I pick up one of your letters, I feel like I won’t be able to finish. When I read the final one you had written to my grandpa I was collapsing on the floor, I couldn’t take any of it, and to think that I might have to read them again to try and find answers, just startles me. I wish you could just tell me what I have to do.”

She gripped her grandpa Dean’s medallion tight, sighing and closing her eyes, wishing for the answer to fall from the sky, she looked down finally facing the tomb.

“I promise I’ll never give up, I’ll make sure you and my grandpa find happiness, I’m going to make sure you find each other.”

She pulled her phone out of her pocket, these things proved to be more useful than she had thought; searching through her library she finally found what she was looking for, she pressed play and lifted the volume all the way up.

-Aloha Ohi, Aloha Ohi-

“I know it’s not exactly a record player, but I’m guessing no one has come to play Elvis for you for some time now right? Sorry if I haven’t downloaded your favorite song, the memory is still too painful for me and my fragile heart, I promise I’ll come back soon and play it for you, just like my grandpa Dean did before me. “

She stayed in silence letting the music fill her surroundings as she laid on the floor, observing the sky she felt as if Castiel was watching her, protecting her and in some way thanking her for what she was doing. Her smile was suddenly so full of life, she knew she would do everything for them to be together, she’d never given up before, and this time would be no different. 

The song had ended, she was ready to head out, she got up and was about to say her goodbyes, when someone caught up to her.

In his hands he carried a stack of lilies, and when his eyes met hers, she could tell they were filled with remorse and guilt. 

It was Gabriel, Castiel’s brother. She didn’t know what to say, she didn’t know how to even salute him or if she was supposed to say hi. It was all too weird, all too sudden.

“Hello Jo.” He said, his voice almost breaking at the sight of her.

“Mr. Novak, I’m sorry I was just leaving.”

“Please stay, I was hoping now that your here you could help me.”

“Adorn the tomb with the lilies?”

“Yes but I, also wish you would help me… apologize to Castiel.”

His eyes were suddenly flooded as a fainted ‘please’ escaped his mouth, Jo hugged the man, it felt like the right thing to do.

“You know Richard hates me now, I’m guessing I deserve that.” He said frustrated 

“He doesn’t hate you, he hates the idea of you abandoning a brother in need, I honestly understand it, but I can tell you’re regretting having done that.”

“I have been ever since the day Castiel died, I know it doesn’t seem like it. Back then I was blinded by the homophobia and all those idiotic ideas my brother put in my head, it took over all my senses, my god I had lost my baby brother and I wasn’t even able to fully understand any of it at all.”

“I’m not the one you should be telling that to.” Jo said as she pointed towards the grave.

Gabriel handed her the lilies, he sat down on a rock beside the tomb, silence, pure silence invaded everything around them, even the gentle wind calmed.

“This is your opportunity Mr. Novak, go ahead, speak out and do it from the heart.” 

He nodded, took a deep breath and began.

“Cas, can you hear me little brother? It’s me Gabe, I’m betting the last person you would ever think to visit you was gonna be me huh? I can’t even begin to apologize.” The tears were no longer being held in their place, Gabriel was crying, releasing the sentiments from all those years he hadn’t mourned Castiel in the past. “You have no idea, how many nights I would wake up crying remembering how I just left you, lying on a hospital bed, never turning back just, just leaving in the car and not hesitating once to return.”

Jo comforted Gabriel as best as she could, but it was clear Gabriel did not plan on stopping just now, he needed to let it all out, he needed to feel that Castiel could forgive him for everything. 

”I never even told Karen about you, let alone any of my children, and now my grandson found out, and he hates me, and I deserve it. I deserve everything that has happened to me, but you didn’t deserve anything that happened to you. You were in love, you should’ve been happy, you should’ve been living a long life besides Dean, not caring what everyone in our family ever thought of you. The way you looked at him even on your death bed, how does one ever find a true love like that?”

“It’s ok Mr. Novak, let everything out, empty all your sorrows, but more importantly let him know you’re truly sorry.”

“Little brother I don’t know if you can hear me, but I want you to know, that I am truly sorry and forever will be until the day I die. Please forgive me for being an asshole, for abandoning you in the moments you mostly needed me, please Castiel forgive me.”

Jo took Gabriel’s hand, she focused on the man’s eyes, so sorrow, so tortured, but honest, truly honest about what he was saying. 

“Maybe we should adorn his tomb, it might not sound or feel like much, but at least he’ll know you’re actually here, and that your intentions are true.” She suggested.

He wiped the tears from his eyes, nodding in comfort towards Jo. They picked up the lilies and started to put them carefully over the tombstone, Jo made a type of crown from most of them that she gently placed over the tombstone, Gabriel brought a flower jar and in it he placed the rest of the lilies, setting it all in front of the grave, finally it was done. The results were perfect, it gave the grave a new look, more joyful, it brightened with the memory of Castiel, and Jo could tell it made Gabriel happy, maybe the happiest he had been for some time.

Richard had told her about his grandma Karen, and how they had lost her to cancer a few years back, it was tragic and in some way Gabriel might have thought it was punishment for what he had done. But Jo didn’t believe it so.

She thought of putting some more music for Cas, but Gabriel interrupted her and told her he had to go, a good friend of his would take him home. He hugged Jo goodbye, and thanked her for everything she had already done, but before leaving he pleaded that Richard didn’t know about this, at least not now. Jo accepted to keep the secret.

Once Gabriel had left she faced the grave for the last time before leaving, a sweet and truthful smile escaped from her as she watched the now decorated grave, it was beautiful.

“He truly is sorry Castiel, I hope you find it in your heart to forgive him, he’s a good man, I’m sure of that.”

The road home was silent for her, everyone was openly discussing something about how horrible this generation’s music was, Ashley and Richard were doing all they could to defend their favorite bands, but once granduncle Sam had an idea in his mind, almost no one could make him change it. That was something grandpa Dean always mentioned to Jo.

Her eyes fixated on the streets, every time she saw a couple she couldn’t help but imagine what life Dean and Castiel would have been living, sure she would of never been born, but for some reason she kept on imagining a type of fairy tale living taking place in their life. Growing old and sappy together, maybe someday being able to adopt, growing with their grandchildren, who’d be following them everywhere they went, and of course being side by side, old and joyful, truly in love.

Back home she focused on the family pictures, there was the one from her dad Ben’s first soccer championship, her grandparents so joyful and smiling at each other. The one that they had taken from Uncle Carson’s first theater display, grandpa Dean held both his sons with contentment in his arms, so proud of them. With each picture, their laid a memory, just like the memories granduncle Sam possessed in his photo album back home. 

If you paid close attention you’d be amazed at how Dean’s expressions never change, with Castiel or with Lisa, his eyes were lit, the fullness in them marked how in love he was. He loved Lisa just as much as he did Castiel, and his sons, they were something completely surreal to him, you could tell.

-I’m scared as fuck for trying to do this, but I’m also decided to try it out. There is no room for anyone trying to replace you anytime soon, you will always be the first love of my life. It may sound weird that I’m saying this like I’m already getting married, but truth be told, the last time I ever felt something like was when I met you.-She remembered those words, her grandpa was ready for something else in his life and that was grandma Lisa, truly he was lucky to have her, truly Jo was lucky to have them.

With all her distractions, Jo didn’t notice her grandma entering the room, she handed Jo a picture, it was old, very old. But when she saw it, her eyes lit up, her grandpa Dean was asleep on the couch, in his arms was her dad Ben.

“This picture was taken the first night Dean had asked me out on a date, I had to work late that night so he stayed and took care of Ben.”

“Wait, my dad had already been born when you met my grandpa?”

“Yes dear, you’re not a direct relative from Dean, I’m very sorry, Dean is Carson’s father but he’s not Ben’s.”

No one, not even her Uncle Carson knew that, it was something, only her grandparents and granduncles knew.

A single tear fell from Jo’s cheek, but something struck inside her, truthfully she didn’t care, Dean was her grandfather and no one would change that, ever. She smiled at Lisa, she smiled back, no words were needed for they both knew it. 

“Wait, if I’m not a direct grandchild of Dean’s, then why are my eyes Green?”

Lisa could only smile and shrug. “To this day it remains a mystery, but you know something, it’s clear that they were always destined to be that color.”

Jo hugged her grandma, it seemed like with every day that went on, she was discovering something new, in a way it was heartbreaking, but maybe necessary. 

“Sweetie, if you don’t mind, could I possibly read Castiel’s letters, the ones he wrote to Dean?”

Jo nodded, she wasn’t prepared though, the letters were heartbreaking and they had made a mess of her and Ashley before. 

Just at that moment, her mom, dad and little Jake entered the house, everyone was surprised to find them together. But before anyone could say anything, Ben proposed they all went out for hamburgers.

“I know of a good place.” Lisa said.

Jo didn’t have to guess what she was about to say, she knew even before she proposed the idea, Bob{s BBQ.

That night was for certainly one of the most joyful and memorable ones for Jo, she couldn’t remember the last time they had all gone out as a family. The laughter filled the air, all through the evening, she forgot about every stress that had been invading her mind, maybe this is what she needed, it was simply perfect.

They arrived home later that night, and Jo hugged everyone goodnight, when she hugged grandma Lisa, she whispered something into Jo’s ear.

With that she went to sleep, thinking that tomorrow would be an interesting day, and that many things would be known. She might invite Ashley over; as she knew the horrors that reading Castiel’s letters could do to one’s feelings.


	9. Of war and lullabies

January 1971

Castiel awoke early that morning, the bed had never felt so wide, the place where Dean would always sleep was now empty. He had acknowledged that this was how it would be for the next year, and if things got worse it would be even more time than that. But right now he couldn’t be thinking about that, Dean had promised to come back to him, and Castiel knew the he would keep that promise.

The morning routine was very dull, there were many times when Dean had left the house way before Castiel woke up, except this time he wouldn’t be home by afternoon, he wouldn’t be home by tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, he simply wouldn’t{t be here for a long time.

He tried focusing his mind on morning chores, he had to finish everything before heading off to class, but even in between chores, his mind focused on Dean. How was it possible that this was happening to them? Castiel knew that them being together was too good to be true, as if that was the reason falling for him seemed so easy, because sometimes the most easiest of things get taken away rapidly.

School wasn’t of much help as he thought, even throughout lectures and school work, his mind would trail off completely, imagining Dean exposing himself out there, and he wouldn’t say it, but he had thought about what would happen, if Dean didn’t... 

The image was too much for Castiel, the sheer thought of him never returning, it was a mental torture he tried to escape, but eventually kept falling for. 

The days still pass by, slowly and agonizing, Castiel can’t find anything that will distract him, he avoids his friends from school, and although Sam normally calls to check up on him, it’s not the same, it’s no longer the same.

April 1971

Once those long weeks became months, Castiel decided he would write a letter, Dean said there would be no letters sent, but he didn’t plan on sending it, he planned on keeping them. In some way he thought this would keep him close to Dean, in some way maybe this would maintain that strong connection between them, even if he was on the other side of the world. 

Laying on the table, the piece of paper somehow stared at him, within it he would try to express every sentiment of his distress and sadness, and he hoped that someday, they would be reading them together. Dean would laugh at how cheesy Castiel had become throughout the letters, and Castiel would get mad at him, but eventually they would make up, no one could tell them what to do and they would be happy. Or at least, that’s what kept on hoping.

He began writing, for he had a lot to express. 

 

Dear Dean,

I’ve missed you so much, there are no words that could possibly describe the way I feel about you risking everything over there, and I take my self to blame for constantly wishing that you wouldn’t leave me, as if I had doomed every little hope we had for you not being selected and heading out to this devastating war.

The days are constant but torturing, everything I try doing, it seems so hollow because you’re not here, please come home to me, so we can visit the ocean again, so we can feel like the world is ours despite having to hide our true feelings. I know right now none of that matters, and now I can understand that even if the world turns their back against us, we’ll always have each other right?

It never did snow, I waited patiently through January and February hoping that the first sign of anything white fell from the sky, but nothing, only stupid cold weather to bother me day and night. Making me wish the bed wasn’t so empty, making me wish I had someone to cuddle with, wishing it was you.

I know you are in fact all right, I can feel it, but understand that a part of me is still afraid, wars are never something to joke about, and I can’t stand imagining you never coming back, or worse, having to see you come back lifeless, watching horrified as they provide your body back to Sam, it is things like that which torture my mind endlessly, and I wish I could somehow forget it, but I just can’t.

I swear I do my best to distract myself, but I know that the only way I will ever be able to stop thinking about it, is when I have you here, in my arms, kissing like the day we met. Do you still remember? Because I do, I always do.

Come back to me safe and sound Dean, please.

I love you.

Yours forever,

Castiel

 

It wasn’t a very good letter, but it was a start, Cas really wanted to express how he felt at the moment. It did end up helping in some way, the letter resembled those mixed feelings, purposely making him feel better about the situation, and although it didn’t solve anything, it was a good way of beginning for trying to heal his nerves.

He left his home that day, it had been months since he had gone out to take a walk, but then again, who could calmly take a stroll through the park, when the person they love the most is out there, risking his life, for all of this.

As he walked, his mind kept on reminding him something, as of today it had been six years since Cas first met Dean. That April party, it had been so long ago, yet to Castiel it felt like it had just been yesterday, it had seemed like just last night his eyes fixated on that green eyed stranger.

The memories glimpsed deeply into Castiel’s mind, seeing him for the first time, the ride on his motorcycle, those milkshakes, thick and sweet just like Dean, and finally their kiss. It is amazing how easily one can simply remember the good things, when the worst is happening. 

There are no tears in Castiel’s eyes, instead and for what had been missing in a long time, there is a smile, because how could he be depressed, when on a day like this he had met Dean, and he was forever certain that he would come back to him, safe and sound, just like he had promised. 

He took the picture out of his pocket, the one Dean told him to hold on to before he departed, it is curious how they say one simple picture can become a strong memory, and this was one of them.

He had taken the picture before all of this had happened, it was on a Sunday, they were spending the afternoon just watching television, Castiel had been excited for getting new film for his camera, it was a surprise from Dean, a lovely surprise. He remembered capturing the exact moment that Dean was laughing, it made Castiel smile beyond anything, and it made him wish he could just go back to that, back to having him by his side the moment he needed him, having him overreact over certain things, like peoples comments about their lifestyle, knowing Dean would probably think about beating someone up if he was taunted, without listening to Castiel first. 

Sure, in those moments it was unsettling for Castiel, but truthfully he would rather have to find himself in the need of tranquilizing Dean from starting a riot than having him risk his life across the world, where there is actually nothing he can do, nothing at all.

Throughout the rest of April Castiel found himself invested in writing more and more letters, some of them were sad, others were from a more hopeful Castiel, one that knew Dean would soon be by his side again, he started going out more with some friends, and sometimes on weekends Sam and Jess would come visit him. They would have a great time together, but it was always hard for Castiel when they had to leave, because it meant being left alone once again in his empty apartment.

His only comforts right now, were the letters.

 

Dear Dean,

Please, come back to me.

I’ve seem to have lost count of the days that go by, there are such short distractions that make me forget where you are right now. Sam and Jess tend to visit often, but the moment they leave, the apartment is empty again. 

I find solace in the sweetest of moments, yet I am instantly dragged back to my reality, my horrified mind creates those scenarios where I dream of losing you, and in those moments, it is when I cannot stop crying, when the tears flow aimlessly down my cheeks. I wish I could stop, I wish I could just turn them off, I wish I could simply tell myself that everything will be fine, but I am never sure, not completely at least. 

I’ve seen how they drag back the bodies on television, I have seen how families are destroyed because of this war, and I know how it would be able to destroy me. For as much as I am calmed by those who love me, the empty bed I arrive to every day takes away that calmness, it kills every bit of hope I build throughout my day.

I miss the way you hug me, the way you kiss and touch me, I miss the way you smile whenever I mess something up, but more importantly I miss you. Your presence had always been enough to keep me alive, but now I’m scared that you might not be able to keep yourself alive.

I go back and forth remembering the beautiful moments we have spent together, and genuine smiles are plastered on my face, but that is where the problem relies, having to necessarily remember every perfect moments beside you, as if you weren’t going to come back.

But I need to make myself understand that you are coming back, and that you will soon be here with me, you will make fun of all these stupid letters, calling me overdramatic and telling me I should have never worried about anything.

I know that’s how it’s going to be, I know it is, but I can’t calm myself down sometimes, I know you would feel the same if I was taken, and it’s because I love you that I worry, I know Sam’s probably having a hard time too.

These letters help sometimes, they make me sure I relieve every stressful moment I own, in some way I believe they help me, I sure hope that’s true and that I’m not trying to fool myself.

Dean, always be safe, take care, and come back to me soon, please.

Yours now and forever, 

Castiel

 

He put the letter in an envelope and headed to place it inside the shoe box he always put them in, the sheer promise that when Dean came back they would be reading each and every one of them, and after that, they would be burned until there was nothing left but ashes.

And with that he went to sleep, it was the last day of April and that meant that finals were coming up, he hoped he could concentrate enough to get pass the exams, and at the same stop worrying over Dean, but it was easier said than done.

JUNE 1971

Sam was sitting by the car, both him and Jess were just observing Castiel as he walked from side to side, Dean had been commissioned to leave the war early, something about him not having to have go in the first place.

It was clear that Castiel couldn’t hide his excitement, his mind just kept on spinning, Dean would be back after only months, he didn’t have to stay for a year like expected and he was ok. 

Castiel could cry right now, because he wanted to, but he had to be strong. He would wait until they were safe and sound in their home, then he would hold his husband close, cry his heart out and then both of them would stay together in their bed. They were going to read those cheesy letters, they were going to burn them and then they would be back to their routine, promising never to lose each other again.

“Cas buddy, you’ve got to calm down, Dean is almost here, there is no need for you to be anxious.” Sam said as he was trying not to laugh at how nervous Castiel seemed.

“Sam’s right Cas, calm down, Dean will be here soon.” Jess said, heartwarming as always.

“I know, it’s just, I have been waiting for this day ever since he left, and to have him here by my side again, I just can’t hold my excitement.”

They all laugh, start small talk to distract themselves, but even this mood lighting conversation doesn’t distract Castiel from wanting to see Dean, he wishes time would go faster.

All of a sudden someone approaches them, from what he wears they can tell he works in the military, he asks for Sam, and suddenly everything stands still, and Jess and Castiel find themselves holding hands tightly, both afraid of what is happening.

He is gone, Dean died from a missing bullet during an attack to their helicopter, he’s dead.

The world starts spinning for Castiel, Sam is on the floor yelling as hardly as possible, Jess let’s go of Castiel’s hand and heads to hug Sam. They are both crying loudly on the floor, screaming so loud it only scares Castiel more than he already is.

Castiel isn’t moving, he is shocked, Dean is gone and he is never coming back. Castiel will never see him again, their last kiss, was in fact their last, forever.

Castiel is suddenly screaming, he can’t believe it, he wants it all to be false he can’t accept it, he won’t accept it, he screams as loudly as he possibly can. He feels Jess reaching out to him, she pulls him in with Sam, neither of them controls their crying. Jess tries to calm herself down, because if she continues to cry, she fears they might never stop, and they probably won’t.

In an instant, Castiel is no longer with Sam nor Jess, he is alone in a white hall, a hospital hall. He overhears the name Dean Winchester mentioned by one of the doctors.

“Dean?” he asks almost desperately, but it seems that the doctor doesn’t hear him.

Suddenly, Sam enters the room followed by Jess, they both seem so desperate, Castiel follows them as it seems they have not even seen him.

“Doctor, I’m Sam Winchester, where is my brother?”

“Right this way, follow me.”

They hurry behind the doctor, and Castiel follows them, trying to make them notice he is there, but for some reason no one hears him, why? 

The doctor halts at one of the doors, he indicates them that Dean is very weak, and that they don’t know if he will make it. Castiel places a hand on Sam’s shoulder as he too feels overwhelmed and unable to speak, but Sam doesn’t even feel it, Castiel then notices that no one has been aware of his presence, he doesn’t understand.

His mind is caught with Sam crying once inside the room, Jess can be heard trying to calm him down, he won’t listen, and he keeps on repeating his older brother’s name. “Dean, come on man don’t give up, don’t…please man don’t…”

Castiel is afraid of entering the hospital room, he is afraid of what he will encounter in there, a few minutes ago he was outside of the airport waiting for Dean to arrive, the next he finds out Dean is dead and now, now Dean laid on a hospital bed, dying once more.

He slowly made his way into the room, Jess was standing beside the bed and Sam was kneeling beside her, his head was solemnly facing down on the bed, neither of them spoke, Castiel feared the worst, he was shaking and didn’t know what to do, what to say, or how to react.

“I don’t know where he is Dean, I went to the apartment and looked for him, but he wasn’t there.” Sam says exasperated, Castiel doesn’t understand.

Jess then speaks up, “Don’t worry Dean, I know Castiel will be here soon, he would never leave you, he loves you.”

Castiel then realizes that they speak of him, he instantly speaks up, “I’m right here you guys!” he shouts as he approaches the bed, “I’m right…” suddenly he is face to face with the bed Dean rests upon, his face completely horrified. Dean isn’t there, instead the bed is cover completely in blood, Castiel is scared, fully terrified he yells at Sam and Jess screaming at them that Dean isn’t there, but they look over at the bed as if Dean was agonizing, as if he indeed was there.

Castiel tries to shove them away but he doesn’t even touch them, it is then when he realizes he is not truly there, he does not possess a physical body, he is but a mere spectrum in this world, but what world is this?

It then strikes Castiel, this just a nightmare, Dean is not dead, he isn’t, he is alright, he is at war, he is ok, he is ok, ok… 

Castiel awakes screaming, panting and covered in sweat, indeed it had been a nightmare, but it had been the worst thing he had ever experienced, he had sometimes thought about the possibility that Dean may never return, but he had never actually pictured it, or seen it come to life the way it did in his dream, not a dream a horrible nightmare. 

He checked his alarm clock, it was three in the morning, he felt so helpless and lonely, it was no surprise he found himself heading for the phone. He didn’t want to bother Sam, but he needed to listen to a familiar voice, and Sam was the closest thing he had to actual family, he was after all his brother-in-law.

Castiel was still panting as hard as ever when Sam answered the phone, he could tell Castiel wasn’t alright, it made Sam worry about him.

“Cas, what’s going on, are you ok?” he asks, trying to sound as calm as possible.

“I uh, I had a horrible nightmare Sam, I dreamt of Dean dying and I’m truly terrified, I didn’t want to be a bother but… I just… I just needed to hear a familiar voice.”

“No dude, there’s no problem, I’ve been having nightmares too, and I honestly don’t tell Jess about them, because I don’t want her to worry.”

“I guess this has affected us more than what we would have expected huh?”

“Yeah, but I mean it’s no surprise, Dean’s at war Cas, he’s not just gone to the other half of the world on vacation or on any business trip, he’s risking his life for this country.”

“For this stupid country, that judges him for loving another man.” Castiel said without hesitation, it had been something that had bugged him from the beginning, people attacked them for loving each other but there was no problem when it came for them to risk everything for the safety of others.

“I know you’re still angry t at that Cas, but the military honestly doesn’t care, it’s about protecting the nation, and it’s an honor to be selected, according to them.”

“So it’s an honor to go get killed at the other side of the world?”

Sam sighed, those words really affected him for obvious reasons, “Let’s forget that for a moment alright? How are you man? Last time we saw you was like two weeks ago, what have you been up to?”

“I’m primarily studying and trying not to let this fucked up war get the best of me, but it’s hard Sam, it’s terribly hard.”

“I understand, believe me, my brother is risking everything. I mean, I would’ve never thought this would happen, he always did what he could to keep me safe, made sure I always had food, a roof over my head, but this? It’s not what he deserves, he doesn’t deserve to be hated for loving you, and he didn’t deserve to go to war, it’s so fucked up man.”

“Well you’ll get to tell him that when he comes home.”

“Yeah, just like you’ll get to tell him how even if he’s not here, you made sure I was being bugged at three in the morning for a confessionary, although you’re usually not dunk.”

Both Castiel and Sam were laughing, it was something they both needed, and they were grateful they had each other for these moments, Sam is glad that Dean found Castiel, because Dean deserves to be happy, and who could make him happier than this man who he was talking to, he who has gained the love and trust of Sam and Jess in less time than anyone else Dean had ever met. Overall, Sam had already learned to see Castiel as a brother, a big smart brother who taught him many things.

“I’m sorry for waking you up Sam, but thanks for listening, I’m gonna try and head to sleep ok?”

“Yeah no problem, any time man, try and rest, I’m betting tomorrow is gonna be a long day for both of us, good night.”

“Goodnight Sam.”

Castiel found himself in silence again, he was less stress out over his dream at least, but none the less he was still shaken by it. He headed back to his room, slowly introducing himself under the covers, he reached out for the pillow and hugged it tightly, imagining it was Dean, because he knew that soon it would be.

A few weeks later, Castiel headed to his school, things had gotten better, although sometimes he was alright, other times he was devastated, but he started groping with the idea that this would be his story until Dean came back, it wasn’t a good settlement, but he had accepted it.

What he couldn’t accept, was what happened next.

It had been a normal morning, nothing out of the ordinary, until the call, it was Rachel on the other line, and it made Castiel feel very excited, he could barely hold back the emotion.

“Rachel? Oh my god, how are you?”

“I’m fine Cas, how about you?”

“I’m even better now that you called! How did you get my number?”

“I did my research.” 

Castiel noticed Rachel’s tone was rather dry, as if she was holding something back.

“Rachel, is everything alright?”

“No Cas, um, dad… had a stroke…he’s dead.”

Suddenly Castiel felt a knot in his stomach, he had no idea how he should react, his father was dead and he didn’t know what to do or say. 

It had been years since Castiel spoke with his father, the last thing he remembered was the night he had told Castiel to leave his home, sending him to northern California to study far away from them, to some place where his queerness didn’t bring shame to the family. His father had been nice enough not to judge him or yell at him, but deep down Castiel understood that his father was ashamed of him.

“Castiel, are you still there?” Rachel asked, her voice was still dry but now somewhat worrisome.

“Yes, I’m still here.” He answered nervously.

“Are you coming to the funeral?” 

“I don’t think that would be wise Rachel, you know how Gabriel and Michael might react, I’m just not ready for a confrontation like that.”

“I understand Castiel, I get that you are still somewhat hurt, and I’m truly sorry, but if you change your mind, it will be next week, here at home. Goodbye.”

She hung up the phone, Castiel was still shocked, his head was spinning, slowly then faster, he found himself on the ground. He was unable to cry, for part of him still had some resentment, but this was his father for Pete’s sake, he could not avoid at least saying his goodbyes. 

But that’s where the problem remained, was he even sure he wanted to say goodbye?

Suddenly Castiel was remembering that horrible day, about 7 years ago, he remembered returning from a friend’s house, to him it had been a good day, but little did he know that it was going to change forever, in the worst way possible.

He was quietly reading his book, not minding what was going on, when suddenly Michael entered the room furiously. He took the book out of Castiel’s hand with anger, Castiel asked him why he had done that, and before he knew it, Michael had punched him with so much rage.

“What is your fucking problem Michael?” Castiel yelled as he got up from the floor.

“Don’t act like you don’t know, you fuckin fagg!” 

Castiel’s eyes widened with horror, “What are you talking about?”

Michael lifted him up with rage, “Like you don’t know.” He let out another punch, “Don’t deny that you like getting screwed Castiel, I know you love it when other guys put their dicks up your ass!”

Castiel pleaded, he begged Michael to stop, but it was useless, Michael was completely furious, he had found out, he knew about Castiel’s homosexuality, and really, there was nothing he could do.

Gabriel pulled them apart, trying to tranquilize Michael, while Castiel fell almost unconscious on the floor, blood was dripping from his forehead and nose, he had gotten it bad.

Rachel ran downstairs and entered the room, she had heard all the commotion, within seconds she was screaming, she reached out to Castiel but Michael gripped her hand.

“What are you doing?” She yelled exasperated.

Gabriel picked Castiel up, he hurt Castiel’s wrists as he lifted him up. 

“He needs stitches! He needs stitches, Gabe get your hands off of him, get daddy! Get daddy to help him, Jesus, he’s bleeding everywhere, can’t you see?!” Rachel kept on yelling trying to free from Michael’s grip. 

Once free, she tried shoving Gabriel away, although it was hopeless, Gabriel had more strength. Michael called in the housekeeper, he made her take Rachel away, her screams could be heard throughout the whole house. 

What happened next still baffles Castiel, the memory of Gabriel stitching him while almost yelling at him, and the shouting from his father who argued with Michael.

“…cause Castiel’s a fucking faggot ok?”

“You had no right to beat up your brother that way!”

“Oh so now you’re defending him? Dad he likes getting fucked by strangers, like some wild animal! Michael shouted.

“Michael!!”

“He’s an abomination!! No better than the dogs that rut each other outside of the drugstore!!”

“Enough Michael!! Get the hell out of my sight before I do something I might regret!!”

Michael gave a gruesome look over at Castiel, with that he left completely furious, Gabriel followed him, barely fixing up Castiel.

Castiel remembers watching his father move about in circles through the living room, he suddenly left, and within about an hour, he was back. Castiel still rested on the couch, sorting out his thoughts and expecting the worst from his father.

“Castiel, we need to talk.”

Those words, even today they still made Castiel shiver, the way he said it, as if someone in his family had died. He guessed that would have been better.

“Castiel, I have arranged you a place at the university of California, somewhere where Michael will not be able to bother you..”

“Are you asking me to leave dad?”

“I just… it would be better for all of us if you left. Rachel can’t be around that sort of thing.”

Castiel eyes were full of tears, he could not believe, yet strangely he knew his father was right.

And now 7 years later, that same man who sent him away, in hopes that the family wouldn’t be mocked due to the queerness of his youngest son, is dead. 

He couldn’t take any more losses, Dean was risking his life in Vietnam, and now his father was gone, why was the world doing this to him?

He tried inhaling as normal as possible, but within seconds he was sobbing, his father was gone, gone for good, and they never emended peace. He now started to realize how much it was actually going to get to him, he wasn’t sure he could do it, and he didn’t have the strength to confront Michael and Gabriel.

Why was he such a loser?

Castiel reached into the kitchen counter, he found a bottle of whiskey, and although Castiel hated getting drunk, this time he knew it would be for the best. First small shots, then giant ones, he eventually finished the whole bottle. He was so dizzy that he went to bed finally, trying to forget it all.

He tried sleeping, he really did. But once again he had nightmares about Dean dying, and if he thought it couldn’t get worse, he began having nightmares of his father, being face to face with the man who told him to leave, it was terrifying for Castiel.

He appeared in the cemetery, everyone wore black, except for Castiel, he wore the exact same clothes as the day his father had asked him to leave, a black cardigan, his white pants and blue sneakers, how he remembered exactly what he was wearing was something that Castiel always wondered. His mind made sure he maintained every detail of that horrible day, what he wore, what he was reading, how his family was dressed and the words that were expressed to him.

His father appeared in front of him, he was completely pale, wearing a black overcoat, and the mere sight of him was enough to scare Castiel, he wanted to say something but he was unable to speak. His voice had disappeared.

“Castiel why will you not come say goodbye to me? I only sent you far away to protect you, I did it for your safety.”

Castiel opened his eyes, he was on the floor, he had woken up, but he was sweating as horrible as ever, he soon began to cry, he didn’t want to leave his father this way, but he just wasn’t prepared to see anyone from his family, not yet, not now.

The next morning, he woke up every early, he could barely fall asleep last night and forcing himself to do it was just completely useless. He played some Elvis records as he made himself some breakfast, his favorite song, Can’t help falling in love played harmoniously through the apartment; it then came to his mind that he hadn’t written a letter for Dean in weeks, he wished to express what was happening.

He took out paper and a pencil, he honestly wished Dean was here to listen to him, though the letters did help and made him lose anxiousness, it was never going to be the same as being actually heard.

 

Dear Dean, 

My father has passed away, Rachel called me yesterday to inform me about it. I honestly don’t know how I am supposed to feel, my mind keeps spinning, remembering everything that had happened years ago, the night my father decided I should leave home.

I would harm Rachel it seemed, for my homosexuality was something unnatural , I still feel miserable that I wasn’t able to see her graduate High school, or see her assist her first prom dance, glowing beautifully in some kind of dress that maybe my father would find inappropriate . 

It hurts many times, but today something else has begun hurting inside, I guess it hurts more than I will admit, I just lost my father, the man I grew up with is gone. I can’t seem to put my mind to believing it just yet, and I feel horrible for deciding not to go to his funeral, I just wouldn’t be able to deal with seeing Gabriel and Michael, and anyone else in the family who feels I have brought shame to them. 

God, I wish you were here, you would tell me what to do, and I could just rest in your arms, crying my heart out to you, knowing you would understand. Because you always understand Dean, it’s just one of the reasons I’m madly in love with you, my sweet baby, I miss you so much.

I feel selfish sometimes, always wanting you here for my own comfort, but I just don’t know what else to do, I have never been religious and praying is something I just can’t come around to, and I know you have never really believed in those things.

I curse myself for letting them take you, I curse myself for not saying goodbye to my father, but more importantly I curse myself for not having the balls to do something about it, instead I am stuck rereading these unsent letters, thinking that maybe if I read them out loud, you could hear them, that maybe you would feel me trying to comfort you. I now get that it’s stupid, but I don’t know what else to do.

I already lost my father, please don’t let me lose you too, come back to me, for I still wait for you, as I always will.

I love you Dean Winchester, I’ll always love you.

Sincerely, 

Castiel

 

And with that he felt like the knot in his throat had somewhat loosened, but overall it was still there. He headed towards the bedroom, before he could even react why he had done it, he was on his knees, his hands joined together, and his eyes closed.

“Please, if you can hear me, tell my father that I love him, that I don’t possess any resentment for asking me to leave home. Tell him that I understand, I am unnatural, maybe I am an abomination, but that doesn’t mean he is to blame for anything. I will miss him dearly, and I just want him to know that.”

He paused and took a deep sigh, he continued.

“And please, take care of Dean, bring him safe to me, I know it’s not something someone like me should ask, but I truly love him, and I don’t know what would become of me if I lost him. Amen”

He took a deep breath before getting up, he headed towards the kitchen to finish his breakfast, a weight was lifted from him in that moment, though he still felt some pain.

September 1971

School started again, summer hadn’t been that much fun, his friends had invited Castiel to the beach many times, but right now, that was the last place he wanted to be. Months had gone by and he was always so worried about Dean. It felt like the world was conspiring against him, every time he felt everything would be ok, there would be a special bulletin that informed him of another major disaster over at the war. 

Thankfully for him, Sam had been visiting more often, it helped distract both their minds from everything. But it seemed as the war would not let them forget about its existence. So they made sure that every time they visited each other, there would be no newspaper, no television and no radio, they didn’t need that negativity, not right now at least. 

In a few days Castiel would return to school, and the school pressure might be enough to keep his mind busy, so he was ultimately looking forward to attending. Besides, he hadn’t had any more nightmares that involved Dean, so he was sure that he was ok, or at least that’s what he kept telling himself. 

A few days later, and Castiel found himself heading towards school, his mind focused on getting the best grades and learning everything he could. 

As he arrived, he noticed the huge ball of people organized outside of the university’s campus, they held huge signs with messages such as; IF IT WERE YOUR BROTHER, WOULD YOU ALLOW HIM TO GO?, YOU CAN’T FEED THE POOR, BUT YOU FUND A WAR? 

It gained Castiel’s attention immediately, he decided to investigate what was going on, as he approached the crowd a tall man met up in front of him. 

“Hello there friend,” He sounded British, and good looking if Castiel would admit it.

“Hello, um excuse me…?”

“Balthazar.” He said with a smile reaching out to sake Castiel’s hand, Castiel shook it.

“Hello Balthazar, my name is Castiel, what is all of this?”

“Well Castiel, this right here is the protest group, we can no longer accept that our fellow brothers go off to the war every day, some of them are brothers, others are fathers, husbands or sons, and we can no longer allow more and more people to be taken off.”

Something lit inside Castiel, he liked Balthazar’s attitude, and his sportiness and cheerful ways were in the right place.

“Do you have any one fighting at the war in this moment?” Balthazar asked instantly.

“As a matter a fact, a great friend of mine is over there right as we speak, and both his brother and I, we just can’t rest peacefully, not as long as he is over there.”

Balthazar gave a concerned face to Castiel, he places a hand over his shoulder and smiled tenderly. 

“Well, you’ve met the right people Castiel, we are heading after school to do a silent protest through the streets, would you like to accompany us?”

“I am not really sure about that, you see I…” Castiel tried saying.

“Look Castiel,” Balthazar interrupted 

“Call me Cas.” Castiel said grinning.

Balthazar huffed a small laugh, “Alright Cas, listen I know it’s hard, I’ve had good friends head out to that horrible war, some unfortunately haven’t made it,” he paused and took a deep sigh, “but if we unite and protests, we could avoid more young innocent lives being dragged away from those who love them. What do you say Cas, would you join me, join us?” 

Castiel thought about it for a moment, something about all this made him feel insecure, yet it felt right, “Of course, I would love to.” He said softly. 

“Perfect my friend , I will see you in a couple of hours.” Balthazar hugged Castiel, and with that left off and headed towards the crowd, meanwhile Castiel headed for his classroom.

His mind was completely focused on the class, although in between moments he would drift off, something about Balthazar’s confidence made Castiel feel safe about Dean, he had felt completely useless during the last months, but if he could do something about it, anything actually that would avoid more innocent boys head off to that terrible war, then he would do it. 

Castiel couldn’t wait for the hours to pass by, this is what he needed, something more than just feeling sorry for himself, something more.

Finally school ended and Castiel headed off running through the halls, he caught up with Balthazar who was already organizing everyone outside.

He smiled when he saw Castiel, “Why hello there Cas, so glad that you’ll join us.”

“Of course Balthazar, what do you need me to do?”

“Well this is a silent protest, so all you and I will be doing, is holding signs while we walk down the main streets of the town. The idea is not to create riots, rather to make people understand that our silence represents our fallen brothers, and the inevitable consequences of heading to war.”

Something about the way Balthazar said fallen brother, made Castiel feel a bit nervous, but he tried to calm himself down, Dean was alright, and he would come back to him, just like they promised. 

“Alright,” Castiel said, “let’s do this.”

“That’s the spirit Cas!” Balthazar said excitedly.

Once they were all settled, they headed off, Castiel carried a sign that read; IN A WAR, NO ONE REALLY WINS. It was perfect, for Castiel knew it was true, it was the message he believed, and he was actually feeling good about participating in this protest. No more people deserved to go to the war, no more families deserved to suffer knowing that their sons, husbands, or even fathers, are out there, risking everything for their country.

The day was very calm, it wasn’t a hot afternoon, the climate was tolerable and the atmosphere wasn’t as heavy as Castiel imagined it would be. Sure, they were representing the people who had died at war, but the idea was actually a good one, it showed others that the consequences of war were never actually of any nation winning, lives were sacrificed for the “good” of society. 

Maybe it was also the fact that Castiel felt good for a change, no longer was he waiting for someone to comfort him, he knew now he could do something useful to help others understand what wars actually do to them, to show them that it doesn’t have to tear apart families, that they shouldn’t allow anyone else to go suffer just because of a good paycheck and defending their patriarchy.

The protest finally ended, everyone said their goodbyes, and thought about meeting Monday for more protest runs. It had been somewhat of a success, many people had approached them for information on what was happening, and that was a good start.

Balthazar caught up with Castiel as everyone left, “So, what did you think about your first protest?” he asked kindly.

“Well, it was something completely new, thank you for convincing into doing this Balthazar, allow to invite you to this really good Chinese restaurant, it’s not far away from here.”

“I’d be delighted to accompany you Cas.” 

They headed off, on the way, Balthazar told Castiel a bit about himself.

“I’m an anthropology major, I decided it would be quite interesting to understand the way human relationships work in different types of environments, I’ve been inspired not only by other Anthropologists, but by sociologist, philosophers and even psychologists.”

“Wow, outstanding!” Castiel said amused.

“What about you Cas? Tell me what it’s like to study medicine.” Balthazar asked.

“Well, there’s a lot of reading, believe me, a lot of reading, you have to keep a good memory of many things. But overall, the outcome of knowing you are going to help others in the future, is amazing.”

Balthazar gave Castiel a shy smile, it only made Castiel blush.

They kept talking about what they all wanted to do in the future, when they arrived at the Chinese restaurant. They both sat down and continued talking, when Balthazar asked about Dean. 

“So Cas, tell me about this friend who’s over at the war.”

“What would you like to know?”

“Well, I can tell you are very fond of him.”

“Indeed, he is… an amazing friend.”

“Just a friend?” Balthazar asked intrigued.

“Uh yes, a very good friend, why do you ask so suspiciously?”

“Cas my friend,” Balthazar held Castiel’s hand, “I know you are gay.”

“What are you talking about Balthazar?”

“Cas you don’t have to lie to me, I simply know. I mean I have to I too am gay, so it kinda makes it obvious for me to know who is and isn’t.”

Castiel was somewhat shocked ta Balthazar’s confession, he had never met any other guy who was gay and willingly told it to him, besides Dean of course. He wanted to say something, but he didn’t know how to react.

Balthazar smiled kindly towards Castiel, “You can trust me Cas, tell me about your boyfriend.”

It felt strange and different, knowing he had made a new friend, not just any friend, one that would truly understand what he was going through.

“Well, he’s actually my husband, his name is Dean and he’s one of the best persons I have ever known…”

And just like that, Castiel begun telling Balthazar everything, when they met, how they fell in love, the trip to the beach and him going off to war.

It felt amazing for Castiel, knowing Balthazar truly understood everything, and the way he would comfort Castiel whenever he felt like crying, was truly helpful.

“…and I’ve written letters to him whenever I have the opportunity, although I don’t send them because we promised we wouldn’t send anything. But I write them to help calm me, it’s my own way of letting the feelings take their course and allowing myself to feel better.”

“Wow Cas, I had no idea you had gone through so much. You do not need to worry about anything, Dean is going to comeback, safe and sound just like he said he would.”

The afternoon had never felt so peaceful to Castiel, for once he was actually admiring the afternoon, thinking about how beautiful the colors of the sky turned as the sun set behind the hills. 

After they finished their food, Balthazar thanked Castiel, walked him home and invited him to join in on the silent protests that were planned for the whole week, Castiel accepted kindly, he was actually very excited about the idea.

Once inside his home, Castiel felt the urge to write a letter, the idea of making sure others don’t fall for this injustice and have to be sent away from their families, was exciting for Castiel, he knew this was something good, something great actually.

He began to write down his letter, barely holding his excitement.

Dear Dean,

OH how the months pass by, I can perfectly see you and me holding hands by the beach, imagining our future life together, growing old and grumpy side by side. It’s the fondest memory I possess, but soon we will create even better ones, I know it to be true.

Guess what happened today? I met a young man named Balthazar, he is just like you and me, a man who loves other men, I joined his group of protests, I will be helping others in making sure no more innocent lives have to be taken out by that horrible war. 

It is truly exciting, and I cannot deny that this is probably what I need for some time now, a way of helping other people, a way of helping myself. This will help keep my mind off those stupid ideas of you not coming back. 

You are coming back, and when that happens, I am going to tell you about everything, how we organized the protests, if we ever got in trouble, maybe even arrested, though I truly hope not. And I want you to meet Balthazar, it will be amazing to have a friend who actually understands us, who knows the struggles you and I go through every day.

Now I just wished time went by even faster, so I could hug and kiss you like I have wanted to everyday for the last months, oh please come home soon.

I love you, and I will be writing about everything that happens with the protests, please be careful, please.

I love you now and always, until death do us part.

Sincerely,

Castiel Winchester, your husband.

 

A few weeks later, Castiel found himself immerse with the protest group, they were heading from one side of the town to another, always raising awareness of what the war actually meant, how they were doing worse than actually improving , and overall helping open other people’s eyes to the truth.

Balthazar was an amazing friend, he stood side by side with Castiel all the time, giving him the confidence to through with all of this. Castiel had enough trust towards Balthazar, that he showed him the letters he wrote for Dean. Balthazar kept on encouraging him to write more letters, and to feel better about himself.

Truthfully he had never felt more useful, this along with school, was giving Castiel a new type of confidence, one he had gained all by himself, and it was amazing. And from this point on until Dean was safe and sound in his arms, he wouldn’t abandon the protests, not until Dean’s with him. 

Only a few more months left and finally Dean would be here, finally.

The protests were pacific in its majority of actions, and rarely created any type of problems, although there were some moments in which certain tension was made between protestors and the police, but nothing too big.

Sam tried many times to make Castiel stop attending to the protests; he was scared for Castiel’s safety. It felt nice to know someone was worried about him, but Castiel made sure Sam knew that the protests were pacific, he didn’t lie to him, and he told him about one or two times when there were certain problems, but nothing to worry about.

It was like this for many months, silent protests, a bit of a riot here and there but nothing big. And then suddenly, time just flew by, before Castiel knew it, it was June, and that meant Dean was coming home. He was finally coming home.

June 1972

The empty bed, it no longer felt empty, it now beheld a spot to where his loved one would rest beside him, like he should have for the last year 

The excitement didn’t allow Castiel to sleep, he was nervous, completely nervous for seeing him. He didn’t know what to do until Sam picked him up to go to the airport, so he decided he would write one last letter, the final one. 

His hand trembled for some strange reason, it didn’t make sense, but this was a moment of closure, it was the final one of those somewhat torturous letters Castiel had been writing for over more than a year. 

He began writing, he didn’t realize until it was written, but for the first time ever since he began writing, he never once wrote the date on any of the letters. And yet this one had the date June 16th 1972, proudly written on it. 

Maybe it was because this was the date Dean came back to him, a moment he would want to remember in the future, unlike the other letters, this one isn’t hurting at all, because it’s in some ways a new beginning and it’s one Castiel is completely looking forward to. 

So he began…

Dear Dean,

The day is here, and I still cannot believe it, you will finally be by my side, you can’t imagine just how hard I am trying not to cry, but I can’t help it, you were gone for so many months, for over more than a year and I just can’t act as if it was nothing.

I suffered of nightmares, stress, depression, and as much as I tried, it never completely went away, because you were not here. Because a feeling of doubt was killing me, almost like telling me you weren’t going to come back.

I guess sometimes I felt like I was being selfish, because I kept wanting you here for me, but I was never going to be able to be perfectly ok for myself, knowing you were risking everything. Now the only risk I want in our life is us, nothing else my true love.

Listening to your voice is the only thing I want, the only thing I need right now and forever. Something I’ll need until we’re old and grumpy and still madly in love with one another, I can imagine t almost perfectly, and I’m sure you do too.

This is where the letter ends, because truly, everything else I want to tell you, I need to do it in person. Because no writing will ever be able to show the way I feel.

Just a few more hours my dear husband, I love you.

Sincerely, Castiel Winchester

 

He played Elvis, Can’t help falling in love with you, it had become a form of a lullaby, one which helped him throughput the last months, and now it was once again their song, he couldn’t wait to play it with Dean. His favorite song, because he loved songs that were about love, and in this case that was all he needed. 

He sang along to Elvis out loud, never had he felt so much joy.

“For I can’t help falling in love with you…” 

The honking outside his apartment startled him, he looked outside the window, Sam and Jess were calling him, it was time.

He ran to his room to hide the last envelope, then he ran for his coat and headed out, as soon as he was outside he jumped inside the tuck, Sam and Jess laughed at how fast he had arrived.

“You excited Cas?” Sam teased.

“Only slightly a lot.” Castiel responded.

“Oh my god, you look so cute and nervous!” Jess said excitedly.

The three of them just laughed, they were all excited, they were all nervous, and it was a normal feeling, Dean was finally coming home.

Sam took one last look at Castiel and Jess and then smiling, started the car and headed off.

Castiel was nervous, he hoped Dean would recognize him as the man he once loved, but he knew that’s what would happen, it was all gonna be okay from now, definitely.

May 18th 2026

“Just a few more hours my husband, I love you.” Jo read out loud.

The room was silent, everyone who was there was completely quiet, not knowing precisely what to say, that was until Ashley spoke up.

“Who would have thought that, in Castiel’s mind everything was gonna be different, I don’t he ever expected for Dean to leave.”

Jo hated that Ashley was right, her grandpa really hurt him, and he went through a lot, but so did Grandpa Dean, the man risked his life at war for Pete’s sake, but that didn’t change the fact that what happens next is always horrible.

“Dear, are those all the letters?” Grandma Lisa asked kindly.

“No grandma, there are worse to come.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in case you are wondering, in my mind these are who I think resemble some of the characters  
> Jo-Bridgit Mendler  
> Ashley- a young Annaliese Van Der pol  
> Richard-Chase crawford  
> Erica - Courtney Cox  
> Ben- Josh HUpkins  
> Abigail-Kate hudson  
> Jake-Davis Cleveland (young)  
> SO far those are on my mind, if you guys a suggestion, let me know


	10. Will I see you then?

August 1972

It was hard time for both Castiel and Dean, Dean had changed completely, he would spend his mornings sleeping and his afternoons getting drunk. It was a difficult moment, but Castiel was still optimistic, he loved Dean, and he wouldn’t let something like this ruin what they still had. Hester and her warnings couldn’t do it, the war couldn’t either, and this was simply something else they would both overcome.

Something inside him felt as if things would change soon enough, he tried to relax as he headed home, stressing over it was useless at this point. 

He wasn’t surprised by the silence of the apartment as he entered it, he wasn’t surprised by the empty bed in his room, and he wouldn’t be surprised if Dean arrived drunk at late hours of the night. All he did was sigh, and settle to wait for him.

The hours passed, Castiel eventually fell asleep, when he woke up, he noticed Dean had not yet arrived, something that made him feel a sensation of unsettlement invaded. He got up and headed for his room, the darkness he expected to see from his room was replaced with a shy light that escaped the closet door, he approached it with caution, as if it was some sort of dangerous animal waiting to attack him. 

He opened the closet door, only to find it was mostly empty, Dean’s shirts were gone, all of them, Castiel felt a horrible sensation run through his body, he ran to check underneath the bed, Dean’s shoes were all gone as well, the drawers he checked last, empty as well. Castiel tried to think that maybe Dean had simply moved his things, but as he removed all his clothes from the closet with horrible desperation, he realized that he was gone, Dean had left the apartment, Dean had left him…

He stood there, observing the clothes scattered along the floor, “Wake up,” he repeated to himself, “this is a nightmare.”

He hoped it was one of those terrible nightmares, the ones that made him wake up at three in the morning covered in sweat, the ones that made him call Sam to reassure himself that Dean was ok and would come back to him. Unfortunately, reality sunk in, and he understood that this was actually happening. 

That night, the bed felt emptier than it ever had, this time, the promise of Dean coming back to him was shattered, because he understood that he wasn’t going to come back. 

Castiel cried himself to sleep, it was the worst night of his life.

The next morning he awoke, restless and panting, part of him hoping that it had all been a nightmare, hoping that maybe Dean was already on the couch watching television. But the truth was, Dean was now gone. The apartment had been empty before, but this time, it was emptier, it was now drowned by a painful promise that would never come true, for Dean was gone, forever.

He reached the phone, his hands trembled as he marked Sam’s number, maybe Sam knew where he was, maybe he would feel pity for Castiel and actually tell him where Dean had went, maybe… 

“Hello?” Sam answered.

“Hi Sam… it’s me... Castiel… I um… Dean’s… gone…”

“I know Cas, Bobby called to tell me a few moments ago.”

“Do you know… where he went?” Castiel’s voice broke completely as he tried finishing his question.

“I don’t…”

“Oh, well… thank you…I’ll leave you…”

“Cas, wait!” Sam interrupted him.

“Yes?”

“He’s an asshole! OK? You don’t deserve this! I honestly don’t believe he did this to you! I just can’t!”

“Thank you for worrying, Sam, but everything will be alright…” Castiel lied.

“No, it’s not! You gave everything for him, you suffered throughout the whole time ha was at war, you patiently stayed by his side and this is how he repays you?!”

Castiel broke into tears, he had hoped they would have stopped by now, but it was inevitable, for he still missed Dean. “I just want him… to come back to me…” he said in between tears.

“Cas… I…”

“No, Sam! You have school and work to worry about, you don’t have to feel obligated to interfere.” He said as he wiped his tears.

“I just, I’m so sorry Cas.” 

“Thanks, Sam.”

And with that, Castiel hung up the phone, the tears still ran down his cheeks, they were not going to stop now, and Castiel wasn’t sure what to do. He fell on his knees, feeling such impotence, feeling such pain, it was something he never thought he would encounter, at least not again.

Afternoon arrived sooner than expected, and Castiel sill remained in the same spot, he was still on his knees, only he was no longer crying, now he simply stared at the floor, trying to put together what had happened, but not actually getting anywhere.

Around four in the afternoon, the phone rang, Castiel answered with such a rush, hoping it was Dean, and again he was let down, it was Balthazar.

“Good afternoon darling, how’s my favorite future doctor.”

“Balthazar…” 

Within less than an hour Balthazar was knocking at Castiel’s door, when Castiel responded, he jumped into Balthazar’s arms and cried even more intensely than before, all Balthazar could do was try to calm him down.

“Shh, it’s alright Cas, everything is alright.”

“He’s gone, he left, he left me.”

“Shh, please Castiel, don’t cry.”

Castiel lost track of time, locked in Balthazar’s arms, it could have been maybe three or four hours, but truthfully, Castiel didn’t even care. It was as if part of him was starting to give up on everything, Dean had become his whole world, and now that world has shattered in front of him.

Castiel finally let go of Balthazar’s embrace, he headed into the kitchen, looking for something he now needed, a bottle of whiskey hidden deeply in the depths of the kitchen drawers, he poured himself a glass and drank all in one sip.

Balthazar said nothing, what could he possibly say? Castiel was destroyed, and although it wasn’t the best of solutions, maybe getting drunk was what he needed right now, he needed to forget in some way.

At least an hour went by before Balthazar stopped Castiel’s impulsive drinking, he was surprised when Castiel relentlessly gave up the bottle, at least that was a relief. 

“Cas, I think you should go to bed.”

“No… ‘m fine… everythin‘s good…” he was too drunk to even speak rationally. 

Balthazar took him to his bedroom, Castiel didn’t move the moment he saw the bed, he simply stood there, forcing himself against Balthazar who tried making him enter the bedroom.

“Bal, I think I want to sleep on the couch tonight.” He finally said.

Balthazar simply nodded, he helped Castiel accommodate himself on the couch, Castiel began removing his clothing once he was settled down, it was hard for Balthazar not to watch, he knew it wasn’t right, Dean had just left him, but Balthazar had felt this way towards Castiel for so long.

“Do you want me to stay, Cassy?”

“No thank you, I don’t want to be a bother for you.”

“Oh… perfect then.” Balthazar lied. 

Balthazar stood by Castiel, until he was certain he was asleep, as he kissed Castiel on the cheek he was very much tempted to kiss him on the lips, but he controlled himself.

He quietly exited the apartment, leaving a passed out Castiel on the couch, hoping that maybe tomorrow he would feel better, wishing he would soon stop suffering, but honestly, that seemed rather farfetched at this moment.

The next morning, Castiel awoke, his head pounded, he felt as if it were about to explode, he understood he had maybe taken his drinking a bit too far, but he needed it. Slowly, as he regained his consciousness and reality sunk in, his mind regained focus on why he had been drinking, Dean being gone.

He had actually considered not going to either work or school, and getting drunk again, what did it matter now? It’s not like anyone was left to care about him, sure there was Balthazar, but it was not the same.

His thoughts were interrupted by the phone, it rang loudly, making his headache increase, but he ignored his pounding head, and rushed to the phone, hoping that maybe Dean had come to his senses and was calling to apologize, “I’m sorry”, he would say, “I’m coming back, baby.” But Castiel never got what he wanted, this time was no exception. 

“Good morning, Darling, how do you feel?” It was Balthazar, something in his voice soothed Castiel.

“Hello, Balthazar, I am okay, although my head pounds hardly against my skull.” 

“Well, you did finish a whole bottle of liquor all by yourself, it’s actually not a surprise.”

Castiel knew he was right, was he now going to become some type of alcoholic, would he fall in the same steps Dean fell? That was an irrational thought, Castiel was not an alcoholic and he would not become one, that wasn’t him.

“I’m fine Bal, would you mind coming over before we head to school?”

“I’d be delighted.”

Balthazar didn’t hesitate, he was there before Castiel was even finished taking a shower, Castiel opened the door rapidly, his hair and clothes were wet, making Balthazar laugh at the sheer sight.

“You know that letting your hair that wet can cause pneumonia or something like that?” Balthazar teased.

“Yes, I know, Dean always said the same…” The harsh silence invaded the room, it was still hard for Castiel, and it was going to be that way for a very long time, yet it was still hard to understand.

Months went by before anyone could even notice, some nights were good, others were pure torture for Castiel, sometimes Balthazar would accompany him, other times he was completely alone, it was those nights that felt like everything would be far from perfect. It was even worse, when he decided to exclude everyone he met because of Dean from his life, the last time he spoke with Sam, he told him it would be best if they had their distance, but Sam didn’t agree.

“Cas, c’mon, dude, you’re still like a brother to me, don’t do this.”

Castiel was holding back the tears, “I’m sorry, Sam, it’s just, how could I bare with it, when you remind me so much of him.”

Sam felt horrible, but knew Castiel was right, he simply sighed, “If that’s how you feel, Cas, then I’ll accept it, just don’t forget, Jess and I will always be here if you need us, okay?”

“Thank you Sam, I appreciate that very much.” And with that he hung up the phone, he knew it would be the last time he ever spoke with Sam again, and that made him feel guilty, but it was the only way… the only way.

One day, Balthazar invited Castiel for lunch, they went to a small café, it seemed like an ordinary day at first, but that would change, especially after Balthazar’s proposal.

“I can’t do that. What if he comes back and I'm not there?" Castiel exclaimed, moving out of the apartment, could he possibly abandon the last thing that connected himself to Dean?

“Darling, you know he’s not coming back…” Balthazar said, he continued saying something about the place having bad vibes, but all Castiel could think of was the probability of never going back to his home, their home…

"I can't," Cas sighed, “Where will I go?” Castiel knew though, he knew Balthazar would propose his home. He considered it for a moment. Balthazar did live close to campus, and there would no longer be lonely nights, he wouldn’t have to be feel alone all the time. Of course the idea of leaving that place, where he and Dean grew stronger together, it was painful, but he understood it was necessary.

“Yes, I guess, that would be nice.”

It only took about three days before everything was packed, he would move in with Balthazar that same day, he was actually going to do this. He went into his room one last time and headed directly to the bed, he pulled a box out from underneath, that box that hid every single letter he had written to Dean during the war, he had considered burning them all, but he couldn’t.

Balthazar arrived, they spent the afternoon boxing up what was left, and carrying them towards the car. Castiel hadn’t had a good laugh in a long time, he was grateful to have a friend like Balthazar. By the end of that day, the only things that remained in that apartment were the furniture, and the turntable, Balthazar helped pack it, along with the records. Then, there was nothing else, Balthazar told him that is finished, that now they could leave.

Castiel held all his records in a box held into his arm, but there was still one album in his hand, the Hawaiian print on Elvis Presley’s shirt, it had never seemed so colorful. For a moment, Castiel went back to that day, when Dean arrived for the first time to his apartment, when they had noodles for lunch, when they fit like a puzzle embraced towards each other, and just like that, it was all gone..

“Darling!” Balthazar called, “Coming!” Castiel yelled. He headed for the door, he halted as he exited, slowly looking back, it all seemed so dull now, the furniture, the floor, the kitchen, everything. If he hadn’t already cried all that he could, he would be balling, the memories that were made here, now they were simply that, memories. He finally made his head spin around the fact, that this was good, it was a new beginning, Dean would still be a part of him, always, and so would this crappy apartment, for he still loved it. He still loved-

No, expressing it wouldn’t change anything, it never did.

“See you then…” was all he said, as he shut that door, forever.

The road towards Balthazar’s home was quiet, it wasn’t a maddening silence, it actually felt necessary for once, and now hopefully, that would be the last time he had to suffer any type of annoying silence.

They reached Balthazar’s home, it was still hard to understand that it was now their home, for he still couldn’t get used to it, but he would, he had to. 

Balthazar showed Castiel to his new room, it was small, but it was all he needed, he placed his turntable on another small table near his bed, before he unpacked, he decided that some music would be good to accompany him, he didn’t do it consciously, but the record of Elvis in the Hawaiian shirt somehow ended being played. The only thing invading his mind now, was that Dean could dig Elvis, he always could. 

He erased that thought from his mind, and decided to finish packing without music, it probably bothered Balthazar anyway. He finished faster than what he thought he would, and exited out to Balthazar’s living room. It was strange, having there be someone outside awaiting him, “Hello…” Castiel said slowly.

“Oh, Cas.” Balthazar said surprised, “I didn’t want to bother you, but I’ve made some dinner, if you’d like some.”

“Yes, that would very lovely.” Castiel smiled at him. 

He headed into the kitchen and served himself some dinner, Balthazar accompanied him before he even finished eating. 

“So I know that you don't have class tomorrow, and neither do I, so did you want to do anything?" Balthazar said cheerfully, he was doing his best at making Castiel feel welcomed, and Castiel appreciated that.

"Get settled." Castiel had finished most of the unpacking already, but he still wasn’t ready to take another step, not yet at least.

"Take as long as you need, Cassy.” Balthazar kissed Castiel on the forehead, and headed back to the living room, leaving Castiel alone. 

Castiel simply closed his eyes, and finished eating.

It was late at night, Castiel turned from one side of the bed to the other , he was restless, but how couldn’t he be, he was no longer in his bed, he was no longer in his apartment, in his home. He understood how bad it sounded, he was being ungrateful, Balthazar had been nothing but an amazing friend, and Castiel kept on complaining. Still, nothing had ever prepared him for this, for leaving everything he once loved, but then again, it was what he loved the most that hurt him.

He turned on the light, heading for the closet, he reached in to retrieve his box, the box that held each and every one of the letters he had written for Dean, he had lost count of how many there were, silly him, he actually thought they would someday read them…

Castiel didn’t quite understand why he did what he did next, but when he least expected it, he had already written down, Dear Dean... Writing those letters during the war had been a way to get through it all, maybe writing one down now, could help him make it through this. He began writing rapidly, he had so much to say, so much to express, he was crying again, he hadn’t cried in many days, but now, it seemed ok to do it, and it was a good thing.

 

Dear Dean,

Why? Why did you do this to me? Why did you have to leave me like this? I know the past year was nothing but torture and painful to you, but all I ever did was try and help you through it. I never gave up on us, because throughout the years I had understood that together we were invincible, how stupid was I for believing any of that nonsense. 

I had never gotten what I wanted in life, why would that changed now? It obviously made no sense at all, how could I actually be happy? Why on earth did Castiel, the faggot, the family’s most humiliated member, think he could actually have something or someone that made him feel loved? Pathetic.

But then you came along, and actually made me feel worth something, for that I hate you, because you built me up and then tumbled me down. You were the reason I gained actual hope, confidence, but now you’ve taken that away from me, you’ve taken everything away!

I hate that I still need you Dean Winchester, I hate that I can’t wake up at night without shivering or crying, that I can no longer speak with Sam and Jess because of you, because it feels wrong to do so, I hate it all.

But as I much as I try, the one thing I cannot hate, is you Dean, for I still love you, I still need you, I need to feel safe in your arms again, to feel your skin, to hear the way your heart beats as I rest my head on your chest. I need to feel that warm embrace again, to feel your strong arms protecting me from that outside world. But now, that is where I am, once again I am in that outside world, the one that has always tried to put me down, and I fear that without you, it will consume me, pulling me down until I can’t take it anymore.

The day is now longer than ever, I miss you more than I ever have, but at the same time I cannot understand why you left.

I know this letter sounds more than desperate, but how else can I express what I feel in these moments, how else can I shake off these instants of desperation, how do I erase the last years of my life, how? It isn’t possible, I cannot and do not want to forget you or all of the marvelous things we did together, the night we met, the day you first visited me, our trip to the beach, the Christmas party, our afternoons together, I cannot erase such wonderful memories. 

But then I wonder, how am I supposed to erase this pain? I really want to stop suffering, I honestly do, but I just can’t.

I’ll try to start out slow, beginning with this letter, I will try to forget you Dean, I will try to erase the things that make me hold on to you, I swear it. I know that it sounds rather stupid on my behalf, because I do not know if I will ever stop loving you, or if I will ever see you again. But maybe the circumstances will play in my favor, so I will not say goodbye, I will simply gesture to see you then, whenever time may allow it, and whenever I can confront you without fear, and with a feeling of freedom in my heart.

So I will see you then, Dean.

I promise it,

Castiel

 

Castiel’s hand trembled as he lowered his pen, his eyes were soaking wet, and his heart pounded intensively against his chest, he knew that he wouldn’t completely do as promised, but he would try, oh he would try. 

May 19th 2026  
Jo stumbled against everyone in the halls, she wasn’t paying any attention to where she was headed, and she couldn’t care less, everything was starting to bother her, it had been nearly a month, a whole month since she had found those stupid letters, and all she had accomplished since then , was making people cry, and making her own grandma feel horrible knowing she preferred searching for Castiel.

Of course she wasn’t sure about that last part, Grandma Lisa seemed to be happy helping out, she wants this as much as Jo did, but now it didn’t feel right. Jo felt as if she was pulling everyone she loved into this mess, she could’ve simply kept quiet, she could’ve simply ignored that darn trophy and never bother opening it. 

But she didn’t, and that’s why they’re here, in this predicament, trying to do something that she now noticed to be impossible, helping the dead? Since when was she even a believer of that sort of thing?

She was so caught up in her own thoughts, that she ignored her worried friend now walking rapidly by her side.

“Jo?” Ashley asked nervously.

Jo simply sighed and stopped walking, “What is it, Ashley?”

“Are you alright? Ever since you got back home form your granduncle’s house, you’ve seemed depressed, I thought you were now better than ever. You know, team Destiel ‘s been making great progress, we’ve managed so much more than what we thought we would.”  
“What have we accomplished, Ashley?” Jo didn’t mean to sound offensive, but she was frustrated, “All we’ve done is visit some guys tomb, and read out sad letters, ones being read after this guy’s death, and the others written for the same dead guy.”

“That dead guy has a name, his name is Castiel.” Ashley remarked, she too felt frustrated, “Listen, I get it, it hurts not knowing what to do, you feel like your betraying your grandma, you feel like this is all on you. But guess what Jo, you are not alone, you have me, you have your grandma, and your granduncles, and you now have Richard, you’re not alone, and your never gonna be alone during this moment, or any other in the future.”

“How do you even say that with such sureness?” Jo asked angrily, she simply stared at Ashley, who couldn’t even respond, which only reassured what she had said. And with that she left off, uncertain of anything.

“Because… “ Ashley hesitated, what could she say, suddenly, it hit her, “I’ve found myself, and with it I’ve found that confidence I grew the moment we met, one that shows me I am never alone, that I can never be alone…”

Jo stopped, her heart sunk at those words, they weren’t Ashley’s words, they were Castiel’s.

“You know who said that, right?” Ashley asked.

Jo couldn’t say answer her, she was struck by the words, Castiel had written them, on the day he visited his sister for her wedding, less than two years before…

“Johanna!” Ashley yelled, making Jo exist her trance and reenter reality. “Please, I need my best friend to be here with me, I know, it’s tuff and it’s painful, and maybe we might not actually help two dead people find each other in the afterlife, but won’t have come this far just to give up.”

“I’m sorry, I just, I just feel so miserable…” Jo hugged her best friend, shedding tears as she embraced her. Everyone felt that way, where would they found answer? All they have are the letters.

June 1975

San Francisco was nothing like Castiel imagined, he knew it was more accepting and had a different vibe from California, but this was something completely different. Gay couples walked freely through the streets. Of course some people turned their heads when they walked by, but they didn’t say or do anything to offend them. Castiel was filled with amazement, he was completely caught off-guard, so when Balthazar held his hand he conclusively jumped.

“Darling, it’s okay, calm down.” Balthazar said soothingly, giving him a kiss.

They had been sleeping together for nearly two months, Castiel sometimes had a hard time remembering why it had finally happened, but overall, he knew the reason.

He had gone to the park one afternoon, things had gotten better for some time now, he was accepting the life changes that had come to him, it seemed rather easy to just let life go on, although he did have his moments of doubts and pain. 

Castiel would walk it off, the pain, the memories, everything, many times he managed to do it without effort, other times it took more than just walking, but that rarely happened anymore.

Children played happily through the park, couples showed their love, and old people read, it was a beautiful afternoon and Castiel wouldn’t deny it. He was at peace, and he loved it when that happened.

A figure passed by through the crowd, his leather jacket made him stand out from the rest, his back facing Castiel, making his heart drop, could it be? Castiel breathing began to get heavier, his palms trembled, his impulse took over and made him run after the man. 

“Dean?” Castiel asked as he approached him.

The man turned around, it wasn’t Dean, “Can I help you?” he asked, confused.

“Oh, pardon me, I thought you were someone else.” Castiel faked a smile and walked away.

After that, Castiel can barely remember what had happened, he remembered being at a bar, he remembered ordering beer, then he was home, and he had the urge to forget Dean, which is why he asked Balthazar to touch him, he needed to be touched by someone else, he needed to feel wanted.

Ever since that day, things had been completely different, Balthazar and Castiel had hid it off, they were confident together, and it was nice to feel loved, but deep down, Castiel still longed for Dean.

As they walked the streets of San Francisco, Castiel noticed a group of hippies, flower children, Balthazar would call them, they seemed to be having the time of their lives, it was really enchanting to Castiel.

A young woman approached them, “Hey man, how are you two love birds on this neat day?” 

Castiel could note she was somewhat stoned, but she grabbed his attention almost immediately, he extended his hand to salute her.

“Hi there, I’m Castiel and this is my boyfriend Balthazar.”

She shook his hand gracefully, “That’s far out man, I’m Meg.”

“Well it was nice meeting you, Meg, but Castiel and I have to go now.” Balthazar said, he really felt something wrong about Meg.

“That’s a bummer, dude, hope to see you soon, if you ever need me I’ll be honkin’ around here.” She said as she pointed to the collection of old Volkswagen Kombis near the beach.

Balthazar pulled Castiel away from Meg, he barely said goodbye, “See you around, Meg.” He managed to say.

“Why were so mean?” Castiel asked once they were at their new home, “Meg was just trying to be greeting.”

“She’s a part of hose damn flower children, they do nothing but get drunk and high every day, I don’t want that kind of influence on you…” Balthazar’s voice got higher, which made Castiel seem unease, making Balthazar feel guilty, “Darling, it’s just… after everything you’ve gone through, they could lead through the wrong path…”

“Balthazar,” Castiel kissed him slightly, smiling as he did, “I promise you that won’t happen, we’ve already been through so much.”

Balthazar hugged Castiel, he kissed him passionately, it felt right.

“Alright, let’s finish unpacking shall we?”

It took a few hours, but they managed to finish everything, Castiel was almost done organizing their closet, when he found the box that held his records, he dug through them, making sure Balthazar wasn’t watching him. After a few moments of searching, he found the box, the shoe box that held the letters, he hadn’t written one in over two years, that was a victory of some sort. But he still kept every one of them, that itself was the biggest evidence that he still missed Dean.

He shook his head and threw the box into the corner of the closet, it was something he need to forget for now.

Days passed by, Balthazar had begun working in a nearby community college, teaching other students everything he knew about anthropology, it made Castiel feel happy for him. Castiel was also working, he had gotten a job in a record shop, it was practically the best job ever.

They would go out in the afternoons, holding hands shamelessly through the streets of San Francisco, on weekends they would go out partying with other friends that had made. It felt so different, being able to go out and dance with another man, being able to have dinner and kiss in front of others without being judged, if only Dean were still here…

Castiel felt selfish, Balthazar was amazing, and he should be everything Castiel needs right now, but he wasn’t, not completely.

Both of them kept funning into Meg, she seemed like a very nice person, but Balthazar always felt otherwise, Castiel however, felt drawn to her, and he really wanted to get to know her better, but of course Balthazar would refuse.

A few days later, Balthazar had to leave to a field trip with some of his students, he told Castiel to stay away from Meg while he was gone, Castiel promised.

He did avoid her at first, but after a few days, he found himself talking to her again.

“Hey, man, listen, I know we just began hangin, but could you show me your coins?”

“I’m sorry what?”

“Just messin with ya, man.” She said as she ran off to her friends.

Castiel could not get a hold on the way they spoke, they had a strange slang, but it still claimed his attention, so he had to learn.

Meg came back with a tall man, he was very handsome, Castiel wouldn’t deny that. “Cas, this here’s Gadreel, you may wanna know he’s the dude who’s haulin’ over 80 per hour.”

“What up, dude.” Gadreel said as he shook Castiel’s hand.

“It’s nice to meet you.” Castiel said.

“Wanna join us?” Gadreel asked.

“Uh... sure, sure, I’d love too.”

“Far out! C’mon”

Castiel followed them into the crowd, he entered a van, it smelled like marihuana all over, Meg sat next to him and Gadreel sat in front of them, Meg closed the van door isolating them from the others.

“So Cas, you do weed?” Meg asked.

“Um, rarely.” Castiel answered. 

Gadreel lit a joint, he smoked it and passed it on to Castiel, he was a bit nervous, but still smoked it like it was nothing, soon everything was calmer.

His head felt so light, as if it could just leave his body at any moment, everything around him grew disproportionate sizes, his hands extended to such lengths, he had never felt such a euphoria, he had never felt such peace.

He began laughing hysterically, other laughs echoed in his mind, it came to mind that it may be Meg and Gadreel, this guys were amazing, Castiel began wondering why Balthazar wouldn’t let him hang out with them, this was the most fun he’d had in years.

A few hours later and the effect wore off, the three of them sat in the van, watching it’s ceiling, not saying anything, until Meg broke the ice.

“So, Cas, when’s the last time you had a gas like this?”

“A what?” Castiel asked innocently.

“She means when was the last time you actually had this much fun.” Gadreel explained.

“Oh, well, it’s been years, when Dean and I were still together…” He confessed.

“Don’t you have a gas of a time with your hubby Bal?” Meg asked, curious overall.

“Well, I do, it’s just… Dean was the first… and well… it’s kind of hard to…”

“Get with the words, man.” Gadreel interrupted.

“Hey Dreel, let the guy talk or bug out of it.” Meg defended Cas.

“Thank you Meg, well… Dean and I met back in 1965, there was something that just made us drawn to each other, he has these eyes, they’re green, as beautiful as thriving forest….”

And with that, Castiel found himself giving his whole tragic love story to two complete strangers, but it felt right, as if Meg and Gadreel were actually feeling what he said, as if they were sharing his pain, he knew it was a ridiculous thought, but he didn’t really care.

It took him about an hour to explain everything, how they met, when they moved in together, the beach, the war, and the horrible way it ended.

“… and ever since that day, I have done everything I can to forget him, but even when I’m with Balthazar, I miss Dean, and I feel guilty about it, always.”

Silence, neither Meg nor Gadreel said a single word, this made Castiel feel a thriving uncertainty .

“Dude, your ex is a complete idiot-stick.” Gadreel finally said.

“I guess you could say that, but I miss him, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

Meg hugged him, and eventually so did Gadreel.

“We’re here for you, man, you know, you’re something else, and it’d be far out to have you hang out with us.”

“Thanks Meg, I appreciate it.”

It was in that sudden moment that Castiel felt like he had found an actual group of friends, sure they had made a whole bunch of friends here in San Francisco, but none of them inspired actual confidence in Castiel, not like Meg or Gadreel did.

Days went by, and Castiel went to hang out more with Meg, he’d meet with her after work, getting high by the beach or in her van, it was a fun sensation, and a new experience every day.

Balthazar didn’t say anything at first, but he eventually started to scold Castiel about his behavior, he never went home drunk, but he stank of weed every time he got home.

One day, Castiel left home angry, he had fought with Balthazar and he didn’t want to see him, he was tired of having others tell him what to do, he was sick and tired of it. He met with Meg, she was with Gadreel and a girl named Ruby, they were drinking something out of bag, but Castiel was too bothered to even ask what it was.

He was very drunk, saying and doing stupid things, making out with practically anyone who offered, he was in one the vans when Meg came in, Castiel had been making out with Gadreel, he couldn’t even remember how that had happened.

Meg simply laughed at them, pretty soon all three of them were laughing as loud as possible, and that’s when Meg brought out the small bag. Castiel had never tried heroin, he had told himself he wouldn’t, but his curiosity got the best of him…

Balthazar searched far and wide throughout San Francisco, he went to every place he knew those damn hippies would get together, but nothing, they were nowhere to be seen. Soon every feeling of guilt overpowered him, if something were to happen to Castiel, he’d never forgive himself.

He ran up and down the streets, his frustration was beginning to get the best of him, when suddenly, a gentle hand landed on his back, he jumped completely startled.

“Oh, I’m truly sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” It was a woman, she seemed rather nice, her smile soothed Balthazar’s worries, only not completely. “Are you okay, is there anything you need?” She asked

“I’m looking for those darn flower children, the hippies, my boyfriend has left off with them, and I’m worried.” Balthazar responded.

“Well, I honestly am not from around here, you see I’m on my honeymoon, but maybe my husband can help, I’m Jess by the way, my husband’s name is Sam, I’m sure we’ll figure out a way to help you.”

“Thank you very much, but I don’t have time, I need to find him, before he does anything stupid.” Balthazar ran off, not thinking about actually getting help, he couldn’t think straight, Castiel’s safety was anything that was on his mind.

Meanwhile, Castiel found himself in a hotel room, everyone was going crazy, so was he, he had done two strings of coke, and he was feeling amazing. He wanted to keep on going, but before he could, Gadreel pulled him from out of the crowd, kissing strongly as they entered one of the empty rooms.

“Cas, let me be with you…” He pleaded.

Castiel only nodded, he was in all his right to have fun with whomever he wanted, so he let Gadreel fuck him, he could care less that they weren’t using protection, he was enjoying every moment of it.

Gadreel had a great body, and he was strong, which is something Castiel wanted, he needed someone who didn’t treat him like he was made of porcelain.

“Oh god, Gadreel, make me come.” Castiel moaned against the bed, he felt such ecstasy, such emotion, everything taking over him.

When Gadreel was finished, he simply left the room, leaving Castiel alone in bed, but it didn’t surprise Castiel, he was used to being used.

Meg entered laughing uncontrollably, her mood changed once she saw Castiel crying and getting dressed.

“Baby, you okay?” She asked.

“I fucking hate and curse every asshole in this world, starting from Dean, he’s the reason I’m here, alone and suffering, I need to forget him…”

And that’s all it took for Meg to convince him into another three strips of cocaine, but the worst came when she insisted he consume heroin, the better way, by getting shot.

Castiel was so high he accepted, he flinched a bit when the needle struck his arm, but that all disappeared the moment it hit him. His euphoria increased like never before, his body shook as its effects hit him. 

He was trembling, he felt wrong, but right at the same time, he didn’t know what was happening around him, everything as quiet for most part, that was until a familiar silhouette picked him up. 

“Castiel, please answer me, please!” “Don’t do this to me Cas, I love you, please!”

March 18th 2026

Jo laid on her bed, in her hands rested two letters, they were none other than the two last letters Castiel ever wrote towards Dean, there was something so strange about them. For one, they seemed to be much deeper than the other letters.

Of course the last one had to be, it was a way of saying goodbye to Dean, Castiel probably let everything out, Jo wondered just what type of emotions took over him during those moments. It was something she’d probably never know, but is that ever certain? A few weeks ago she didn’t even know her grandfather had loved another man, at this point in her life, anything could go haywire. 

She put that letter aside, its words were still too strong for her to read out loud, she instead decided to read the other one, the one written in after Castiel faced his family. It was a letter that really marked the changed man that Castiel had become, if Jo was truthfully honest, this letter made her feel proud of Castiel, his family had been nothing but cruel to him, and he finally had the courage to stand up to them.

She always wondered, what exactly was Castiel feeling as he wrote that letter?

February 1979

Castiel had gotten home from work, it had been a great day, just as it had been for the last year, everything had been going well for him, a great new job, and he and Balthazar were actually growing as a couple.

Still, there were moments when he would feel absolutely guilty about what had happened a few years back, he could have died from overdosing, just like Meg did a few weeks after Balthazar rescued him.

He also felt guilty for what he said that night that Balthazar saved him, he had yelled at Castiel how much he loved him, and all he could respond was, “You’ll never be him…”, of course that was nearly four years ago, and things were now great between them, well almost.

Castiel began making dinner, his mind was set on the jobs he had to do for the office, they weren’t very complicated, if he finished now he’d have all weekend just to relax, which was great.

His mind was completely set on how he would organize his paperwork, he was so distracted, that the sound of the phone ringing made him jump. He hurried to answer it, for once, the thought of it being Dean didn’t cross his mind, he answered cheerfully actually.

“Hello?”

“Hello, um.. I’m looking for Castiel Novak…”

Castiel instantly recognized his voice, it was Gabriel, how did he get his number? And what did he want?

“This is him speaking…”

“Hey it’s me, Gabriel…”

“Yes, I recognized your voice…”

“Oh cool, um listen, Rachel’s getting married in a few weeks, and she wants you to be here…”

Castiel’s heart lit up, it was the best news he could have all day.

“Wow, really? And… you’re letting me attend?”

“Well, I don’t want my little sister to be upset, but there are some ground rules, Castiel.”

A sudden worry invaded him, but he would do anything in order to see his little sister getting married.

“What are these rules?”

“For starters, no bringing a date, you’re the only… you know…”

“The only gay person that’s allowed to go?”

“Yeah, so no other gay guys, next rule is, no acting strange, try and do your best to act like a man will you?”

Castiel’s hands became fists, his brother was a homophobe asshole, he wished he could punch him.

“Third and final rule, try and keep a little distance from us, it’s nothing against yo…”

“Don’t worry Gabriel, the only person who I could possibly care about talking to is Rachel, but we both knew that, so you can just spare it…”

Silence, that was all he heard.

“Well, thank you for letting me know, Gabriel, I will be waiting for my invitation, and I will gladly be there.” Castiel said, his confidence was showing strong.

“Yeah, I’ll uh need your address…” Gabriel said.

Castiel gave him the address and then hung up on him, he was a mixture of happiness and rage, he would get to see Rachel again, but he would have to deal with his family. But screw them, Castiel had already suffered through so much, those assholes weren’t gonna get the best of him, and he was planning on making sure they understood 

A few days went by, and soon the invitation arrived, it had a beautiful floral print on the side, it was completely white, except for a few designs that held a pale blue color, almost pastel. 

“So, are you going?” Balthazar asked him.

“Of course I’m going, it’s not every day that my sister is getting married, and what do you mean are you going, you’re coming with me.”

“Darling, the invitation reads that the wedding is on February 23rd, you know I will be grading papers on that week, my work just won’t allow me to go…”

Castiel felt a sudden knot in his stomach, his confidence was suddenly gone, how would he do this alone?

“And, you are certain you can’t go with me?” Castiel asked, still hopeful.

Balthazar grabbed both his hands, “I am truly sorry, but it is impossible for me to go with you…”

Castiel faked a smile, “It’s alright, Bal, I understand, you do not have to worry, I will go, and I will show my family that they can no longer treat me like I’m nothing.” Bold words, Castiel thought, but the reality might probably be different.

Days went by faster than what Castiel would’ve wanted , he had bought an amazing suit for his sister Rachel’s wedding, and although part of him was scared, it felt amazing knowing he would see her again. He had so much to talk to her about, and he wanted to hug her until she couldn’t even breathe, it was gonna be a good day, no matter what his family said.

Balthazar was a great support towards him, Castiel didn’t know what he would do without him, he felt loved. 

Finally, about two weeks later, Castiel found himself leaving San Francisco, and heading north, it had never struck him that he would be about an hour away from where he used to study college, where he used to live… with Dean.

Castiel simply shook his head, he had not thought of that for some time now, and honestly, his only worry right now is how he will confront his family.

He checked into his hotel, slowly entering his room, he began having second thoughts about even being there, let alone actually going to the wedding, what if this was stupid of him? Could his family humiliate him even more than how they already had?

But no, Castiel kept reminding him about the real reason he was here, because of Rachel, he tried thinking about how beautiful she will look imagining just how she’ll glow in her dress, it was the reason he was going through with this.

And as for his family, as Dean once said, “fuck them, in fact, fuck everybody”, that’s exactly what Castiel was going to do, he would show them the man he is now, not the scared child he used to be.

He showered, shaved and fixed on his suit, he hadn’t actually realized what Balthazar had told him, he did actually like he had lost a bunch of weight, but no matter, it was probably because of work, he would begin a healthy diet as soon as he got home, but today, it was about having fun and letting loose.

He grabbed a cab towards the church, as he arrived, he noticed his family from afar, they seemed to not have noticed him, which was good news for Castiel, he wasn’t ready, not yet.

It was then when everyone started to chatter, Rachel was arriving, she was actually here, Castiel’s nerves were starting to betray him, he was nervous, nervous about what she would say when he saw him, would she say hello? Would she ignore him?

Castiel noticed someone getting out of the car, first it was a man, tall, handsome, very cheerful.

He must be Anthony, Castiel thought to himself, that was the man his sister was marrying, he seemed like a rather nice man, and his eyes glowed as he saw inside the car, which could only mean one thing, he was watching Rachel. In a matter of seconds, Rachel was getting out of the car.

Castiel gasped at the sight of his sister, she looked stunning, beautiful, Castiel couldn’t take his eyes off her, a few tears escaped him. But he wasn’t the only one who was crying, Rachel had spotted him, she was crying, she ran off towards Castiel and he hugged her with all his might as she approached him.

“Oh my god, you’re actually here!” She said.

“I would never be able to miss my little sister’s wedding.” Castiel said brightly.

Both of them were now crying, which made everyone around them laugh and show happiness for them.

“I have so much to tell you.” Rachel said.

“Believe me,” Castiel responded, “so do I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if the hippie slang sounds wrong, I investigated it off the internet.
> 
> Also, I hope people are enjoying this, please let me know what you think.


	11. at the diner...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the original letter from Twist and Shout is used in this chapter

FEBRUARY 1979

 

Dear, Dean

You should have seen Rachel, she was so stunning, the most beautiful woman ever, her hair falling gracefully over her dress. I swear Dean, she simply looked like an angel, in fact, I can almost swear that she was one that day, and Anthony, her husband, looks like a very decent man. I am very certain that he will no doubt take good care of my sister.

I don’t even remember seeing her as happy as I did on her wedding day, she was never that happy when we were growing up, neither of us ever was, but now, she is free, just like I was when I got to meet you, I thank you for that.

My family, they tried their best to talk me down, but I showed them the man I have become, I have proved to them that they can no longer control me. For once, my brothers saw the powerful person I truly am, I made them forget about their young faggot brother, who was too afraid to ever confront them about anything, and instead made them respect me for who I was. If you could have seen them, you would have laughed so hard, maybe even fell on your ass as you tried to control laughter. That image in my head, makes me smile.

I must confess, I couldn’t stop talking about you throughout the whole night, I feel as though that was wrong, I understand that, but how could I not speak of you, when, we were sharing the best things that had happen to us since the last time we had seen each other. You of course, are still my greatest thing to happen to me, it was natural you would be the cause of my happiness.

Ever since my gaze into the eyes of death, I understood I wasn’t genuinely alone, I am not actually trapped in solitude that does no more than give me a glimpse of the misery of my life, I believe, it is the exact opposite, I now see the reality of it all. 

Balthazar cannot fill that whole that you left when you decided to leave my side, and now, my family is but a distant group of people with whom I grew up. And I finally accepted those truths, because it makes me value who I have become, not only because of you, but because of all the adversities that showed me that I can overcome anything.

I’ve found myself, and with it, I’ve found that confidence I grew the moment we met, one that shows me I am never alone, that I can never be alone for I will always have myself, as long as I stand strong. It may sound a bit exaggerated at some points, but the years go by Dean, and I truly doubt that pitying myself will make things better.

My main issue now, perhaps something I should begin to take in and not ignore, is where you stand at this point. I know that we might never cross paths again in the future, I know that you have now begun a new life, that you have maybe met someone and are trying to move on. I know this because I know you, you will try to bury that pain that you believe you have caused me, I do however, hope you know that whatever harm you think you have done me, is nothing compared to the harm I have done to myself.

Maybe it is this moment in which I find myself, I do not know why, but I somehow understand that neither of us is to blame, we never had control over the things that pulled us apart as our relationship grew. Hester and her horrible action, the war, and the society that has surrounded us ever since we knew what we were and how different we were to others, it was all just taking us towards our inevitable fate as lovers. 

Don’t ever blame yourself, Dean, I won’t ever blame you, nor will I blame myself, for whatever happened, and however it concluded, will not take away the best years of our lives, it will not take away that night we first kiss, the afternoon when you first went to my apartment, or our trip to the beach. Al of that is forever sacred, all of that is forever ours.

I still love you, I will not deny it, nor will I ever allow that to be a lie, you are and forever will be, the love of my life.

I believe that is all I wish to write for now, just know that this letter isn’t a goodbye, so ending with goodbye would be highly improper. I believe something like “see you then” sounds much more appropriate, yes, those are the words.

See you then, Dean Winchester

Sincerely, Castiel Novak…

 

MAY 20TH 2026 PRESENT DAY

It was somewhat phenomenal, Castiel had become a man who now knew what he wanted, who wouldn’t allow any adversities take what he deserved. But it seems that it didn’t last too long, it was truly sad, Jo understood how you clearly never know someone’s story until you discover every aspect of their life.

Her mind began to wander about, imagining a different scenario, one in which Castiel’s fate wasn’t ending in that hospital room, where her Grandpa didn’t lose that one person who made him feel loved, where everything ended differently. 

She sees it clearly, it’s kind of painful, you know? Knowing that your mind creates a rich scenario where things can end beautifully, but eventually, aren’t true. 

Still, that doesn’t stop Jo form picturing it, she sees her great-uncle Sam, he is visiting their home, her aunt Abigail runs through the door, she is only 6 years old, running into the living room, jumping directly into Dean’s arms, they laugh, the image is heartwarming. Grandpa Dean gets up, and hugs his little brother, Dean then calls out, and someone comes down from upstairs. A smile plastered on his face, his blue eyes lit up the moment he sees little Abigail. 

“Hi uncle Cas!” Little Abigail exclaims.

And Grandpa Dean approaches Castiel, carrying Abigail in his arms, they share a small kiss before Abigail practically jumps onto Castiel.

“Hey there sweetie, how are you…”

Jo opens her eyes at the sound of someone calling her name, she had fallen asleep for a moment, only remembering that what she saw was no more that helps ignore the truth.

“JO!” The voice calls, it takes time for Jo to notice, but she eventually figures the voice coming from Richard. And it seems to be coming from downstairs, is he here, in her house? She runs downstairs, surprised to see that Richard is indeed there, and he’s speaking to her dad.

“Novak huh? What a curious last name.” Ben says.

“Yeah, it’s pretty unique, not many people have that name.”

Ben says nothing, he simply stares, but eventually just responds, “Yeah, honestly I’ve never even heard it before.”

“Hey.” Jo interrupts, “What’s going on?”

“Oh, sweetie, there you are, this young man here says that you’re volunteering taking care of a nice old lady, isn’t that right Mr. Novak?”

“Indeed, Mrs. Rachel wishes to see you.” Richard said in a rather sophisticated tone.

It takes a moment for Jo to understand what is going on, Rachel wants to speak to her, but what could she want to talk about? It may have something to do with Castiel, or even her grandpa Dean.

“I’m sorry, I’ve just been so busy with school, that I haven’t even spoken with her, Dad is it okay if I go?” Jo says, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

“Well” He pauses, analyzing the situation,” I don’t see why not, but please be home early.” He finally says.

“Do not worry, Sir, I promise to bring Johanna back home, safe and sound before curfew.” Richard says.

“Alright then, you two run along now.”

Within minutes, they are both on the road, riding inside Richards truck, Jo mocking him.

“I promise to bring Johanna back home, safe and sound before curfew.” Jo says mocking Richard’s voice. 

“Hey, it’s not like I could tell our dad what was going on, plus, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know his sweet lil’ princess has a boyfriend.”

“Oh my god,” Jo buries her face in her hands, “He didn’t…”

“Yep, your daddy told me you were his sweet lil’ princess, always helping others and being such a nice person. Girl, you practically deserve a Nobel peace prize.” Richard laughs out loud, mocking Jo after everything her father told him.

“Damn, I swear he’s gonna pay. Anyways, Rachel wants to speak to me, do you know about what?”

Richard shrugs, “She wouldn’t tell me, says it was something she needed to tell of us in person.”

“Wait, I haven’t called Ashley…” 

“I called her earlier, was gonna pick her up before heading to your home, turns out she had to go with her mom for some stuff, so team Destiel is gonna be short of a member today.”

Jo wishes Ashley came with her, it doesn’t feel right going finding on this adventure without her, but she had Richard, and he’s an amazing guy, so that’ll be enough.

They arrived at Rachel’s house, Jo wondering what exactly Rachel would want to speak to her about, she juts hopes it isn’t bad news, she really wanted good news for a change.

They knock on the door, only waiting for Rachel to respond, neither of them say a word, Richard must also be curious to know what his Aunt wants, they both are. 

The door opens, Rachel smiles happily at them both, she greets them with open arms, inviting them to enter her home. 

“Hello, Rachel, how have you been?” Jo asked.

“I have been good, doing a little investigation ever since your last visit.” Rachel responded, a serious tone in what she says.

“Investigation?” Jo asked confused, what kind of investigation could Rachel have been doing? And why would she be doing it?

“Why yes dear, you see, ever since your first visit, my mind has begun to remember things, incidents I had long forgotten, but that come back.”

“What kind of incidents, Aunt Rachel?” The curiosity in Richards tone was overexciting.

“Well for starters, I began to remember all of my uncle Rodney’s strange dinner monologues, let me tell you, that man could get lost in his speech without even thinking about it, and…”

“Um, Aunt Rachel, what does this have to do with you telling me to bring Jo to see you?” Richard asked, impatiently.

“Hold on now, I’m getting there, you see, I remembered my wedding, Castiel told me about his first date with Dean.”

“What did he say?” Jo interrupted, she immediately apologized, “Sorry, I just get really excited.”

Rachel giggled, “It’s okay sweetie, now where was I? Ah yes, the wedding. Anyway, Castiel told me about their first date, how Dean almost took him there without his permission, oh how lovely, young love is everything…” Rachel stared at the pictures on the wall, she was clearly focusing on the ones that had her and Anthony in them, maybe remembering what their young love life was like. “Castiel told me that they had milkshakes on their first date, at a local diner not too far from here…”

“Hole up, you mean… you know which diner exactly?” Jo asked, anticipation filling her voice.

“Yes dear, I do.” 

March 1980 

Castiel sneezed so loud that the whole house trembled, he shouldn’t have went to sleep with his hair wet, Balthazar always tells him that it’ll make him sick. Castiel then thought about Dean, how he would always tell him he’d get pneumonia if he kept going to bed with his hair wet. A short vague memory of so many years ago, Castiel just shook it out of his mind.

“Morning there little sneezes,” Balthazar greeted Castiel with a short kiss and some coffee, “feeling sick?”

“Just a little, actually, I realize it is not wise to kiss me after that loud sneeze you and the whole street probably heard.”

“C’mon, Cassie, I don’t think I can get as bad as you.” They both simply laughed, drinking their coffees and leaving a small silence invade the room. 

“So,” Balthazar spoke up, “Any plans for today, since I’m certain you’re not working.”

Castiel simply shook his head, “I just stay in, maybe watch the Godfather, again.”

“C’mon Cassie, don’t stay cooped up in here, you should go out, I don’t like leaving you here on your own.”

Castiel slightly kissed Balthazar, smiling at him, “Balthazar, I will be alright, go to work, and don’t worry about a thing.”

Balthazar simply sighed, “Alright, but if you feel flustered, take a walk, don’t stress yourself being stuck here, okay?” 

Castiel nodded.

A few minutes after Balthazar had left, Castiel changed rapidly, he wasn’t planning on staying home after all, in fact, he had somewhere he needed to be. 

Normally, Castiel would’ve waited until April, but next month would be one of the busiest at his job, and he didn’t know if it would be possible for him to even think about taking a small break. So he got into his car and just drove off, about an hour and a half later, he stood in front of the diner. The exact diner where Dean and him had once had their first date. 

He had come here, at least once every year for the last four years, always in the month of April, but he never had the courage to go in and order. Today was different, today he would do so, the last step, to a final goodbye.

Present day

The drive was mostly silent, although Rachel would occasionally say something she thought of, breaking that silence which did nothing but grip the inside of Jo and make her feel desperate. She didn’t think she would get any type of answers from going to the diner where her Grandpa had his first date with Castiel, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t important, all the contrary, it was very important.

A half an hour later, they were parking in front of the diner, it seemed pretty old, if you looked at it from a long distance you would think it was brought out of some kind of western movie, only it wasn’t found in the middle of nowhere. 

They walked inside, a bell rang as the door opened, a young woman approached, “Why hello, good afternoon, welcome to our family diner, please have a seat, one of our waitress’ will be with you in a moment.”

They thanked the young woman and proceeded to sit down, no one spoke a word, and it was starting to really irritate Jo. 

“So, this is it, huh? “ Jo said, she really wanted someone to start a conversation, the silence was killing her.

“Yeah, I guess so, but can you imagine this place about sixty years back?” Richard asked, his head turning in various directions, as if the place created such uncertainty that it didn’t let him feel calm. “I mean, this place looks pretty conservative, how did two guys calmly have a date here without even being looked at in a judgmental way?” 

Jo had never actually thought of that, how were they able to have a normal date? Maybe people just assume they were friends having dinner, or if they did notice it, they might have simply ignored it, though that sounds kind of impossible.

“Maybe Dean bribed a waitress in order to get a special table or something.” Rachel said whilst staring at her menu, deciding exactly what to order.

“I don’t think that would mean people wouldn’t speak out for two men sitting down and having dinner.” Richard said.

“Milkshakes…” The old woman from beyond the counter said, she probably imagined she said it in a low voice, because she was surprised when she noticed they all stared at her. “Is something wrong?” She asks innocently.

“Nothing’s wrong, it’s just… you said something about milkshakes?” Jo asked.

“No, I was talking someone who just ordered a milkshake, silly me, I must’ve been babbling out loud again.”

“You don’t have to apologize, it’s probably my fault, I’ve been a bit paranoid over a few things.” Jo approached the counter, extending her hand to greet the old lady. “My name is Johanna Winchester, but my friends call me Jo.” 

The woman didn’t say a word, she simply gazed, as if suddenly realizing something, “That son of a bitch…” 

MARCH 1980

What was he doing here? Why did he come? He knew this place brought nothing but painful memories, still, Castiel was tempted to coming here one last time. It isn’t like he was planning on never coming back, it’s just that he was ready to keep his distance, for a while at least. Castiel entered the diner, the bell jingled, announcing his entrance, just like that night. He was greeted by a young woman, she was very beautiful and had a very tender smile.

“Good afternoon, welcome to our family diner, my name is Jo, would you like a table?”

Jo… Castiel remembered Dean mention her once, exactly on their first date, he asked Ellen, the woman who attended them, where Jo was. Strange how Dean never mentioned her after that, then again, things took a different turn during those days.

“Yes, indeed I would, thank you, Jo.” HE said as he followed her to his table, it was the exact table Dean and him had milkshakes that one time. Castiel considered asking Jo if she could give him another table, but he felt it would be too much trouble. 

“So, what would you like to order?” 

“I’ll have some fries, and a milkshake…”

“Ok, we only have strawberry milkshakes at the moment, I hope that’s not a problem.” Jo said.

“No, that’s perfect actually.” Castiel responded. 

Jo left off to get his order, in the meantime, Castiel stared out the window, his mind kept on recreating that scenario, Dean was nothing nut a stranger, and yet, Castiel had decided to get on that motorcycle, not knowing what would become of that day. Maybe the best decision of his entire life, or maybe the worst, still, no one could take away how unique the past years have been.

A young woman passed by, her shirt had seashells all over, and Castiel gracefully remembered their trip to the beach, it reminded him that Dean took the videos he had filmed, oh how he wish he still had them, wishing he had something more than just photographs. 

Rain began pouring gently, it brought end to Castiel’s daydreaming, letting that memory of the past fade slowly, for it did not rain on the night Dean took him on their first date, nor did it rain at the beach, though the weather was cold.

Castiel ate with a smile on his face, nothing could take away those memories, nothing.

Present day 

They all sat around the counter, Jo was waiting for the old lady to clear her throat and speak up, but she was taking longer than needed.

“Well, first of all, let me tell you… your grandpa Dean, is one darn asshole,” The old lady laughed, “I never thought he’d do it, but look at you, named after me, Johanna…”

Jo didn’t understand what was going on, this old lady had known grandpa Dean, and by the way she kept on expressing herself, she knew him very well. 

“I’m sorry, but could you please explain that last part, because I am not really understanding what is going on…” 

“oh, I’m guessing Dean hasn’t told you, that man is wreck when it comes to remembering things, he’s lucky he has Sam, without him he’d be lost.” Jo said, it was clear she didn’t know anything about Dean’s death.

“Um, Mrs. Johanna…” Jo began

“Yes, dear?”

“My grandpa Dean, he passed away a few months ago…”

Johanna’s expression went blank, she stayed silent, not knowing what to say, she didn’t cry, but it was clear she was a wreck inside.

“I can’t believe it, I always told him I’d be dancing on his grave one day, but I just didn’t think it’d be so soon…”

“I can’t believe my granduncle Sam didn’t tell you…” Jo really didn’t know what to do or say, she didn’t even know this woman, what could she say?

“It’s not his fault, I’m sure he didn’t even know what to do, losing your brother must be the hardest thing ever.” Johanna said.

“It really is.” Rachel said, finally speaking up.

“I’m sorry,” Johanna said, “I believe I haven’t introduced myself properly, my name’s Johanna Harvelle, I was a good friend of your grandpa, he was an amazing man.”

“He really was… My name is also Johanna, and this is my boyfriend, Richard, and his great aunt, Rachel.”

“It’s a pleasure.” Richard said.

“Pleasure’s all mine. What are you fellas doing in this side of town?”

“Well, we were just curious of coming here… I knew my grandpa was fond of this place…” Jo lied.

“Oh yes, indeed he was, came by all the time. Always having his order of fries and a strawberry milkshake.” Johanna said. 

“Dean came here all the time?” Rachel asked.

“Why yes, he was always such a flirt, always showing off that damn motorcycle of his, but I understand, it was his most prized thing, but then he found Lisa, and we all know how it went from there.”

Jo smiled, “Yeah, it was quite something.”

“Anyways, as I was saying, your darn grandpa told me he’d name his first daughter Jo, in my honor, although he always said it as a matter of mockery, didn’t think he’d ever do it. Of course, he had two boys, so I was certain that he’d forget all about that darn idea of honoring me in such a way, but I never thought he’d name his granddaughter after me.” Johanna laughs slightly, she really can’t believe all that she’s been told.

They all stayed silent for a while, Jo didn’t know how to continue with the conversation, telling Johanna about her grandpa Dean’s death might have been too much for her. But maybe, just maybe… Johanna knew something about Castiel. 

“So Johanna, did Dean ever bring dates here.’ Rachel asked directly.

Johanna simply huffed, “Oh god no, my mother forbid him to ever do so, she always told Dean that bringing a variety of different girls was the same as demeaning this place to a brothel. I believe the only person he ever brought here, was Lisa. Now that I think about it, Dean didn’t really bring friends around either.” 

Johanna knew nothing about Castiel, and that made Jo feel somewhat uneased, but the reason wasn’t really certain.

“Well, it seems Jo’s grandpa only brought her cause he was certain she was the one.” Richard said.

“Yeah, Dean was one of a kind, strange in his own way, I honestly can’t believe he’s gone.” Johanna confessed.

“Neither can I,” Jo said as well, “He always had some piece of advice, even if it had nothing to do with what was going on.”

Richard put his hand on Jo’s shoulder, he approached her and landed a gentle kiss on her cheek, the sight made Johanna smile. 

Richard smiled back at Johanna, which allowed her to focus on the blues of his eyes, something in the way they gazed, it was as if she had once seem them before, but she couldn’t quite remember where. 

It suddenly hit her, “Oh,”

Everyone stared at her, startled by the strange noise she made. “Is everything alright?” Jo asked.

“Yes dear, you see, it’s just that your boyfriends eye color, well his and Rachel’s, it results so familiar, I mean sure, many people have blue eyes, it’s just that, there’s something about yours in specific that make me remember seeing them before.”

It was kind of hard to understand what she was talking about, that didn’t stop Rachel from having some sort of a realization, she looked quickly inside her purse, finally finding a photo of Castiel, she held it up, showing it to Johanna, “Did you ever happen to meet this man?” 

Johanna’s eyes glowed at the sight of the picture, “It’s him…”

“I’m sorry, it’s who?” Jo asked.

“The man in the picture, he was here before, so many years ago, I’d never forget someone with such a strong presence, especially with eyes like his.”

“Was he alone when he came?”

“Well yes, but that was when I saw him, but when my mother saw him, he was with Dean.” Johanna responded. 

“He was? When was that?” Richard asked impatiently.

“Oh sweetie, that was back when I was 17, many years ago, my mother only slightly commented it to me, and since then, I rarely saw Dean again, he spent more time on his races, and helping Sammy go through college. Is that man a relative of yours?”

“My brother, he died over 40 years ago, his name was Castiel, please tell me, how was he when you last saw him.”

“Oh, I am truly sorry…, let me remember that day, hmm I remember he came in, I greeted, he was very sophisticated when he spoke, and his raspy voice was very intriguing. And well, I actually never did get his name, I guess I forgot to ask… and he ordered, Fries and a milkshake… which I now remember, was your grandpa Dean’s usual…”

“Anything else you can remember?” 

“Well, he was writing something on a piece of paper, though he kept on erasing what he wrote, as if it weren’t good enough.” 

Jo thought that maybe Castiel was writing a letter, she was certain it was the last one, the one where he said goodbye, but she had to be sure.

“Do you remember what month it was, or what year?” 

“I don’t remember the year, but I am certain it was around March, because the rains were beginning to fall.”

Well, there was no doubt that this café was the last place where Castiel let go of Dean, and only a few months before he was taken to the hospital.

October 13th 1980

He had to take another look at his things, Castiel didn’t know why, but lately, something was off, and he was aware of it. He didn’t want to worry Balthazar, still, he had a feeling. 

He looked through his things, finding the shoebox where he had hidden the letters, and some pictures. He never realized how many letters he had written, and he had never really given thought about them, he gave them such importance, and now look at them, hiding in the depths of a shoebox that’s hidden in the closet, no one ever read them after they were written, not even by Castiel. 

He slowly brought them out, reading them out loud to himself, part of him trembled as he read, remembering the events that were occurring each time he wrote one of them. Then there was the final one, written only a few months ago, reading it was strange, because only now did Castiel feel as if he were saying goodbye forever… it read…

 

Dear Dean,

I was thinking about shells today. I saw a woman with a shirt that had them, and I remembered the beach, and you, and this box. I went back and read through all the letters, and for the first time, in a long time, I wasn’t sad about it – not in the same way.

I’ve been so tired lately. I’m so tired of being angry, and sad, because that wasn’t the point. I’m sad because I’ll never get to tell you certain things again. I’m sad about that, but I’m not sad like I was when you left. I think I held onto that too long. I confused it with loving you, and those aren’t the same. Being sad about the things I miss isn’t loving you. It never was. Loving you was so much bigger than that. .

I don’t think I can stop loving you. I think it’s a part of me now, and it’s never leaving. It makes me who I am, and I used to think this crippled me, but I don’t think it does anymore. Loving you has given you back to me. I’ve missed you. The old you. You never really came home, and I understand that now, and I know it wasn’t your fault or mine or anyone’s. It was just circumstances we couldn’t avoid, but I’ve realized that just because we ended the way we did doesn’t define what we were before.

To have those memories back is such a precious thing. To have that part of you back with me – it’s unimaginable. I was thinking about shells, and I was thinking about that day at the beach and I can remember sitting on the blanket looking at the water, and you asked me what I was thinking.  
I was thinking about how afraid I was that I was never going to love you as much as I did then. That the moment was going to get washed out, that I would never be able to experience what it was like to know that I loved you as much as I did again…

I’m sorry that things didn’t work out the way we wanted them to. I’m sorry – I’m sorry we weren’t as equipped to deal with the hand we got. The fact that we didn’t get to do the little plans hurts more than the big ones, sometimes. It wouldn’t have mattered about a house or the island. Sometimes I stop myself at work and realize I’m never going to sit in Van’s noodle house with you, and I don’t know exactly – I’m so terrible at letters, Dean. I’m glad you never had to read them when you were in Vietnam, they were all so terrible and boring and wordy.

I think that, the point of it all, is that the moment at the beach? I had never really understood who I was until then. That’s who I am. That person, and there, right there, next to me, that was you. That’s who you are.

It’s so wonderful to know that I didn’t lose you. That we were always right where we were supposed to be the whole time. This whole time I thought I’d lost you, and there you were…

Memories are good that way. I can remember us, and I can keep living. I can keep going and always know right where to find you when I miss you.

I miss you all the time.

I want you to realize this someday. All of that about us. You don’t – you don’t have to be guilty, and I know you are, and I understand why everything happened the way it did. It just happened. We just – it just happened, Dean, and it’s alright. I’m alright.

I’ll be okay.

Once, you told me it didn’t seem right to say goodbye. Not really. I thought I’d have to – I thought I’d have to let go of everything I loved about you, but I don’t, and you were right, and wouldn’t you be pleased with yourself to know.

The truth of it has never been clearer to me, my darling.

And you are, always, my darling.

Yours,

Cas

“See you then”

Castiel felt satisfied as he finished reading them, a small and delicate smile ran across his face. He packed everything up again, motioning his way to the turn table, playing his favorite record and allowing its music to fill the entire apartment.

He sat down near the sofa, still wondering about those letters at that letter, baffled and amazed by what they represented, as if it wasn’t him who had written it. 

He sneezed loudly, he had been sick with the flu for some time now, Balthazar was worried, Castiel wouldn’t admit it, but he was also beginning to worry. He would calm himself remembering how much Dean would pester him about sleeping with his hair wet, “And quit going to bed with your head wet. You’ll catch pneumonia like that!!” 

Castiel would go to the doctor tomorrow, they would surely know what he had…


	12. AN APOLOGY TO THE READERS

I would like to apologize to everyone who has supported these stories through and through, mainly because I simply dissapeared and forgot about them. The past year has been set with so many changes in my life, such as my final year of university, and most recently, the earthquake that hit Mexico city the past september, I am fortunate enough to be okay, and my family as well. Unfortunatley, various places in the city are still affected by the consequences left by the past disaster, which is why I have been investing my time in school and helping as much as I can. I thank all the people here who maybe took the time to pray for my country, as to those who maybe donated something. 

I am happy to anounce I will soon be retaking these stories, with all the joy I used to have when I began writing them, so thank you for your patience. Also, know that my heart and prayers are with my fellow american friends at the time, I know that all the recent events have been tragic, and that they have left nothing but sorrow and helplessnes to everyone around them, but I am certain that we will all rise from it, that these past experiences will allow us to grow as human beings; we must reme,ber that whenever something horrible happens around us, we witness the greatness of humanity, we unite as individuals in order to seek solutions, and a better future. 

I send love to you all! <3 

Sincerley, Alexis 


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